When it rains, it pours, as they say. Yesterday we treated you to a little update on everyone’s favorite Wall Street Warrior, Tim Sykes. Today, he was good enough to offer us some insight on The Dow, Punxsutawney Phil, and his friend/housekeeper’s feelings on the scrutiny the media’s placed him—the housekeeper—under, of late.

Let’s talk about yesterday. What are your thoughts?
Who cares! Its a small percentage move in the overall scheme of things and we've been long overdue for a correction. Hopefully this puts back some fear into the marketplace because everybody has gotten used to stocks moving gradually higher over the past few years.

The character Dow 道 (or Tao, depending on the Romanization scheme) means "path" or "way", but in Chinese religion and philosophy it has taken on more abstract meanings. Explain.
In Taoism, one cannot force their destiny, they must be receptive to the path laid before them. The Dow is the Tao of our country as we look to it as a guide to the overall health of our economy. While this is somewhat of a ridiculous notion since there is no way to tell exactly how long the Dow lags the economy or vice versa, it has become an overarching symbol rather than an exact indicator, much like the famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil.

Yesterday, everybody became very nervous very quickly because our economic groundhog saw a rather large shadow and scared everybody into believing that we are due for an economic winter. AKA recession. I believe it to be a little less than accurate than Mr. Phil.

How did the events of yesterday affect your live-in help?
My roommate is tired of getting shit on by the press that has inexplicably decided to focus on that part of my story probably because I have not done anything significant lately to warrant all this most recent round of attention. This should all change once the book that I am currently working on is published and blows the water out of people's perception about the hedge fund industry.

P.S. My roommate has no comment [of his own] regarding yesterday's market drop.

Do you think you've got what it takes to rally the Dow on pure Tim Sykes Juice (TM) alone?
No, all the juice and the Jews in the world are not enough to keep this super tanker from well, tanking. This will either be the beginning of a short drop, an extended drop, or some sideways action which would inevitably then lead to either a short drop, an extended drop, or a short pop or an extended drop. whether it is a short drop, an extended drop, or a short pop or an extended drop, that will surely lead to more sideways action before leading to either a short drop, an extended drop, or a short pop or an extended drop.

I hope you understand my sarcasm in that really anything can happen because it is overwhelmingly impossible to predict with any definitive accuracy if this is just a blip or a major change in direction for the nation's economic Punxsutawney Phil.

Wanda or Plum?
Crazy Eyes Killa.

Earlier: Tim Sykes Has The Gargantuan Cojones To Ask His Friends To Clean His Dirty Underwear (And That's Not Necessarily A Bad Thing)