The lovely Lucy Gao has brought Leveraged Sellout out of his long slumber. It seems that the kiss of her mind-scrambling, over-organized, militarily precise birthday invitation has awoken something we didn’t know he had earlier—a heart. We’re not sure that his kinda, sorta racist approach is very likely to work, however.

To be honest, I’m actually usually not that into Oriental girls, but there’s something about you that’s very Zhang Ziyi—your smile, your plate-like face, your surgically created eyelids. You might be the hottest Chinese chick alive. Forgive me for being crass, I just can’t stop thinking about what I would do to you on that daybed, and the possibilities for that toddler’s chair (perspective? I hope not.) in the background are endless.

Oh My Gaod! [Leveraged Sellout]