A report issued by the Nebbish League (shhh, you wouldn’t have passed up that opportunity either), headed by co-chairs Mike Bloomberg and Chuck Schumer, states that the Street stands to lose up to 60,000 jobs in the next five years unless “cumbersome” government regulations are discarded and replaced by “looser European-style ones” including but not limited to more lax approaches to the ménage a trois. The report cautions that New York could lose up to $25 billion in cash currently generated by Wall Street “unless their blueprint for revising securities regulations is heeded.” Advised changes include:

*Setting up a new a new congressional panel to oversee financial services

*Cutting Homeland Security red tape to make it easier for foreign experts to obtain working visas

*Creating a special international zone here, an "open city" that would allow businesses to operate under a more liberal set of tax and regulatory rules than ordinarily allowed in the U.S.

*Draft concise guidelines for the sometimes ambiguous rules of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act.

* Restrict class-action lawsuits again companies by capping awards and encouraging more arbitration.

* Adapt principles used by regulators in England and France to get U.S. laws "in global harmony."

* Coordinate U.S. accounting rules with global financial reporting standards.

* Encourage U.S banking regulators to sign a recently adopted global accord, known as Basel II, which puts American banks on the same page with the rest of the world in terms of risk and oversight.

Chuckie-boy also noted somewhat darkly, “The last thing that New York and the country need is to wake up one morning and find we are no longer the financial capital of the world,” which was not unlike how he woke up one day and found out Mrs. Schumer was actually a Puerto Rican trannie named Raoul. Sidebar: the Schumster and I use the same moisturizer.

NOT WELL ST.: CITY OVER A SARBOX BARREL: STUDY [NYPost]