If we were those glass half empty types, we’d probably be saying something like, “Fantastic. Not only is it a Monday but in light of the fact that we’ve theoretically signed on to cover anything and everything Wall Street Warriors-related, we’ve got to sit through nearly thirty minutes of this claptrap, waste a perfectly good Post-it every time Rich Taglianetti says something to Sandy Navidi that’s mildly leering but makes for a good “and you’ll never believe what Rich Tag said next!” and spend an hour of our lives that we’ll never get back—never!—writing this thing up like we have nothing better to do with our time,” right about now. If we were those glass half empty types. Well sorry, Schopenhauer, but you’re looking at a bunch of glass half full, Auschwitz was a bit of a bitch but at least we got some Oscars out of it type gals. So, instead, we’re sitting here saying to no one in particular (we don’t get many visitors in the DB Janitorial Closet, it’s sort of damp and noxious-fume smelling), “Fantastic. It’s a Monday and in light of the fact that we’ve theoretically signed on to cover anything and everything Wall Street Warriors related, we get to sit through nearly thirty minutes of this adorable little look at Dubya Street, use our really cute pink Post-its, and write up what was thirty minutes of our lives we’d pay good money to relive if things like that were possible. Plus, we can’t think of anything better to do with our time!” For those of you who’d like to stop by the DB JC after work and go through our Post-its in chorological order, you’re more than welcome. The password is ‘Ben Affleck.’ Everyone else (who’d misguidedly pass up such an opportunity)—read on. (Christian Slater–>)
Bob Nunn, AMEX specialist and D.Breaker favorite, is first at bat and he’s got something important he wants to get off his chest: “Wall Street gets a bad name. There are real people down here with real emotions and real passions.” Well said, Bobby. We couldn’t agree more. (Although, in the interest of full disclosure, Bob could tell us “I get my kicks beating up puppies” and we’d nod in blind agreement. So perhaps you shouldn’t look to us for Bob-related guidance, so to speak).
In another part of town, trader Tim Sykes is waiting for his mother to come “clean [my apartment] and replenish my water supplies.” She drives two and half to three hours several times a month to perform these tasks. We can’t help feeling a little bad about the fact that our mom doesn’t care about our hydration as much as Mrs. Sykes. “She’s kind of my personal slave,” he tells us. Christ did we get the raw end of the deal in the mom department; Paula doesn’t even let us refer to her as “the help.” Tim’s roommate prepares his meals, as his mommy is “not that good a cook.”
Meanwhile, fund manager Parker Quillen is hot on the trail of a jeans company that may be selling its $250 products in…the Bronx. Quillen thinks they have an inventory problem they won’t admit to and is headed north to see if any of the “B and C” list stores are carrying the denim in question. We suspect PQ’s really just trying to find a cheap tube top to go clubbing in tonight but we’ll go with his story for the time being (but if we’re right we’d suggest that you look no further than your local Strawberry’s, Quills).
Over at a restaurant that’s got to be Harry’s, Rich and Sandy are discussing R’s desire for a young short-biased trader in his/her twenties. Rich Tag is known for pairing wealthy investor with hot, undiscovered mangers, and he’s depending on Sandy to go wrangle him some of the latter. For example, he once found and reeled in a guy who developed a trading program based on the migratory routes of elephants in Africa. So basically you could walk into any Cosi in midtown and find one of these chaps.
Back at Tim’s, we’re informed by the man himself that the reason he works out of his apartment is that he’s “a cheap Jew.” Does the WSW’s editor have Machiavellian tendencies that cause him to string together damning out-of-context sound bytes from young Mr. Sykes or does Tim believe the stereotype that the chosen people land on the frugal side of the spectrum? These are questions we’re willing to use some elbow grease to get to the bottom of, but later. We’ve got a stack of coupons sitting in front of us and they’re not going to clip themselves.
Down the hall, Mother Sykes is cleaning the kitchen and finds a pair of handcuffs in a utensils drawer. Apparently not one to shy away from an awkward conversation with her son about his sex life, she walks into the living room/office and asks, “Um, what are these?”
“I won them at Dave & Buster’s, leave me alone, I’m down five grand!” Tims yells without making (what would obviously be) uncomfortable at best eye contact. If there’s one thing we’ve always said it’s “Never let the help help itself to your goody drawer.”
During the brief interlude that is “Street Talk,” Trader Monthly’s Andrew Barber informs: “The Gekko is a blue shirt with a white collar, popularized by Michael Douglas in the movie Wall Street.” No one wants to admit to owning one of these things, but “everyone’s got one in the back of their closet. As in, hey man, you gonna wear your Gekko?”
Back at (what we’re just going to say is) Harry’s, Rich tells Sandy that people are attracted to her initially and she’s got good follow-through. “Your biggest challenge is going to be to fend off the wedding proposals!” he says to a blushing Sands. We find this to be a particularly manipulative trick on the part of whoever’s in charge of splicing together scenes for “On the next episode of Wall Street Warriors,” because at the end of episode two we were made to believe that Sandy, who is looking to get married and have a family, will be proposed to at some point in the next show. So thanks for toying with our emotions, whoever’s in charge of splicing together scenes for “On the next episode of Wall Street Warriors.” Thanks a lot.
Up in the Bronx, Quillen finds that his instincts were not lying to him. “This is supposed to be an exclusive product, and there are at least a hundred of them in these stores,” he tells the cameraman with what seems like a little satisfaction for giving Nancy Drew a run for her money. “They’re right in the window!” he yells trying to hide his glee. We almost expect Quillen to say something to the effect of “Like shooting a fish in a barrel!” or exactly that. But he says neither.
A clean and handcuffed stocked apartment under his belt, Tim’s on his way to meeting his friends at the Waldorf-Astoria. They all work in finance and the average age at the table is 24. On making money, Tim muses, “It’s like hooking up with girls, when you’re not looking for it just happens.”
Around the salad course, a heated debate breaks out, in regards to the phrase “Fuck You, Money!” (As in, I can do whatever I want, I’ve got enough clams in the bank money).
Friend of Tim 1 thinks that: “$500,000 a year, is ‘Fuck You, Money’.”
Friend of Tim 2 disagrees: “No way, ‘Fuck You, Money’ is twenty million.”
Friend of Tim 1 counters: “Listen, at $500,000 a year you can send your kids to college, you can have a nice house, you can give your daughter braces.”
Friend of Tim 3 ups the ante (just for upping the ante’s sake, we think): “No, $200 million is ‘Fuck You, Money’.”
Friend of Tim 4 adds: “You can’t get a jet at $20 million.”
Friend of Tim 1, rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic quietly offers: “At $500,000 you’re leading a nice, good middle class life.”
Having had enough of this ludicrous discussion (and clearly trying to get the incompetent waitress’s attention so that he might order his crème brûlée), the Grand High Poobah at the table swoops in and shuts everyone up: “At $500,000 a year you can’t blow $20,000 on a stripper. Have fun with your daughter’s braces and your middle class Florida trailer home, [Friend of Tim 1].”
Annnnd scene.
i kind of hate to say this but you’re making me want to see this show, levin.
and i was just going to slit my wrists because i’m that $500,00aire schmuck, but ms. levin’s satirical genius has saved the day again. now if you’ll excuse me, I have to remind my damn mother to get my dry cleaning…
You neglicted to mention the part about the guy at the trading desk — that scene was an exact re-enactment of the dan hedaya scene at the beginning of “Joe Vs the Volcano”.
Classic.
Also, the cheese doodles aiming for $200 million in family you-money was comedy gold.
Tim Sykes, aka cheap jew. I like to think of him as cheap jew who will be working as a retail broker in a year after he blows up.
any writer who could so tastefully sneak in a conversation between a mother and son where the mother hints about her sons possible s&m fetish is nothing less than a god
p.s. i totally agree that one should “never let the help help itself to your goody drawer.” i know from experience
exactly how might one get to this DealBreaker Janitorial Closet, hmm? Like, specifically, what subway would one take and at which stop would one get off and then where would one turn left/right to get to said DB JC?
hey levin, sorry for the delay but I have been traveling. that’s a lie, ive just been too lazy getting coffee etc.
good article. i think you might like the following qutoe from one of my favorite movies!! Getting to the good part, Gecko states, ‘…I’m not talking a $400,000 a year working Wall Street stiff flying first class and being ‘comfortable’, I’m talking rich pal, rich enough to fly in your own jet, rich enough not to waste time, 50-100 million, a player Bud — or nothing. You had what it takes to get through my door. Next question: You got what it takes to stay?’
I have an honest inquiry. The characters on this show seem to be legitimate except for Mr. Sykes. Does he really have a “hedge fund” or do he just believe it. What is the name of this so called hedge fund? He keeps going on about this fully audited $1.65 mill. from 13K. This is impressive, but I thought that was done in 12-18 months. What has he done in the last five years?
I concur with another poster, the show (WSW) is OK but your insights are very entertaining.
To further clarify — the 12-18 months comment was a reference to the 1999-2000 period when Sykes made this money.
I haven’t heard any bragging about what he has done lately. Maybe Sykes is becoming modest in his advancing years.
Sandy rocks!
Remember, when elephants migrate, they always end up returning by the same route.
Timmy’s HF is called Cilantro Fund Partners and was launched in March ’03. He runs a little less than $1.5mm and is down about -24% since June ’06. YTD, he’s at -16.6%. He returned 6% in ’03, 20.4% in ’04, and 23.6% in ’05. So yeah, if he was in the ‘pen, he would be the dainty, soft-handed, pony-tailed prisoner with the market acting as his overly-protective 300-pound cell-mate.
Parker’s HF is called Little Wing and he runs around $25mm. Back in the mid-90′s, he was a star and ran quite a bit of dough (around $400mm?) … but had a disastrous period b/w ’98 and ’99 (down -50% in about 3 months). But I give him props for climbing out his Grand Canyon-esque drawdown and not quitting. But I guess that’s akin to applauding a retarded kid for molesting the family dog instead of his little sister so I dunno. So far, he’s had a tough time in ’06 with his short-bias approach … down around -10% YTD, maybe more.
Guy’s HF is called Spartan Mullen Chimay and it appears to be the most “legitimate” of the lot. Runs around $100mm and started in 1998. Huge returns (with lower asset base): 126% in ’98; 234% in ’99; 209% in ’00; 63% in ’01; 1.6% in ’02; 81% in ’03; 7% in ’04; 29% in ’05 … but down around -7% YTD. Had a bad Sep ’06 (-5.3%) and a disastrous Oct ’06 (-10.6%). As is the case for most HF’s, it is very difficult to sustain performance with increased assets. So perhaps, like many others, Guy is suffering from playing the asset gathering, rather than asset appreciation, game.
BMW
great post.
I agree. It is much easier to have huge returns when you have a smaller base. When you take on too much money at one time, it is difficult to mimic the high returns. This happened with Magellan. It was very successful especially when it had a smaller base, but got too much recognition, too much money, and then average returns.
I wonder if the guys that are on this show love themselves that much or are looking for publicity to get more investors in their funds. I would rather go with someone that isn’t a media hog. Who needs all that scrutiny anyway.
The Specialist is the only one I wouldn’t lump in the category above.
Goody Drawer: My friend’s maid stole something from her goody drawer. Horrifying yet hilarious.
The Jackass’s of the Round Table on WSW: I’ve never met a humble trader that I didn’t like. If you believe your own press that spews out of your own mouth…today’s press is tomorrow’s bird cage liner.
sykes is ok in my book, but his wall street friends are a bunch of little pricks. Id like to punch all of them in the face.
Just watched epsiode as a re-run…the scene with the twenty somethings at the Waldorf concluding that having a 10million portfolio that kicks off $500,000.00 in annual interest is enough to lead a ‘solid middle class lifestyle’ is truly awesome. Someone please put that scene on Youtube; it could be titled ‘American Jackass’. Hey table members: see the world, take a yoga class or learn to meditate, and get some fukkin perspective.
I am gonna be the next tim sykes because i started trading when i was 9.
BEWARE: Never Trust Tim Sykes with your MONEY!!
Cilantro/Sykes Hedge Fund Audited Performance SUCKS BIG TIME (3/2003-6/2007):
Compounded Annual Return: 1.52% (underperformed money market rates, with much higher risk; better to buy CD’s than lose with Tim)
Cilantro/Sykes Fund Sharpe Ratio (Annualized): -0.06
(may as well bet on coin flips; or do as Tim Sykes and sell out and go on TV/self-publish etc)
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