Earlier this afternoon, Deal Journal editor and weasel we love Dana Cimilluca took a look at some cold hard facts, Re: is Blackstone the new Goldman Sachs? The answered seemed to be yes, based on a series of data points including but not limited to private equity, earnings growth, and revenue per employee; but advocating for the devil, as we sometimes like to do, we decided to take a closer look.
Real Estate Everyone knowsthat the Goldman Sachers’ nicknames are “Masters of the Universe,” as ripped from the pages of Tom Wolfe’s Bonfire of the Vanities. What people don’t know is that Goldman and Goldman groupies (Carney) no longer have the right to refer to Blankfein and his henchmen as such, as a result of the Stoners’ successful acquisition of Eternia, some months back. Since occupying Eternia HQs—Castle Grayskull—Schwarzman and friends have been meaning to send out change of address cards (and, therefore, rightful ownership of the moniker, “Masters of the Universe”), but have been busy fending off attacks by Skeletor, Hordak, the Snake Men and Sam Zell, all of whom believe that the secrets inside would allow them to conquer Eternia. Point: Blackstone
Secret Powers Blackstone: A wife who knows how to make a great centerpiece. Goldman: This kid. Point: Goldman.
Hedge Funds You’d think, what with Blackstone’s 8.9% returns since October, versus Goldman’s negative 6% returns last year, this category would have a clear winner. It does, but not the one you might’ve guessed. Sources (drugs) tell us that Blackstone has plans to invest heavily in former Amaranth trader and famed icthyophile Brian Hunter’s new
winery hedge fund, Solengo. Point: Goldman.
SuccessorsThis is Cringer. Please relate back to the Blackstone CEO in waiting, Tony James. Point: Goldman.
Blackstone vs. Goldman II [Deal Journal]