Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.
The time has come to have a serious discussion about workplace privacy. I have been shocked recently to learn that employees generally have no expectation of privacy in their workplace in the United States. Their telephone calls, conversations, personal liaisons and internet chat conversations can be monitored with impunity by corrupt, draconian (and creepy) superiors without due process, a warrant, or any kind of judicial review.
Given the kind of intimate things that often go on in the office, I think it is time to recognize that this is one of the most concerning issues of our time. I just happen to know some people personally, three friends of mine, who have been personally impacted by this issue just in the last 48 hours. Their personal, private conversation about important subjects was captured by an employer, and then maliciously reposted all over the internet for everyone to see.
Really, if some people want to know so badly about the personal lives of some other people or what they were doing last night or who they were doing it with or where and with how many other people, they should just ask rather than abuse their power to steal secret conversations and publish them.
Imagine their surprise when my father's lawyer told them that they had basically "no recourse" against their employer for invasion of privacy.
One of them was very upset and is strongly considering resigning her important executive position. You can see yourself from our chat how upset she was (after the jump).
(I have changed her name because she doesn't know I am posting this).
10:53:01 AM ohwowitsbeth: muffie.
10:53:09 AM muffiehbs05: Hey Bethy!
10:53:56 AM muffiehbs05: I just woke up!!
10:54:08 AM ohwowitsbeth: i envy you
10:54:13 AM ohwowitsbeth: i have to wake up at 8.30
10:54:20 AM ohwowitsbeth: hung over or not
10:54:22 AM ohwowitsbeth: anyway
10:54:24 AM ohwowitsbeth: um
10:54:27 AM ohwowitsbeth: here's a question
10:54:30 AM muffiehbs05: Shoot!
10:54:40 AM ohwowitsbeth: did you see carney's post from last night
10:54:43 AM ohwowitsbeth: on dealbreaker
10:54:45 AM muffiehbs05: I was supposed to get up but... I called in sick.
10:54:53 AM muffiehbs05: No, I just woke up. Let me look.
10:55:01 AM ohwowitsbeth: please do
10:55:22 AM muffiehbs05: WHAT THE HELL? You GAVE HIM OUR CHAT?
10:55:26 AM ohwowitsbeth: NO
10:55:28 AM ohwowitsbeth: jesus
10:55:42 AM ohwowitsbeth: you think i would do that?
10:55:51 AM ohwowitsbeth: he's always asking leering questions about ep
10:56:00 AM ohwowitsbeth: "is she a natural blonde"
10:56:02 AM muffiehbs05: What the hell is this?
10:56:04 AM ohwowitsbeth: "is she a natural D"
10:56:12 AM muffiehbs05: ep a natural D?
10:56:16 AM ohwowitsbeth: hah
10:56:16 AM ohwowitsbeth: i know
10:56:18 AM ohwowitsbeth: anyway
10:56:19 AM ohwowitsbeth: carney
10:56:21 AM muffiehbs05: Carney is lost. She's barely a B.
10:56:27 AM ohwowitsbeth: i guess he fucking went on my computer
10:56:36 AM ohwowitsbeth: (he sees things how he wants to see them)
10:56:44 AM ohwowitsbeth: and saw an open box
10:56:46 AM ohwowitsbeth: and couldn't help himself
10:56:55 AM muffiehbs05: He can't do that. He doesn't have a warrant or anything!
10:57:05 AM muffiehbs05: He posted the entire fucking thing! I am going to kill him.
10:57:07 AM ohwowitsbeth: i really can't believe he did this
10:57:10 AM ohwowitsbeth: yeah
10:57:32 AM ohwowitsbeth: first of all
10:57:37 AM ohwowitsbeth: that thing we offered him last saturday
10:57:41 AM ohwowitsbeth: IS OFF THE TABLE
10:57:43 AM muffiehbs05: Hold on, let me get out of bed.
10:57:58 AM muffiehbs05: You BET it is. I was really tipsy when we said that anyhow.
10:58:05 AM ohwowitsbeth: yeah
10:58:09 AM ohwowitsbeth: but we would've made good
10:58:13 AM ohwowitsbeth: we are women of our word
10:58:15 AM ohwowitsbeth: anyway
10:58:16 AM ohwowitsbeth: WTF
10:58:28 AM muffiehbs05: I'm calling my dad's attorney.
10:58:39 AM ohwowitsbeth: the jewish one? do you think ep's seen this
10:58:50 AM ohwowitsbeth: prob not, considering she doesn't read dealbreaker
10:58:52 AM ohwowitsbeth: but
10:58:57 AM muffiehbs05: Nono, I've seen him without his towel. He's definitely not jewish.
10:58:59 AM ohwowitsbeth: i could say the same thing about you! and not because i know you're episcopalian
10:58:59 AM muffiehbs05: She would have called. She reads DealBreaker, don't let her fool you. I doubt she does before noon though.
10:59:02 AM ohwowitsbeth: i think she still has a google alert set up for herself
10:59:03 AM ohwowitsbeth: yeah
10:59:15 AM ohwowitsbeth: and flipped out
10:59:22 AM muffiehbs05: He is out of the office.
10:59:35 AM muffiehbs05: Damn.
10:59:39 AM ohwowitsbeth: that's not unusual, it's a friday
10:59:39 AM ohwowitsbeth: oh
10:59:42 AM ohwowitsbeth: you meant the lawyer
10:59:44 AM muffiehbs05: Yeah.
11:00:04 AM ohwowitsbeth: i'm fuming
11:00:06 AM muffiehbs05: I am stunned. I can't believe he did that.
11:00:35 AM ohwowitsbeth: he always edits all the "bad" stuff i say about him, even though it's hilarious and the people have a right to know
11:00:39 AM ohwowitsbeth: this is a double standard!
11:00:42 AM muffiehbs05: He censors?
11:00:47 AM ohwowitsbeth: yeah he does
11:00:48 AM muffiehbs05: He never censors the stuff I write...
11:00:58 AM ohwowitsbeth: muffers
11:01:04 AM ohwowitsbeth: i won't get into it
11:01:06 AM ohwowitsbeth: but even though
11:01:12 AM ohwowitsbeth: you have no recollection of labor day weekend
11:01:14 AM ohwowitsbeth: i do
11:01:18 AM ohwowitsbeth: and i'm sure carnage does
11:01:19 AM muffiehbs05: Well, except the article about my little accident.
11:01:20 AM ohwowitsbeth: which is why
11:01:22 AM muffiehbs05: I was just saying that.
11:01:23 AM ohwowitsbeth: HE DOESN'T CENSOR YOU
11:01:29 AM ohwowitsbeth: yeah
11:01:31 AM ohwowitsbeth: lskdjflj
11:01:34 AM muffiehbs05: What are we going to do?
11:01:35 AM ohwowitsbeth: i'm all riled up
11:01:45 AM muffiehbs05: Let me call my dad's lawyer again.
11:02:25 AM muffiehbs05: I really drank too much.
11:02:54 AM muffiehbs05: I hate his damn secretary. She's so obstructive.
11:03:02 AM muffiehbs05: The word "emergency" is meaningless to her.
11:03:05 AM ohwowitsbeth: i was having vague flashbacks to the top bench in the steam room this morning on the way to work
11:03:12 AM ohwowitsbeth: i bet ep could catch us up
11:03:17 AM muffiehbs05: What about the top bench?
11:03:19 AM muffiehbs05: She's such a pride.
11:03:19 AM ohwowitsbeth: if she would leave her desk for one second
11:03:21 AM muffiehbs05: prude.
11:03:31 AM muffiehbs05: Did she leave early, or was that my imagination?
11:03:59 AM ohwowitsbeth: she left for like an hour
11:04:01 AM ohwowitsbeth: and came back
11:04:02 AM ohwowitsbeth: sketch
11:04:05 AM muffiehbs05: Then who was that other girl with the birthmark?
11:04:05 AM ohwowitsbeth: we'll have to get the details on that
11:04:13 AM ohwowitsbeth: on the back of her leg?
11:04:14 AM muffiehbs05: Do we even KNOW her?
11:04:17 AM ohwowitsbeth: ...
11:04:20 AM muffiehbs05: Yeah. You saw it too?
11:04:45 AM ohwowitsbeth: it's hard to not see something when it's up in your face like that
11:05:02 AM muffiehbs05: Oh my god, that was really too much.
11:05:22 AM ohwowitsbeth: haha
11:05:22 AM muffiehbs05: Did we go to someone's house after?
11:05:23 AM ohwowitsbeth: i know
11:05:43 AM muffiehbs05: Why do I remember a really annoying fluffy white cat?
11:06:05 AM ohwowitsbeth: mr. whiskerson!
11:06:11 AM ohwowitsbeth: i rememeber him too
11:06:15 AM muffiehbs05: Who the hell is Mr. Whiskerson?
11:06:55 AM muffiehbs05: And why were we in someone's house who owns a cat named Mr. Whiskerson?
11:07:36 AM ohwowitsbeth: the only reason i can guess is b/c of that thing w/ the person at the thing
11:07:44 AM muffiehbs05: In the place?
11:07:52 AM ohwowitsbeth: in the room
11:07:57 AM muffiehbs05: Ooooh.
11:07:59 AM ohwowitsbeth: yeah.
11:08:03 AM muffiehbs05: Bethy, what are you going to do?
11:10:41 AM ohwowitsbeth: i gues si have to go post something
11:10:50 AM muffiehbs05: You are going to go to WORK after this?
11:10:56 AM muffiehbs05: Come over here. I'll make sundays.
11:10:56 AM ohwowitsbeth: yes
11:10:59 AM ohwowitsbeth: hah
11:11:01 AM ohwowitsbeth: after work
11:11:03 AM ohwowitsbeth: i promise
11:11:07 AM ohwowitsbeth: and we'll do that fun thing
11:11:09 AM ohwowitsbeth: but listen
11:11:10 AM ohwowitsbeth: muffs
11:11:11 AM muffiehbs05: No Bethy, please? I get lonely when I stay home.
11:11:28 AM ohwowitsbeth: fine, i'll do a few posts and then i'll come over and work from your place
11:11:29 AM ohwowitsbeth: ok?
11:11:33 AM muffiehbs05: YAY!
11:11:35 AM ohwowitsbeth: ok
11:11:37 AM ohwowitsbeth: now listen
11:11:44 AM ohwowitsbeth: call your dad's lawyer again
11:12:01 AM ohwowitsbeth: ok?
11:12:06 AM muffiehbs05: Ok ok.
11:13:24 AM muffiehbs05: We need to plot how to get Carney back so come over.
11:13:46 AM ohwowitsbeth: ok let me do this post on BP and then i'll be there
11:13:49 AM ohwowitsbeth: see you soon
11:13:53 AM muffiehbs05: Bye Bethy.
11:13:59 AM ohwowitsbeth: bye muffs
I think it is pretty clear what happened. I think it is also clear that the "boss" here may be looking at a sexual harassment suit.
The time has come for this country to recognize that, given the amount of time spent in the office, workspaces have become playspaces too. We join our colleagues in their offices before going out, we sometimes come back to the office with them after going out, we talk freely with our doctors, our families, our best friends and our therapists on office phones and we chat on instant messenger clients to friends around the world. This is why I am calling for legislation in the United States to protect worker privacy in the workplace. It should be illegal for any employer to keep any kind of records, logs, recordings, or do any kind of monitoring of worker communication of any kind.
It is time to be free from office gossips.
Posted by , May 04, 2007 12:32PM
"workspaces have become playspaces too." i hear that!
Posted by anon2 , May 04, 2007 12:37PM
playspaces? muffie, will you come over and play? :)
Posted by , May 04, 2007 12:38PM
video of these girls in their playspace???
Posted by , May 04, 2007 12:43PM
yes come to anon2's house. his address is XXXX XXXXXXX street. you can't miss it it's the XXXX one on the hill.
Posted by Zbignew , May 04, 2007 12:48PM
YAY! Muffie is back!
Now someone needs to sober Brock Fantasia up and we can have a reunion!
Posted by , May 04, 2007 12:49PM
no brock. let's keep this a ladies only locker room. MUFFIE-BL-EP? That's a trifecta I'll get behind.
Posted by , May 04, 2007 12:52PM
so how did muffie post a comment on the original post @ 10.02am if she didn't wake up until 10.53am?
Posted by BSD , May 04, 2007 12:53PM
If any of you gals (with the exception of ep) say you're not enjoying the mini-celebrity status that DB gives you I call BS. Not saying you're media whores like Tim Sykes, but unlike Sykes people actually like you and want to hear about your crazy spa sexcapades. Enjoy the fame, Bess.
You know, that is unless you want to move from writing about finance to working in it at some point - then such publicity can be fatal (ala Anthony from Bear), but then again being an attractive girl such infamy can also be reason enough for the right MD/PM to hire you on the spot.
Posted by Muffie Benson-Perella , May 04, 2007 12:56PM
"so how did muffie post a comment on the original post @ 10.02am if she didn't wake up until 10.53am?
Posted by: Anonymous | May 4, 2007 12:52 PM"
I see they didn't bother to teach someone about TimeZones in state college.
For your information, I had an important business trip to Chicago and my admin didn't change my PC. She is so fired.
Posted by , May 04, 2007 12:57PM
Anon 12:52 - she went to HBS, that means she is way ahead of the curve
Posted by , May 04, 2007 1:02PM
don't ever compare these girls to tim sykes, EVER. they're just doing their jobs and it's not okay for jc to interfere. he should've just asked if he wanted to come with!
Posted by huge fan , May 04, 2007 1:07PM
i am a huge fun of this friendship.
Posted by BSD , May 04, 2007 1:16PM
Anon@1:02,
Actually I was saying they're nothing like Sykes (not unattractive, not unsuccessful, not sketchy, not media whores). That being said I do apologize if I offended anyone's sensibilities.
So far as JC having the right - I think Muffie already establish that technically he did. Also since the three girls are as I said mini-celebs (mini-ballerettes?) and DB is a "wall st. tabloid" it's not only JC's right - but his very duty to post juicy conversations (although he really could've trimmed up that first post).
Posted by i blame bess, ep, an dmuffie , May 04, 2007 1:21PM
i am refreshing dealbreaker every 30 seconds...it's a sickness and i need help.
Posted by , May 04, 2007 1:35PM
is there a reason dealbook hasn't linked to this yet?
Posted by , May 04, 2007 1:36PM
is there a reason dealbook hasn't linked to this yet?
Posted by Blake , May 04, 2007 1:37PM
Readership must be on the decline. Entertaining none the less.
Posted by SorkinScoop , May 04, 2007 1:38PM
Because Andrew Ross Sorkin was out with the girls last night, obviously.
Posted by hatessorkin , May 04, 2007 1:42PM
think he was the one with the birthmark?
Posted by , May 04, 2007 1:44PM
andrew ross sorkin's body is beautiful and birthmark free.
Posted by just a question , May 04, 2007 1:46PM
enough about the creator of the west wing! (unless he has scoop about the girls)...what are muffie and bess up to this afternoon? and can equity private take off early and join?
Posted by mini ballerette. , May 04, 2007 2:11PM
i feel slighted...
i've never seen my dad's lawyer naked
Posted by let's volley , May 04, 2007 2:24PM
sorkin should weigh in w/ his response, if not about last night (b/c maybe he wasn't there), but how he feels about being turned into a sex symbol. he might be offended and/or feel objectified. then the girls can respond as they see fit. dealbook: ball's in your court.
Posted by , May 04, 2007 2:56PM
these girls are the cat's pajamas. no-- the dog's tuxedo.
Posted by , May 04, 2007 3:24PM
no one on my desk at goldman has gotten anything done today-- thanks girls.
Posted by AJ , May 04, 2007 3:41PM
Seriously, I see Muffie's picture and I can't focus on work the rest of the day.
Posted by Bulging Bracket , May 04, 2007 4:30PM
With Muffie diving back into play, there's at least 3 threads with 15+ comments today. Way to drive the traffic.
Are we going to get photos/stats of girl with the birthmark? And is this traffic spike just cause it's Friday and we're hung over, or an actual spike in interest?
Posted by , May 04, 2007 4:33PM
spike in interest and a spike somewhere else!!!
Posted by anonymous , May 04, 2007 5:16PM
As fas as hotness goes, that chick in the pic is hot, I concede, but she doesn't even come close to the hotties in the circles I move in. Plus, attending a Seven Sisters college and HBS count AGAINST a girl. No one wants an over-educated chick.
Posted by Muffie Benson-Perella , May 04, 2007 5:18PM
"Plus, attending a Seven Sisters college and HBS count AGAINST a girl. No one wants an over-educated chick."
That's absurd.
Posted by Man , May 04, 2007 5:21PM
I don't really think this Muffie girl truly exists. I say this because she's wearing her resume and pedigree on her sleeve so blatantly that she has to be a fabrication of these peoples' imagination. No one from ne prep school or harvard...etc truly speaks so blatantly and classlessly about the hclub or father's lawyer...etc. It's people not from that world who're trying to portray someone from it that would write like this. So, as American to some extent and Wall Street to a greater extent is obsessed with the new england lifestyle (as in Wall Streeters now have the money but lack the pedigree), this is a way for the dealbreaker guys to create a persona for people to read...etc. Or maybe I'm just falsely optimistic about the true class and lack of pretense of the kids i went to school with.
Posted by Yep , May 04, 2007 5:27PM
Give 'Man' a prize! From NYT April 2006:
Wall Street may be hungry for such material — at least the busy comments sections seems to indicate that. Some of the most popular posts, in terms of reader comments, are written by "Muffie Benson-Perella," an obnoxious, deliciously fictional columnist who wields her credentials and whose name and bio manage to make fun of about half a dozen people and institutions in fewer than 70 words.
The joke is lost for some, while others play along. Sometimes it is hard to tell which is which. When Ms. Benson-Perella proposed a merger of Apple and Disney, one reader wrote, "you were cute for a while but this is annoyingly stupid."
Posted by Miles Cholmondely-Warner , May 04, 2007 5:27PM
Over-education of women leads to ugliness, premature aging, and beard growth.
Posted by , May 04, 2007 5:31PM
AMHERST IS NOT A SEVEN SISTER SCHOOL DUMB ASSES!
Posted by , May 04, 2007 5:34PM
I will get in Bess and Muffie Sandwich ANY DAY
Posted by muff buff , May 04, 2007 5:40PM
just a heads up. the writer who is behind Muffie is actually an HBS grad. and she's quite cool.
personally, I think she parodies them with perfection. a little more "oomph" than might be obvious when you first meet that scrub who tells you he went to school in "cambridge, mass" but by the second hour of conversation with them you know Muffie has hit the nail on the head and spared 110 minutes of your life.
Harvard people spend a lot of time with other Harvard people talking about Harvard people. that's why I avoid the reunions.
Posted by GET A FUCKING CLUE , May 04, 2007 5:40PM
7 sister schools are colleges that are either currently, or have been in the past, all-female. they are: Barnard College, Bryn Mawr College, Mount Holyoke College, Radcliffe College, Smith College, Wellesley College, and Vassar College.
Amherst is not currently, nor was is ever, all female. in fact, rocket scientists, it was all male until 1975.
Posted by PinstripePikey , May 04, 2007 5:58PM
I'm going to second (third?) that argument that at least one of these ladies don't exist. Dealbreaker's already admitted that ~90% of their readership is male and chained to excel for 19 hours a day. What could be more appealing to that demographic than the three girls we read daily (well, if Muffie were to post that often, we would!) sharing a hot tub? Plus, Carney throws enough doubt into the mix that EP's cup size is left entirely to the preference of the reader. I believe that Ms Spears is but playing to her readership.
Having said that, I'm begging to be refuted! Over-educated women are a gift rather than a curse.
Posted by Equity Private , May 04, 2007 6:02PM
I'm a B cup.
Posted by anon , May 04, 2007 6:31PM
Hey, fuckwits, VASSAR is a 7 Sister school.
Posted by Bulging Bracket , May 04, 2007 7:11PM
Please, if you don't know WTF you're talking about, don't highlight your ignorance. I heard that it was kind of important to keep track of executive movement in companies that you track or are pitching, so maybe PP should do a few news searches to start off. I do have to thank you for putting a name to your inane comment, so I know who to ignore, rather than just another anon.
Carney, Bess, et al. thanks for bringing back the Muffster and dragging EP into the gutter with you. Classic and even better than Muff's initial dives into blogging.
Posted by , May 04, 2007 10:53PM
this is dumb
Posted by , May 05, 2007 4:25AM
this is awesome
Posted by PinstripePikey , May 05, 2007 6:17PM
Thanks, Bracket.
I do clearly have no idea wtf I'm talking about. It's called conjecture. Currently I'm conjecturing that your 19 hours a day of excel are leading you to confuse what's plausible, that the three girl's you have 'contact' with on a daily basis have shared a hot tub, with the probable, that is, Carney and Spiers* are trying to up their readership by playing to the majority of their readership's fantasies.
Other conjectures I've made**:
EP knows wtf she's talking about.
Muffie is Elisabeth Spiers
Bess would look better than Natalie Portman in a bunnie suit.
*I believe I misspelt it last post.
**May or may not be utter balls.
Posted by , May 06, 2007 3:03AM
Spiers has been gone for almost 3 weeks, jackass. A for effort, though.
Posted by Anon , May 06, 2007 11:25AM
What happened to Spiers?
Posted by , May 06, 2007 4:24PM
rumor has it she got canned for letting Carney get his ass sued.
http://gawker.com/news/elizabeth-spiers/new-media-blowup-elizabeth-spiers-solo-again-253806.php
Posted by anon , May 07, 2007 11:30AM
Muffie was the name I gave to my then boyfriend's penis