Mergers & Acquisitions

M&A: Bleeders and Breeders

Mergers & Acquisitions Graphic.JPGA well-known financier—cough, Lloyd Blankfein, cough—once said, “The Sunday Styles’ ‘Weddings and Celebrations’ section exists solely to make people feel bad about themselves. If you’re unwed—it’s a reminder that you probably never will be; for the single women, it reinforces the fact that they will die alone, save for their cats and the indelible crows feet caused by years of putting careers before relationships. For the men, it’s a splash of cold water on their no-longer-youthful faces that no one wants an aging bachelor—even Jay McInerney is all, ‘I’d argue that having three divorces and four wives to my name is a small price to pay in exchange for being off that bitch of a singles market.’ And if you’re reading ‘W&C’ and are wearing the tiniest handcuff known to mankind? Well, that’s just the cruelest punishment of all. You know what these people are in for.” (Which is part of the reason people stopped inviting him to their weddings and bar mitzvahs– who needs that kind of negativity?)
With that said, we here at Dealbreaker are always up for trivializing the pain of others, and noticed some time ago the considerable Venn Diagram overlap between the unfortunate souls “married last evening at the Tribeca Rooftop” and the same people having jobs in the industry of which we cover. Every Monday, we’ll review the Times wedding announcements that involve professionals, assign them “market value,” based on experience, firm, any other occupational variables we see fit. Feel free to add your own ratings scale and we may or may not incorporate it into our own next week.

Katherine Lewis, Schuyler Perry
-Graduated from Williams (-6)
-Is a publicist (-3) specializing in the technology and retail industries (-3)
Pre-merger valuation: -12
-Graduated from Hamilton (+0.5)
-Is a financial advisor (-2) in the private wealth management (-1) unit at Merrill Lynch (-1) in New York
Pre-merger valuation: -3.5
Post-merger valuation: -15.5

: Dead Horse coverage suspended. Market Rating: Underperform. We feel the entity needs a serious recapitalization to generate any return on equity.

Susannah Eastlake-Wade and Brendan Jones
-Graduated from Wellesley (+1: 7 Sisters are experienced but not diseased)
-Is the manager of corporate and foundation fund-raising at the National Hemophilia Foundation in New York (an admittedly freaky cause that links one to royalty: +3)
Pre-merger valuation: +4
-Graduated from Connecticut College (0)
-Is a vice president (+2) and an assistant portfolio manager at Bear, Stearns & Company (+1) in New York
Pre-merger valuation: +3
Post-merger valuation: +7
Notes: Everyone’s a winner; let this be a lesson to you all—in-breeding is a quick and effective way to ingratiate yourselves to the Mergers and Acquisitions team.

Victoria Potterton, Austin Zalkin

-Graduated from Dartmouth (+1), magna cum laude (+1)
-Will graduate from Yale (+2) next month with a combined medical and M.B.A. degree (Pretty hard core. Or: overcompensating. Slash doesn’t even make sense, like a JD/M.B.A. Totally ambiguous combination of degrees: +3)
Pre-merger valuation: +7
-Graduated from Dartmouth (+1), cum laude (-1: if you’re going to do something, do it. None of this pussyfooting around.)
-Works in New York as an associate (-1) at ACI Capital (0), an investment firm, seeking out companies to buy (+1)
Pre-merger valuation: 0
Post-merger valuation: +7
Notes: This is clearly a CreditSuisseFirstBoston situation. Where’s First Boston now? Sitting at home, emasculated, waiting for his wife to come home (also: he’s probably taking her last name).

(hidden for your protection)
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41 Responses to “M&A: Bleeders and Breeders”

  1. anon. says:

    We hate these posts.
    – your readers

  2. BSD says:

    The opinions of the anon above do not represent those of Dealbreaker readership. Keep it coming Bess!

  3. suck it, anon says:

    actually, these are my favorite.
    anon: get lost.

  4. Anonymous says:

    why is williams a (-6)?

  5. GM says:

    Because Bess is a nazi from Amherst.

  6. yay says:

    i want more explanations for the ratings.

  7. Anonymous says:

    bess’ shtick is old. i used the word shtick because it’s jewish.

  8. KMan says:

    I like these each week.

  9. KMan says:

    I like these each week.

  10. AJ says:

    How is Hamilton +0.5? I had to google it…. Bess and her silly liberal arts-ness

  11. J says:

    I love these posts. Keep it up. The creativity behind these cannot be the result of only one man (or woman). Hats off to you!

  12. Steve says:

    How about Susannah and Brendan getting an automatic -1000 because the bridegrooms face looks like a ginormous, hideously bloated (due to either piss poor genes or a hard night of single malt filled debauchery) pumpkin.
    And the million dollar question: Susannah is able to tolerate her bi-weekly rogering by pumpkin head because a) she is legally blind, b) he is hung like Lexingto Steel, or c) she slams a pre-fornication cocktail of red wine and 100mg of vico?

  13. Bulging Bracket says:

    BJones is a welshman, hence the scary pumpkin head. Pic of Susannah shows that she’s very pudgy with a deceptive face (hence why she’s wearingsuch a huge jacket). They’re able to go without alcohol since they’ve both resigned themselves to the lowered expectations dating pool.

  14. JS says:

    this is dealbreaker’s best feature

  15. Anonymous says:

    somebody save me from my fucking excel and combo flourescent lightbulb/giant duel-monitor action tan

  16. Anonymous says:

    shit. i can’t even spell words anymore (read “dual”).

  17. Anonymous says:

    me and bess levin for next week’s M&A

  18. beanspants1 says:

    Dang, if Williams is a -6, then what’s a state school in Montana or Kansas?
    Negative infinity, or is there a limit at Florida State, around -50?
    Oh, whoops, i just looked up Williams College, and any university that tells how many books it has as if that’s a selling point in the day of FedEx and the internet is crappier than Florida State.
    So, i’m guessing the floor is around -10?

  19. NESCAC says:

    for all you non-liberal arters, williams is actually considered the most elite college in the country, except for amherst.

  20. DH says:

    second BL in next week’s M&A but to me.

  21. 10K Ballin' says:

    hey NESAC, williams and elite in the same sentence is about as ridiculous as ‘except for amherst’ directly after said ridiculousness. lay off the that cheap N.E weed and go check for some books from that piece of shit website. friggen Herbs.
    Hamilton, Williams, Amherst…seriously people do you think any of these Bronte loving lesbo schools can even hold a candle to the IITs, Stanfords, Michigans and Dukes of the world? Wise up freak. Go check the desks of any real P.E and/or HF. Hamilton…, Williams, lol, what, is Bear hiring???
    “Percentage of students who participate in theatrical performances….who are not theatre or music majors 90%”- Yeah, HYP and and the above are shook by that stat. Wait a minute, do these future unemployed copywriters even know what a stat is???
    hell, no wonder this “M&A analysis” blows worse than Maria on a Shitti G-4!

  22. vayner says:

    since when is yale a plus in finance (or even medicine)? studying anything involving numbers or the sciences at yale is like being a PE guy at DEShaw. forget CSFB, try AOLTW.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Victoria’s degrees are not “ambiguous” as you say although I’m sure with the highfallutin amherst liberal arts education you know that is the wrong word.
    Medical degree is extremely valuable if you are analyzing a medical company they have highly specialized products this is not like working on retailers u cannot just take a guess, “oh yeah i think people will like cashmere this season” having actual medical knowledge/background is essential
    and I happen to know none other than your vaunted goldman pays big bucks for this kind of experience and background

  24. merkin says:

    yale med is top 10.

  25. Anonymous says:

    among merger valuation metrics, more useful ones would be average not additive. you want the value per person here otherwise you are double counting.
    amherst, not known for its maths obviously

  26. b says:

    Williams beat by Hamilton!
    Have you ever noticed anyone who went to Williams always tells you that even if it has no bearing on the conversation or issue at hand? Overcompensating. Never hear Weslyan people or MIT survivors doing that…. hmmm- so- I say make Williams a -15 just to make it worse.

  27. Man says:

    I think you should rate the parents too–obviously where you come from matters almost as much as what you’re currently doing!!

  28. anon says:

    this is a somewhat less funny and more cryptic version of exactly what gawker does.
    and to 10k ballin – are you for real? your idiocy is not even worth a response.

  29. John Carney says:

    While our M&A feature certainly owes something to Gawker’s, it would be a stretch to say that Gawker invented commenting on the NYT wedding announcements. It’s been a regular feature of Sunday brunch with my female friends for years. Not for nothing were these things often called the sporting pages for women. (That was before we knew better than to assert that women might be more interested than men in who is marrying whom.) And the section was the subject of an entertaining blog called Veiled Conceit well before Gawker picked up the idea.
    We think we’re doing something original here by focusing on people who work in finance and brining our own (and, in particular, Bess Levin’s) sensibility to reading the announcements.
    But we welcome your advice on how to improve the feature. To that end, our gratitude from many of the comments above, especially Man and the anonymous commenter asking for average rather than additive metrics.

  30. B says:

    Someone needs to explain the scoring system because it’s beyond me how Hamilton gets a +0.5 while Dartmouth and Yale only get +1 and +2 respectively.

  31. Bulging Bracket says:

    Wlliams and finance… ha.
    You’re only hired to be in the marketing department or eye candy if you went to Williams, Amherst, Vassar… You don’t go to a pure liberal arts school if you can do math. You go to an Ivy or you go to engineering school. Cal Tech, Stanford, MIT, etc. Much better talent than some french major (sorry Muffy).
    Getting a degree for writing essays that repeat back your professors’ prejudices is a joke, so of course Amherst is oversubscribed. But “elite”? Deal with a Cal-Tech or MIT kid and we’ll see who’s really elite. Not as many Vanderbilts, many more who WILL be the next generation of tycoons.

  32. anon says:

    bulging bracket – are you insane? the quality of students at top liberal arts colleges easily overlaps with those at top large research universities. you have to have been living in your cellar and not actually interacting with a range of students from both MIT/Stanford/Williams/Amherst/Swarthmore to come up with such asinine assertions. i don’t find it surprising that investment banks spend more capital recruiting at the large unis, but to say that they or anyone else don’t respect top math or hard sciences students at lib arts schools is ridiculous. the faculty at these schools is top-notch, especially in math at williams. faculty choose a small liberal arts college for many reasons; i guarantee you that one of those is NOT because they are or have been downgraded from a large university. perhaps another is that they like to be able to socialize with the students, which at a cal-tech or MIT, would be a hit-or-miss scenario as most of students have the social skills which have been hard-earned from playing counter strike or halo 18 hours a day and forgetting about personal hygiene.

  33. BSD says:

    I went to a small “liberal arts” college. We had every major bulge IB and (for what it’s worth every major management consulting firm) come to recruit on campus.
    Our top corp fin professor came from HBS and was getting paid over $200K. Class sizes were 20-25 kids tops. When I had final rounds at the bulges it was a joke how much more I knew than the Stanford and Ivy kids. MIT and Cal Tech are legit though.

  34. BSD says:

    To further clarify my point – going to a small “liberal arts” college with a renowned finance program will give you superior individualized attention without diminishing your chances at getting a job at a top employer.
    The counterpoint is that getting a Gender Studies, “Business”, or some other bullshit degree is just as pathetic whether it comes from a liberal arts college a large university.

  35. Migster says:

    To all east coast Ivy League fans out there…let’s get real. Most of you wear yellow pants with pink whale motifs, can’t even read a 10K, and are quite challenged at anything involving math. If you want a real education, I suggest the University of Chicago.

  36. anon says:

    can we all just agree that bulging bracket and 10k ballin are complete morons? they both live in murray hill and go to sutton place on the weekends; of that, i am sure.

  37. AJ says:

    if only everyone could go to Wharton undergrad…

  38. snoopy says:

    Thats the place Todd and Maria get together under the guise of a board meeting. What board do they meet on? Right the pool table.

  39. Jeramy Lampo says:

    i hope facebook will be gone nobody needs it just somebody doesnt understand it yet

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