Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Dear Muffie:

Gay Banker

I think the intern here botched your letter. He's such a lazy slob he works all the time and never goes out. I've corrected it below:

There’s a lot of eye-candy on the trading floor of any Investment Bank. As a gay man enthusiast I’ve always found the testosterone filled atmosphere generated by the fit intoxicated guys on the spot FX trading desk particularly intoxicating fitting. But which traders are gay, and perhaps up for finding somewhere private for a bit of fun at lunchtime? I find it very hard to tell in that situation, does Muffie have any tips to help me?

Looking for a Gay Banker

Dear Looking:

I don't know why you are wasting any time with Sales and Trading people. If there are gay men in that group they are so beaten into the closet already that all the qualities that make a gay financial professional a girl's best friend, like the inside gossip on the other gay professionals in the office, are totally repressed. To your question, there is no doubt that gay men are the best secret in the world of bulge-bracket finance. First of all, they know all the best clubs and, more importantly, the clubs that are about to be the best clubs- a very important bit of inside information in the volatile world of top-tier investment banking. Spending time with then is a must. Once it is clear they are gay, obnoxious male bankers out on the town avoid them (and therefore you) like the plague, but they rarely show their colors easily. This means one has to learn to recognize the signs, and they are subtle. No one sign will clue you in, you must view the whole of the picture. I have assembled this self-scoring table to help:

Shoes:
Gucci shoes with any sort of flair: 4 points.
Valintino shoes in anything but black: 2 points.
Other: 0 points.

Suit:
Bright or loud pinstripes (not in London): 3 points.
Other color (not blue or white): 1 point.
Writes "Colour" (not in London): 2 points.

Shirt:
Pink: (not in London): 3 points.
Pink: (at any Goldman Sachs office): 5 points.

Shops:
At Barneys New York: 3 points.
At Sachs: 0 points.
Has Barneys bags at/under desk: 5 points.

Drinks:
Anything with tonic: 3 points.
Anything with vodka: 0 points.
Anything colored: 4 points.
Anything colored with vodka: 5 points.

Eats:
Steak: 0 points.
Anything else: 3 points.

Sports:
Sails: 0 points.
Golf: 1 points.
Golf with designer golf pants: 2 points.
Firm softball team: 2 points.
Lacrosse: 3 points.
Played lacrosse at Duke: 4 points.
Rugby: 5 points.

Drives:
Hybrid (except Goldman): 0 points.
LeBaron convertible: 2 points.
Hybrid (Goldman, not including "limo service"): 5 points.
BMW: 5 points.
Mercedes: 5 points.
Porsche: 5 points.

Watches:
CNN: 0 points.
CNBC: 1 point.
NBC: 2 points.
Mad Money: 5 points.

Score:
40 points: Definitely Gay
0 points: Probably Gay

Next Time: The Investment Banking Girl's Guide to Landing a Gay Banker

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Muffie Benson-Perella reserves the right to edit and reprint all submissions to her advantage. Forward all your critical finance and personal (but not personal finance, that's for the PCS group) questions to : muffie AT dealbreaker.com