Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.
Dear Muffie:
I am considering going to law school in order to be a "deal lawyer" but I am worried because I hear there is a lot of discussion of "cause and effect" in law school. These are concepts that are foreign to me. Can you help with a female perspective on "cause and effect" and how it impacts the banking profession?
Betsy "Boom-Boom" Baylor
Dear Boom-Boom:
The best way for me to teach you is by example, so I am including some real-life cause and effect examples from investment banks that involve a legal element.
Example #1: Email from work account
Cause:
-----Original Message-----
From: associate@prestigiousbank.com
Sent: May 20, 2007 4:35 PM
To: associate2@prestigiousbank.com
Subject: test
hey - iwas wondering if you knew anything that could help me pass a saliva/mouth swab test? i think I'm pretty screwed.
Effect:
From: dirhr@prestigiousbank.com (Director of Human Resources)
Sent: May 20, 2007 7:36 PM
Required: Associate; Cindy Reardon (Vice President, Human Resources); Robert Moss (Office of the General Counsel); Richard Fossbath (Managing Director, Investment Banking Division)
When: May 21, 2007 8:00 AM-8:30 AM
Location: Conference Room A, Human Resources, 35th Floor
Accept | Tentative | Decline | Calendar...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Example #2: AIM conversation from work wireless
Cause:
12:50:43 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: Hi beth!
12:50:51 PM ohheyitsbeth: hello
12:50:57 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: Hey, what are you wearing?
12:51:12 PM ohheyitsbeth: may i ask who i'm speaking to
12:51:23 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: Sure, if you tell me what you're wearing.
12:52:08 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: Are you wearing ripped jeans?
12:52:49 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: If not, I'll rip them for ya!
12:53:04 PM ohheyitsbeth: hah
12:53:07 PM ohheyitsbeth: uh
12:54:11 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: That's hot, by the way. I'm in the bathroom, and I'm hard.
12:54:24 PM ohheyitsbeth: where do you work
12:54:36 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: Prestigious Investment Bank, duh.
12:54:44 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: Wanna cyber?
12:54:58 PM ohheyitsbeth: you are in the bathroom at PIB? my IM's are monitored by carney
12:55:05 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: Yeah! So?
12:55:15 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: The IT guy here gets off on it!
12:55:16 PM ohheyitsbeth: so that would be uncomfortable
12:55:24 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: You bet it will, I'm HUGE!
12:57:31 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: Hello?
12:59:32 PM AllNgtLngBanker045: Hello?
Effect:
From: dirhr@prestigiousbank.com (Director of Human Resources)
Sent: June 3, 2007 7:36 PM
Required: Associate; Cindy Reardon (Vice President, Human Resources); Robert Moss (Office of the General Counsel); Richard Fossbath (Managing Director, Investment Banking Division); Craig Ballows (Information Technology)
When: June 4, 2007 8:00 AM-8:30 AM
Location: Conference Room A, Human Resources, 35th Floor
Accept | Tentative | Decline | Calendar...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Example #3: Conference Call
Cause:
-bew beep-
Announcer: "Now attending... Associate."
-bew beep-
Announcer: "Now attending... Associate 2."
Associate 2: "Hey, anyone on?"
Associate: "Hey man, it's Associate."
Associate 2: "Anyone else on?"
Associate: "Not yet I don't think."
Associate 2: "Man, what happened to you last night?"
Associate: "Oh fuck, after you left we went to Tina's with all that blow I had."
Associate 2: "No way! That chick is smoking too!"
Associate: "She was smoking it alright, trust me."
Associate 2: "What time did you get home?"
Associate: "Fuck that, we did blow all night. I haven't slept yet?"
Associate 2: "Aren't you supposed to be finishing the deck for Bob "The Castrator" Lindgom?"
Associate: "Lindgom? Are you kidding? His reputation is all bullshit. I've snuck half-assed work by that guy for months. He doesn't care at all. Seriously. He loves me. He couldn't find his own ass with GPS coordinates, but whatever, I'm almost done with this rotation anyhow which is so bonus because, have you seen his daughter? Todd met her in NA so you know she likes the blow. I got her number from Lindgom's datebook. I'm totally gonna tap that hot ass."
-beep bew-
Announcer: "Now departing... Bob Lindgom."
Effect:
From: dirhr@prestigiousbank.com (Director of Human Resources)
Sent: June 9, 2007 3:36 PM
Required: Associate; Cindy Reardon (Vice President, Human Resources); Robert Moss (Office of the General Counsel); Richard Fossbath (Managing Director, Investment Banking Division); Bob Lindgom (Managing Director, Investment Banking Division)
When: June 9, 2007 5:00 PM-5:30 PM
Location: Conference Room A, Human Resources, 35th Floor
Accept | Tentative | Decline | Calendar...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Posted by , Jun 22, 2007 2:23PM
hilarious
Posted by , Jun 22, 2007 2:25PM
beth, i can't believe you edited the part where we did cyber and then sent it to muffie.
Posted by JM , Jun 22, 2007 2:50PM
muffie, i adore you
Posted by , Jun 22, 2007 3:12PM
real/fake i don't care i love the woman behind this, whoever she is.
Posted by , Jun 22, 2007 3:18PM
or man
Posted by , Jun 22, 2007 3:54PM
good to have the old '06 era LSO back
Posted by Vijay , Jun 22, 2007 4:03PM
You made by day. Muffie rocks
Posted by jt , Jun 22, 2007 4:52PM
incredible, almost snarfed all over the keyboard/monitor reading this
Posted by Zbignew , Jun 22, 2007 4:59PM
Best post of the week.
Posted by , Jun 23, 2007 10:01AM
bankers hang out at NA? god scratch that place
noel needs to open a new spot
i think he is with his old pal from veruka
Posted by FRAT STUD , Jan 31, 2008 12:25AM
Guys at my high school caused effects all the time. It was no big deal.