Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column “Heard in the Suite” is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.
Sometimes, when your BBFs turn out to be unsupportive scabs, you just need to distract yourself. Unfortunately, right when that happens you seem to get a bunch of outside influences tugging at you. Well, because a certain editor violated my privacy and splayed my AIM name (muffiehbs05) out on the entire interwebs, I now get any number of dipsticks asking me for a date. True, I had this one passable one in email already and I already had to ignore a bunch of tools in my inbox, but then you find out that some of the ones you are hoping have promise just wither away without even a fight when you shine even a dim light on them. I swear, I don’t know how you are supposed to meet someone when you work for a highly prestigious investment bank like I do.
Anyhow, so in a weak moment, I get this email, I respond to it, I have to wait 22 hours (which is intolerable for a date planning session and then this is what I get:
(after the jump)
7:55:10 PM peguyfrom?: hiya stranger
7:55:18 PM muffiehbs05: Why hello.
7:55:23 PM muffiehbs05: And yes, you are indeed a stranger. Who are you?
7:55:47 PM muffiehbs05: Oh, and just so you know, I reserve the right to publish all my chats. ;)
7:56:27 PM peguyfrom?: fair warning
7:56:39 PM muffiehbs05: Of course, they have to be interesting first.
7:57:01 PM peguyfrom?: well im not that interesting so im worried
7:57:10 PM muffiehbs05: And that’s not a really flattering way to start a conversation, you know.
7:57:32 PM peguyfrom?: sorry i’ll start over
7:57:36 PM muffiehbs05: Good idea.
7:57:45 PM peguyfrom?: hiya stranger
7:59:20 PM muffiehbs05: Yes, we are strangers, that’s for sure.
7:59:42 PM peguyfrom?: just so you know,, i dont pull that whole “breakfast and books” with everyone
7:59:45 PM peguyfrom?: in fact youre the first
8:00:00 PM muffiehbs05: Oh, right, you were the email invitation for me to have breakfast and go bookshopping? I’m honored, I think. To what fatal flow do I owe the pleasure?
8:00:20 PM peguyfrom?: i cant pinpoint it
8:00:29 PM peguyfrom?: i saw the pic and had an urge to buy you breakfast
8:00:30 PM muffiehbs05: That’s always been my problem.
8:00:40 PM peguyfrom?: how so
8:00:45 PM muffiehbs05: Who are you, what do you do and where do you come from?
8:01:14 PM peguyfrom?: wow get to the point,, i guess this wont be a “youve got mail” relationship
8:01:29 PM muffiehbs05: I have no patience for Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, or cheesy romance hits.
8:01:47 PM muffiehbs05: I am a busy girl, so what’s up? Lots to do.
8:01:52 PM peguyfrom?: im sean, now you go
8:02:06 PM muffiehbs05: I’m Muffie. Isn’t this fun?
8:02:13 PM peguyfrom?: very. nice to mee you muffie
8:02:20 PM peguyfrom?: is that your birth name or a nickname
8:02:36 PM muffiehbs05: Nice to meet you Sean. And again, back to the moment where I hope things inflect. What can I do for you, Sean?
8:03:08 PM peguyfrom?: cant a guy just spank up a convo without demanding something?
8:03:31 PM muffiehbs05: Spank? I really hope that’s a reference to wanting to get a spanking or something and not… never mind.
8:03:49 PM peguyfrom?: you asked if you could do somehting for me,, who said i needed anything
8:03:51 PM muffiehbs05: You are talking to me for a reason, right? I mean, I am allowed to get something out of it, yes?
8:04:07 PM muffiehbs05: That is permitted? This is AMERICA right? Not some socialist state where greed is illegal?
8:04:34 PM peguyfrom?: right
8:04:52 PM peguyfrom?: where are you from muffie
8:05:59 PM muffiehbs05: Hang on.
8:06:01 PM muffiehbs05: Phone.
8:07:06 PM muffiehbs05: I’m sorry, where were you?
8:07:11 PM peguyfrom?: i was asking you where you were from
8:08:00 PM muffiehbs05: No, no, no. You were doing fine, you’d been courteous and receptive to courtesy, you’d established trust with the embarrassing truth about your first attempt, and now this ham-handed segue into small talk. It won’t do. It’s stupid and boring.
8:08:24 PM muffiehbs05: Really, who are you and what do you do? Interest me. Enthrall me.
8:08:37 PM peguyfrom?: alright i’ll do my best
8:08:50 PM muffiehbs05: You haven’t been doing your best heretofore?
8:08:56 PM muffiehbs05: Am I not worth it? Your best? From the get go?
8:09:11 PM peguyfrom?: to be completely honest, no one has ever talked to me like you have
8:09:15 PM muffiehbs05: It won’t be the last time, I promise.
8:09:17 PM peguyfrom?: i meet the wrong girls apparently
8:09:42 PM peguyfrom?: cut to the chase- im from new york i work at credit suisse in the private equity group
8:10:59 PM muffiehbs05: What do you do in the private equity group?
8:11:26 PM peguyfrom?: analyst
8:11:31 PM muffiehbs05: B school?
8:11:48 PM peguyfrom?: ahh this is where i show my age
8:11:57 PM muffiehbs05: That’s a problem for you usually?
8:12:26 PM peguyfrom?: well when im talking to a b school 2005 grad,, its not the best idea to show how young and inexperienced i am at life
8:12:43 PM peguyfrom?: just graduated college a year ago
8:12:45 PM muffiehbs05: So you haven’t been to b-school?
8:12:50 PM muffiehbs05: And you do what for CS PE?
8:13:12 PM peguyfrom?: again, analyst
8:13:23 PM muffiehbs05: How old are you?
8:13:28 PM peguyfrom?: 23
8:13:39 PM peguyfrom?: i thought we werent doing small talk
8:13:45 PM muffiehbs05: Fuck small talk, would you? C’mon. I waited 20 hours or something for you to IM me after I emailed?
8:13:57 PM muffiehbs05: Wait, 23? How long have you been an analyst?
8:14:08 PM peguyfrom?: about a year
8:14:39 PM peguyfrom?: whats your story? “entrall me”
8:15:04 PM muffiehbs05: Why should I enthrall you? You’re the guy.
8:15:13 PM muffiehbs05: So, planning on b-school?
8:15:23 PM peguyfrom?: yea in a couple years
8:15:47 PM peguyfrom?: im assuming you reccomend hbs
8:16:09 PM muffiehbs05: RECOMMEND? What other option is there? Wow, you have your obtuse side. it’s kind of cute. Yeah, but not really. Just get daddy to call his people and write you a rec. It takes like a 10 minute phone call with some partner at some law firm who you never even have to meet, really.
8:16:27 PM peguyfrom?: boston folk dont like me
8:16:29 PM muffiehbs05: Tell you what. Drop me a ringie-ding when you’ve graduated HBS, ok, doll?
8:16:59 PM muffiehbs05: I have to run. Suzie is SMSing me from downstairs in the car.
that pic…gets me going every time..
wtf does an analyst in pe do right after college? is it comps? i’m confused. i hope that’s not his real screename.
i love you muffie
upon further reflection (for about a minute), i can’t imagine it’d be much better than a 1st year analyst in ib. most pe groups won’t even hire right out of undergrad, but who knows?
How do you say “get over you’re self” in French?
I find this entire line of conversation oddly disingenuous. This “Muffie” character appears to be largely fictional.
Furthermore, the IM conversation seems to be doctored. Ms. Muffie is selling the exchange as evidence of her ability to think on the fly and parry the neanderthal overtures of some knuckle-dragging analyst. In reality, I think it’s an after-the-fact attempt to convince the readership that Ms. Muffie is a lot more of a thinker than she really is.
To me, this sounds like those stories you hear from your friends on Fridays after work…”Ya dude, I totally told my PM off..I told him to F himself because I TOTALLY made the call that [insert whatever here]“. The reality more likely involves you getting reamed by your PM then walking off and steaming at your desk over what you probably WOULD have said if you had a pair.
big fan of sean, huge fan
Please stop.
I went to HBS, too: “Hildago Barber School”
“This “Muffie” character appears to be largely fictional.”
That’s absurd.
chat with her yerself. she tends to stay logged in all during the workday. personally, I think she’s hysterical.
“That’s absurd”
Of course it is…wherever would I come up with such an idea? Silly me.
This has nothing to do with Wall Street.
Muffie is the only thing on Wall Street that really matters … go on … ask her …
Muffie. Call me.
where’s bess???
i want the muffiehbs05, ohbabyitsbess convos back.
ohbabyitsbess just signed online…
the voyeurism of the DB readership is charming, but it would be more time efficient for these people just to check out a good webcam porn site.
So Muffie is a self-styled Hannibal Lecter. I like it. Although methinks her pulse does get above 85 occasionally.
Chris G has the logical and phrenology skills of a Yalie.
“Chris G has the logical and phrenology skills of a Yalie.”
Public school baby.
That conversation does not look doctored in the least (too many spelling errors by Sean – unless it was Carney playing the part). Anyways, I’m sure you made this kid’s day. Also I think by “private equity” group he meant “financial sponsors.”
“Dipsticks”? “Tools”? Geez, this Muffie (fictional) character sounds like a real all-American bitch. At least, I hope she’s fictional. This is pathetic, and only dumbass pikers would take her/him/it seriously. Let’s move on.
I know this comment is going to be the equivalent of saying “shhh” really loud in a library, but if people stop posting she (and these IM ramblings) will go away. Can we get back to..mmm…finance perhaps?
Given the propensity for punishment that most IB analysts exhibit the idea of Mistress Muffie must seem like quite the thrill to them.
“8:08:00 PM muffiehbs05: No, no, no. You were doing fine, you’d been courteous and receptive to courtesy…”
Awesome. I’m having an old friend for dinner.
“8:08:00 PM muffiehbs05: No, no, no. You were doing fine, you’d been courteous and receptive to courtesy…”
Awesome. I’m having an old friend for dinner.
totally fake. why would they give everyone they’re screen names? to be bothered by a bunch of clowns that read dealbreaker too much. nice try “muffie”
those are def their screen names…try IMing muffiehbs05 and ohbabyitsbess and see
anyone can make a screen name buddy. i’m saying that “muffie” isn’t who she says she is? unless anyone can confirm they know her. chances are she’ll just post as anonymous or as another fake name and claim she’s real.
Do a simple Google search on the name and you won’t get HBS or the typical references that such a great “paper champion” would evoke (high school awards, college recognition, etc). All you get are references to an alias. That about clinches it for me.
“chances are she’ll just post as anonymous or as another fake name and claim she’s real.”
That’s absurd.
thank you Mr. Chris G.
doesn’t take a couple of losers from HBS to figure these broads out.
i can vouch for the fac that bess levin is a real person, as is ohbabyitsbess
and prob the same goes for muffie and muffiehbs05
Chris’s story checks out. “Muffie” is some stupid fictional creation from the imagination of Elizabeth Spiers. There was an article in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/08/business/08online.html?ex=1178942400&en=bd9f4e5a2115cada&ei=5070) that explicitly spells it out: “Some of the most popular posts, in terms of reader comments, are written by “Muffie Benson-Perella,” an obnoxious, deliciously fictional columnist…”
This is totally demented. Not only did I (we) waste time reading this crap (which incidentally has absolutely nothing to do with Wall Street), it also turns out that the author is a fictional character (probably Bess Levin).
Fuck you Dealbreaker. I’m taking my marbles and going home.
CUE!
muffie is not written by bess levin, that i promise you.
Anonymous 1:58, frankly I couldn’t care less who “muffie” is. I’m just amazed that Spiers thinks that THIS Dana Vachon inspired crap about a fictional pretentious HBS bitch is what your average finance type wants to read at work.
Anon@2:02,
Actually the amount of comments indicate that Spiers is right on target. Mind you, I’d rather read actual news with witty commentary, but apparently that’s not the consensus. Anyway – this isn’t a newspaper so just because Bess & Muffie get a couple posts doesn’t mean there’s necessarily less news put up by Keith & John. If you don’t want to read it, just don’t and quit bitching.
You idiots. It says right at the top of every post she writes that it’s fiction.
Anon@2:02,
Actually the amount of comments indicate that Spiers is right on target. Mind you, I’d rather read actual news with witty commentary, but apparently that’s not the consensus. Anyway – this isn’t a paper newspaper so just because Bess & Muffie get a couple posts doesn’t mean there’s less space for news by Keith & John. If you don’t want to read it, just don’t click the link and quit bitching.
First of all, we don’t edit chat logs, except to hide the identity of the victim dealbreaker reader. We can’t help it if they sound vapid. We shoot from the hip and those trying to hit on us shoot, well, usually blanks.
Yes, of course I have (slightly) modified my name to avoid being fired from my prestigious investment banking position. Daddy would be really really upset if I let down his business associates.
I understand that not everyone has the depth to appreciate my scintillating insight and rapier-like wit. That’s ok. I would rather sell to the rich and live among the rich than sell to the poor… or whatever you know how it goes.
It is ok with me if “Heard in the Suite” is a little more highbrow and doesn’t appeal to everyone. That’s what the super-luxury slot is all about.
We do not delete comments. Or at least, I don’t. Maybe you were too drab for even Carney to tolerate.
It is TOTALLY TOTALLY absurd to suggest that I color my hair. I’m considering legal action for defamation at this suggestion. You will hear from my father’s attorney.
Date a marine? Well, I will have you know that there are several former members of the armed services who work at my prestigious investment bank. Their leadership abilities are highly valued. (As is the fact that they tend to be cut out of wood!) True, I haven’t dated any, but they are so into work it’s hard to get their attention.
Yes, we occasionally deign to chat with our readers on AIM (but reserve the right to post the results- redacted, of course, to keep them from getting the ax or being subject to ridicule by their colleagues. Of course, sometimes they don’t come off so well. That’s not our fault. We just post the results. Okok, sometimes we add a pair of adjectives or something, but we are only human. It’s at least 99.5% accurate, minus the redacting. What’s the harm in a little creative license?) We get bored at work, so crucify us. But, hey, there’s someone bored at work on the other end of the chat line too, you know!
Muffie: AIM muffiehbs05
Bess: AIM ohbabyitsbess
Are we sure JC and BL aren’t fictional creations too? I mean, given the number of spelling/grammatical errors perpetrated by the former, and the painfully forced attempts at wit and humour by the latter, one has to wonder sometimes.
First of all, we don’t edit chat logs, except to hide the identity of the victim dealbreaker reader. We can’t help it if they sound vapid. We shoot from the hip and those trying to hit on us shoot, well, usually blanks.
Yes, of course I have (slightly) modified my name to avoid being fired from my prestigious investment banking position. Daddy would be really really upset if I let down his business associates.
I understand that not everyone has the depth to appreciate my scintillating insight and rapier-like wit. That’s ok. I would rather sell to the rich and live among the rich than sell to the poor… or whatever you know how it goes.
It is ok with me if “Heard in the Suite” is a little more highbrow and doesn’t appeal to everyone. That’s what the super-luxury slot is all about.
We do not delete comments. Or at least, I don’t. Maybe you were too drab for even Carney to tolerate.
It is TOTALLY TOTALLY absurd to suggest that I color my hair. I’m considering legal action for defamation at this suggestion. You will hear from my father’s attorney.
Date a marine? Well, I will have you know that there are several former members of the armed services who work at my prestigious investment bank. Their leadership abilities are highly valued. (As is the fact that they tend to be cut out of wood!) True, I haven’t dated any, but they are so into work it’s hard to get their attention.
Yes, we occasionally deign to chat with our readers on AIM (but reserve the right to post the results). We get bored at work, so crucify us. But, hey, there’s someone bored at work on the other end of the chat line, you know!
Muffie: AIM muffiehbs05
Bess: AIM ohbabyitsbess
BSD, I’m not going to argue with you. But are you going be retracting your 11:29 comment: “That conversation does not look doctored in the least (too many spelling errors by Sean – unless it was Carney playing the part).” Now that we know that this whole thing is an elaborate hoax? Hmm? I thought traders/hedgies are supposed to naturally skeptical?
BSD, I’m not going to argue with you. But are you going be retracting your 11:29 comment: “That conversation does not look doctored in the least (too many spelling errors by Sean – unless it was Carney playing the part).” Now that we know that this whole thing is an elaborate hoax? Hmm? I thought traders/hedgies are supposed to naturally skeptical?
Anon@2:41,
In the 11:29 comment I was merely saying that the Sean guy from CS was a real person talking to whoever was driving the muffiehbs05 screenname on AIM.
“i can vouch for the fac that bess levin is a real person, as is ohbabyitsbess”
“and prob the same goes for muffie and muffiehbs05”
They are “real people”, I chatted them myself….
Ohbabyitsbess tried to show how smart s/he was by asking me “How many basketballs could I make with a cow?” I guess I didn’t get the job, did I?
Ohbabyitsbess also – predictably – tried to get me to engage in some sort of sexual conversation regarding Muffie flexibility and yoga. Sorry girls (guys) – whomever it is that’s in Muffie’s picture looks kindof obnoxious (I also can’t tell if she’s a brunette or a blonde, or a brunette who tries to color her own hair…either way the result is ghastly).
Lastly, in response to the statement “I would imagine that if you knew a lot of people in the business you’d have no interest in dating them”, Ms. Muffie stated “I’m attracted to confident successful men in highly prestigious positions.”
I suggested she date a Marine…but I have a pretty good idea what she’s looking for.
Ms. Muffie was honest when she stated “We like to poke fun at our readers, not get them fired.”
I will accept responsibility for actually wasting my own time on this instead of doing something more productive…Sorry world.
P.S. These original comments were removed shortly after they were posted. I guess you can only reference chats on DealBreaker which make it’s readers look bad. Good thing I saved the original!
I’m fairly positive that there’s an error with the DB comment system. I blame a faulty SQL database, may want to check that quickly just in case it’s a virus.
“Chris. G spent way too much time making up those conversations w/ Muffie and Bess.”
Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man…
Anyways I retract my implicit accusation that my comments were yanked intentionally…I tried to post them through an RSS aggregator, looks like a no-no.
Chris. G spent way too much time making up those conversations w/ Muffie and Bess.
“It is TOTALLY TOTALLY absurd to suggest that I color my hair. I’m considering legal action for defamation at this suggestion. You will hear from my father’s attorney.”
In order to successfully prosecute a defamation case there are probably a few basic requirements that need to be satisfied.
1.)The defaming statement(s) need to be false. In this case, if you truly don’t color your hair, you should consider it.
2.)A general knowledge on the part of the accused that the statement(s) are false/ I could swear on your baby’s daddy that you color your hair at home. If you were born with that hair, consider the circus.
I’m not a lawyer (I asked a couple what their thoughts were), but wouldn’t it just be quicker for you to visit a quality hairstylist?
If you want to read something fictional that is at least a little entertaining, try leveragedsellout.com
Call me crazy – but this girl is logged on at work? How exactly does that work? What IB with multitudes of confidential info floating around would allow an untracable program such as AIM to be installed on their PCs and utilized so freely??? I know its blocked at my bank.
It is true, you can’t access chat sites like AIM or check your personal email like yahoo email or hotmail. There is a program at banks where you can sign onto your AIM, but it will be watched. If she works at a bulge bracket bank then it will either have this program or not allowed entirely. Who wants their personal chats read by some IT guys?
I think I read that the program won’t allow IB and research people access to the chat program.
Every single thing you do on the internet is being watched b/c of SEC and FCC regulations.