Steve Schwarzman, Subprime Mortgages

Stephen Schwarzman, 5’6″

schwarzman.jpgNo one– no one— loves Blackstone Papa Bear Stephen Schwarzman like we do, so it was with great pleasure that we read the Journal profile today about our guy. There’s the usual stuff that everyone knows (worked at Lehman, bought Equity Office Properties, has no immunity to chicken pox, threw himself a big birthday party), but a few new, interesting things were revealed. For instance, Schwarzman:
Hates hot food, eating slowly and the knowledge of the market value of shellfish:

He expects lunches consisting of cold soup, a cold entrée such as lobster salad or fresh grilled tuna on salad, followed by dessert, Mr. Zeugin says. He eats the three-course meal within 15 minutes, the chef says. Mr. Zeugin says he often spends $3,000 for a weekend of food for Mr. Schwarzman and his wife, including stone crabs that cost $400, or $40 per claw. (Mr. Schwarzman says he had no idea how much the crabs cost.) Recently, Mr. Zeugin has been ill and is no longer working, although he is still on Mr. Schwarzman’s payroll.

Relishes in creating elaborate scenarios that no man, woman, dog or cat could perform, whether on the pitch, in the boardroom or in the bedroom.

Later, for intramural soccer games at Harvard Business School, he devised “elaborate triangular formations that were not flawed in conception but that nobody was capable of executing,” says Jeffrey Rosen, Mr. Schwarzman’s roommate and now a deputy chairman of investment bank Lazard Freres & Co.

Is Rain Man:

Mr. Schwarzman is exacting in his personal life too. Once, while sunning by the pool at his 11,000-square-foot home in Palm Beach, Fla., he complained to Jean-Pierre Zeugin, his executive chef and estate manager, that an employee wasn’t wearing the proper black shoes with his uniform, according to Mr. Zeugin, who says he has great admiration for his boss. Mr. Schwarzman explains that he found the squeak of the rubber soles distracting.

(This Schwarzman, he’s a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed. Let’s say it comes down to you and one other guy. He’s got a nice pair of shoes, and you’re squeaking all over the place. Who do you think he’s gonna hire?)

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84 Responses to “Stephen Schwarzman, 5’6″”

  1. Anonymous says:

    ss is the man

  2. anonymous says:

    Enough with the Schwarzman-worship already!! I bet if his surname were Smith or McCormick, you wouldn’t care less.

  3. Anonymous says:

    schwarzman’s actually not jewish, but nice try, anon 1:00.

  4. BSD says:

    You’re meshugeh ahf toit if you think SS isn’t one of us.

  5. ANON says:

    Why is that, BSD?

  6. You are missing the point. He is neither Jewish nor non-Jewish. He is short.

  7. anon says:

    He is Jewish.

  8. Anonymous says:

    who cares what book he reads, the guy is a fuck farm and we only worship him because he has been able to monetize his dickish ways.

  9. Henry says:

    I like Seinfeld as much as the next guy, but take it easy with the quotations!

  10. KLW says:

    Bess can’t help the Seinfeld. You might as well embrace it, there’s plenty more where that came from.

  11. whoosh whoosh whoosh says:

    as my grandfather used to say, Ein tzibbele zol vaksen auf fun pipek

  12. anon anon anon says:

    I always wanted to know that stuff. (Yes I did.)

  13. BSD is a dick says:

    Anon 1:37, don’t even worry about why BSD made this comment. Just know that BSD is the worlds biggest jerkoff, would fuck a pile of rocks if he thought there was a snake in it, and punches his clown to the boys underwear section of the JC Penny weekly sales flyer. BSD is an entry level customer service rep at some company far from Wall St., he fantasizes that he was actually a successful trader who makes more than the $25k a year he pulls down, and he spends his weekend nights on the wrong side of a glory hole doing his best impression of a cum dumpster.

  14. Anonymous says:


  15. eff bsd says:

    Sounds as though you don’t like BSD.

  16. BSD says:

    What a *ahem* coincidence that my biggest fan returns (once again) on the same day that there’s a new Tim Sykes post…

  17. anonymous says:

    BSD, at the end of the day, you have no fans. You’re an anus-tonguing piker who still can’t tell the difference between bid and ask.

  18. David says:

    Here’s another one for ya (don’t know if you covered this already): Stephen is a Skull and Bones man just like Monty Burns.

  19. de Cosmos says:

    SS is not a BSD. The SSD is so B it drags on the Fing ground.

  20. Roger says:

    Steve Schwarzman is the PIG-MAN

  21. john says:

    I worked for five years at blackstone and mr. schwarzman may have been picky and had his quirks but overall he was easy to deal with and basically down to earth. I have never felt a need to portray him in the leona helsmly light, so to speak, although anyone that rich who wants more, well i don’t get it. I would want to leave a different legacy.

  22. guest says:

    @2 – a non-jew likely wouldn’t have stupid quirks like these.

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