Rumor Mill: No Hamptons For You

Posted by Bess Levin, Jul 05, 2007, 9:48am

johnivers.jpg[The following is an imagined conversation based on a real event. After the Times ran its exposé on men in their 40s who don’t let their 20-something girlfriends come out to the Hamptons for the weekend, John Ivers, 42, got himself and the 19 people with whom he went in on a sweet 4-bedroom summer share in the Hamptons kicked out of their house*].

Ivers: Brosef, it’s Ivers.
Guy Ivers went to college with 85 years ago, ATO brother: Who is this?
Ivers: Ivers, man, Ivers! 2 minutes, 30 seconds ATO record setting keg stander-Ivers!
Guy: …Jeff…?
Ivers: John, brah, John!
Guy: Right. Hey man. Been a while. How are you?
Ivers: Not good, brah, not good at all.
Guy: What’s the trouble?
Ivers: The Times did a story on me being, more or less, AWESOME, you know, ‘cause I told that girl I’m dating she can’t come to the Hamptons because it cramps my style vis-à-vis nailing other chicks, etc, and Summer Share Ivers doesn’t do girlfriends, whatever, and the owners of the house I guess saw the article and were PO’d cause it’s not supposed to be a shared house and to make a long story short I have no place to stay for the rest of the summer and to, more importantly, hang my paddle…you know what I’m talking about.
Guy: Yeah, can you actually hang on a sec?
Ivers: Okay.
Guy: Sorry, kids.
Ivers: Kids? You gotta watch that shit, man, if they’re under 18 it gets risk-ay.
Guy: Actually I meant my children. I have 2 of them, 5 and 7.
Ivers: You dog!
Guy: Right.
Ivers: So brohamster, what I need is for your to tell me where you beach house is and when I can make a copy of the keys.
Guy: Yeah, actually I can’t do that, I just go there with my family, and my wife would probably have a problem.
Ivers: Brohamster, we’re bros! We’re brothers! This is not cool man, NOT COOL!
Guy: Yeah, I gotta go, but good luck with the house Jeff.
Ivers: You’ve changed, broheim.

Earlier: DealBreaker PSA: You Could Learn A Lot From This Guy

*Which we were told by quasi-reputable sources over the holiday. Any of the homeless 20 want to comment? John? You know where to find us.

0Recommend this! 17Comments
Posted in: Check out the Baldwin brother in that first pic, Rumors, Summer, That's what I love about these high school girls, I keep getting older, they stay the same age., The Hamptons

Comments

Posted by karma, Jul 05, 2007 9:58AM

he got kicked out of the only thing he cared about= awesome

Posted by , Jul 05, 2007 10:11AM

fucking hilarious

Posted by anon, Jul 05, 2007 10:13AM

MARKETS ARE OPEN! THe vacation is over! What are you still doing at the beach?

Posted by Ivers, Jul 05, 2007 10:23AM

Brosefina Jolie, i can trade right off my iPhone. my life is like a corona commercial.

Posted by chris, Jul 05, 2007 10:45AM

schadenfreude, sweet schadenfreude.

Posted by Zbignew, Jul 05, 2007 10:57AM

If it wasn't for schadenfreude, I'd have no kind of freude at all.

Posted by jt, Jul 05, 2007 10:58AM

honestly as great as schadenfreude is, where the heck are you guys? As if today wasn't this ungodly boring as-is, to boot we get nothing from DB, boooooo!

Posted by it seems they're right here, Jul 05, 2007 11:00AM

funny, b/c you're posting a comment on a post from today

Posted by Matt, Jul 05, 2007 11:20AM

I'm an IB summer, and even I find these guys pathetic. More and more $10,000-millionaires in the Hamptons each year.

Posted by jt, Jul 05, 2007 11:25AM

ah my friend but the opening bell was backdated to 830ish, when i made my post all we had was fourth of july iphone porn and this, which in terms of frequency of posts is far below what we've come to expect from DB.

Posted by ato rules!, Jul 05, 2007 11:29AM

hey Bess, easy on the ATO smack-down... best days of my life.

Posted by , Jul 05, 2007 11:30AM

bess loves ATO

Posted by cynical in manhattan, Jul 05, 2007 12:57PM

Fucking hilarious! Too true. But something tells me Bess, Muffie, et al. would not turn down a date with guys like Ivers.

Posted by , Jul 05, 2007 12:58PM

wrong, cynical in manhattan.

Posted by LippyTex, Jul 05, 2007 1:38PM

The bro-lessor was probably worried that the bromeister and his bro-brahs were propbably having a few brew-hahas with the local jail brah-bait.

Posted by mike, Jul 05, 2007 2:54PM

brohamster

funny stuff

Posted by i love bess, Jul 06, 2007 12:52PM

excellent, brah.

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