M&A: I'm Tired Of Playing This Game With You

A well-known financier—cough, Lloyd Blankfein, cough—once said, “The Sunday Styles’ ‘Weddings and Celebrations’ section exists solely to make people feel bad about themselves. If you’re unwed—it’s a reminder that you probably never will be; for the single women, it reinforces the fact that they will die alone, save for their cats and the indelible crows feet caused by years of putting careers before relationships. For the men, it’s a splash of cold water on their no-longer-youthful faces that no one wants an aging bachelor—even Jay McInerney is all, ‘I’d argue that having three divorces and four wives to my name is a small price to pay in exchange for being off that bitch of a singles market.' And if you’re reading ‘W&C’ and are wearing the tiniest handcuff known to mankind? Well, that’s just the cruelest punishment of all. You know what these people are in for.” (Which is part of the reason people stopped inviting him to their weddings and bar mitzvahs-- who needs that kind of negativity?)

With that said, we here at Dealbreaker are always up for trivializing the pain of others, and noticed some time ago the considerable Venn Diagram overlap between the unfortunate souls “married last evening at the Tribeca Rooftop” and the same people having jobs in the industry of which we cover. Every Monday, we’ll review the Times wedding announcements that involve professionals, assign them “market value,” based on experience, firm, any other occupational variables we see fit. Feel free to add your own ratings scale and we may or may not incorporate it into our own next week.

Salima Vahabzadeh, Paul Sheppard

Bride:

-Graduated from Cornell (+1)

-Received her MBA (-1) from Wharton (this pains us but: +3)

-Is responsible for corporate finance mergers and acquisitions (+2) at Allen & Company (-1)

Pre-merger valuation: 4 points

Bridegroom:

-Graduated from Cambridge (+2)

-Received his MBA (-1) from Wharton (+3)

-Works on media company mergers and acquisitions (-2) at Evercore Partners (+2)

Pre-merger valuation: 4 points

Post-merger valuation: 8 points

Notes: Salima and Paul—like every other couple in this week’s edition of M&A—met in grad school. We’re not saying the young Briton had to make a split-second decision come graduation, re: his rapidly expiring student visa, but we (KH especially) know from experience that green cards don’t come so easy.

Bronwen Charters, William Mason

Bride:

-Graduated from the University of Chicago (+1)

-Received her JD (-1) from Vanderbilt (+2 (Carney insisted—“Girls are pulchritudinous in the South, Bess” (actually, he said “hot” and licked his lips but then added, “make me sound not lecherous, that’s how you reel them in to Carney’s Fun House” and licked his lips again.)))

-Is an associate (-3) specializing in securities law (-1) at Shearman & Sterling (+1)

Pre-merger valuation: -1 points

Bridegroom:

-Graduated from St. Lawrence (-1)

-Received his MBA (-1) from Vanderbilt (+2)

-Is an associate (+1) and investment representative in the private wealth management division (-2) of Morgan Stanley (+1)

Pre-merger valuation: 0 points

Post-merger valuation: -1 points

Notes: The numbers alone indicate that this was a foolhardy union but we’re confident the couple will be well-insulated by the WASP’s nest in which they live. And in case there’s any confusion, we’re referring to the American heavy metal band formed in 1982, which gained notoriety for its shock rock themed image, lyrics and live performances.)

Comer Ireland, Brandon Aebersold

Bride:

-Graduated from UNC (+0.5)

-Received her JD (-1) from UVA (+1)

-Is an associate (-1) at Park Hill Real Estate Group (-1), which raises money for investment in real estate funds (+1)

Pre-merger valuation: -0.5 points

Bridegroom:

-Graduated summa cum laude (+2) from Furman University (0)

-Received his JD (-1) from UVA (+1)

-Received his MBA (-1) from the University of Chicago (+1)

-Is to become an associate (+1) in August (taking the summer easy: +3) at Lazard (+1)

Pre-merger valuation: 8 points

Post-merger valuation: 7.5 points

Notes: This merger is extremely dilutive to the groom. We'd say he'll probably regret it in 3-5, but it was probably part of his overachieving master plan all along to marry a fixer-upper. That, or he just wants to be able to call her and play this whenever the mood strikes, substituting “It’s dad, call me back when you get a sec” for “It’s Brandon, gimme a call when you get a chance or I'll just see you back at the house.” And that kind of makes it all worth it.