Just the other day we were thinking, “We wonder what that Tim Sykes fellow, paragon of modesty and restraint, is up to right now?” Since we knew many of you were thinking that too, we decided to check in with the debatably wunderkindish short-seller, who was more than happy to point us in the direction of a recent interview with Joe Concha of realhoboken.com: Hoboken’s Premier Online Magazine. (Don’t scoff—it’s just a quick Path ride away and considered by some to be the sixth borough of New York! Or the seventh, if you bought the Times’s story about a city 90 minutes south of New York). It was an long, dirty, and arduous task traversing the article but we did it-- for you (and because apparently, given enough of Carney's painkillers, we'll do anything. Plus, we figured that if CNBC's going to declare this "We've Had It With Legit Reporting Week," we might as well get on board).** Here are our findings:

1.Sykes isn’t just a short-seller. He’s a “Hedge Fund Guru.”

2.Sykes-y-boy may or may not be two steps away from having rape charges brought against him by a lying hooker out for money.

The fairly recent Tulane graduate is to Wall Street what Kobe Bryant was to basketball when he broke into the league right out of High School.

3. He knows the true value of friendship: Eggplant Parmigiana Wednesdays and thrice-weekly toilet scrubs. And French maid uniforms when the occasion calls for it.

Concha: Tell me about the hired help for your apartment.

Sykes: He’s a friend, a protégé. He doesn’t really have the money to afford rent in a West Village apartment, so he makes up for it with the cleaning and cooking.

**JK. JK, we're serious. But our love for you, Jonathan, is unflappable. You (or someone 18 rungs below you) hired us as an intern on the McEnroe Show in the summer of '04 and that's got to count for something--look where we are now!

3.He’s a man after Carney’s alcoholic,
“some-of-my-best-nights-have-turned-into-waking-up-in-an-alleyway-with-a-trannie-named-Snakes-mornings.”

Concha: You play in a pretty lucrative but high-risk space. How do you handle the pressure that goes along with moving so much money on a daily basis?

Sykes: I cannot stress enough that drinking, partying and taking time off dramatically helps trading results.

4.He is a Satan worshiper (see: similarities between Sykes and Carney, earlier) and hates America.

Concha: For those not in the trading game, what is it that you do exactly?

Sykes: I short-sale small cap and micro cap equities. My whole strategy is trying to find these stocks that shouldn’t be hot. Shorting is so mysterious; it’s kind of like hedge funds. So if you run a short-selling on a hedge fund, God forbid…you’re the fucking devil.

It’s unpatriotic. I’m betting against American companies…I’m rooting for them to fail. Little do they know that the companies I’m shorting don’t deserve to have a high stock price. So I’m not a bad guy…I’m just taking advantage of the fact that bad guys are out there.

5.He’s gay.

Concha: You star in a documentary called Wall Street Warriors (co-produced by Scott Gill, whose credits include Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy) and have had numerous articles written about you (Sykes has been featured on Reuters, CNN, CNN Money, CNBC and Trader Monthly’s ‘Top 30 under 30’). This makes you somewhat of a celebrity, at least in Wall Street circles. To that end, what actor do you most admire?

Sykes: Ashton Kutcher.

6. Someday, in the not too distant future, he’ll be recognized as more than “that guy who knocked over a freestanding fan on an episode of Wall Street Warriors while wearing only boxers and a robe with ‘Timmy’ stitched on the left pocket.”**

Concha: Where do you see yourself in 20 years?

Sykes: I probably will have started some incredible web site that I can’t even imagine right now that will revolutionize the world within 17 months, like You Tube.

**This will have less to do with a failed YouTube 2.0 and more do to with a David Blaine-esque effort to remain submerged in a tank of water on the floor of the NYSE for 5+ days. You knows those Wall Street Warriors, always with their ill-fated attempts at magic. Christian Slater will be on-hand, in some sort of capacity not known at this juncture.

Earlier: DealBreaker coverage of Wall Street Warriors
.

Greed is Good [Real Hoboken]