Finally, the financial journalism community (yes, it’s a community) offers us something more than meaningless commentary. David Weidner, who we love, gets service-y today over at MarketWatch with a nifty how-to guide, re: insider trading. We’ll get right down to it:

Things that work:

+ Be within earshot of the mergers and acquisitions department at your local Wall Street bank

+ Keep it simple; it’s when you start to get too intricate and show-off-y that people get suspicious

+ When emailing conspirators about the insider trading you’re doing together, speak in code, but not in tongue. Say things like "Let the fun begin,” and not “ǂʼaama nǃei zhu”

+ Stay modest: pull a fast one on the Securities and Exchange Commission 10, maybe 20 times. 9 times is too few (we’re in this to make money, not friends), 25 is too many.

Things that don’t work:

+ Allowing your trade calls to be recorded on your employer's log.

+ Doing it with your wife

+ Recruiting conspirators at Turkish bathhouses

+ Laying out plans in Grand Central Terminal

The insider's path to beating the market [MarketWatch]