We were getting a pedicure yesterday and were thus in closer proximity to a stack of horrible women’s magazines than we usually like to be. Since they’re all the same mindless trash, we randomly selected the Marie Claire with a hungry-looking Ashley Olsen cover girl off the top and set to work educating ourselves about “women who choose starter husbands,” whether or not “Botox ages you” and “Grandpa crushes.” (This is an actual quote: “Donald Sutherland is hot. And not in the ‘he’s a great actor’ way. In the ‘we’d like to strip the 72-year-old down to his sock garters and get crazy with him’ way. In fact, a poll taken at a recent mojito night revealed that every woman in our office has a grandpa crush, even the ones without major daddy issues.” Like a trip to Idiot Island, isn’t it?). Anyway, just as the pederist started massaging our legs, we came across “A Field Guide to Wall Street Women,” by Dana Vachon. Obviously, we had to continue.
Seems there are four types on women on the Street: the Social Commando, the Ivy Beleaguered, the Nuptualista, and the Big Swinging Chick.
The Social Commando, according to Monsieur Vachon, hails from Los Angeles, Houston or San Francisco, works in sales, wears DVF wrap dresses, counts the $50 mojito pitcher as her signature cocktail, and has a life expectancy on Wall Street of 2-3 years. Commando goes commando so as to mix things up around the office, disarms with “charm” (read: breasts), and sleeps with as many co-workers as time will allow. Vachon says that Commando has a Brazilian ex-boyfriend named Nacho, though all of the Commandos we’re familiar with have always had a penchant for a more Aryan breed of man. Agree to disagree. Commando doesn’t stress about getting reports in on time, because that’s not what she’s there for, she’s there to have fun, which might explain why she’s been to rehab three times. Commando is everything Penelope Trunk has always wanted you to be, except she doesn’t dress halfway between a man and a harlot, she just dresses like a harlot.
The Ivy Beleaguered worked at Lehman Brothers for five years before becoming a senior associate at KKR, has a Wall Street life expectancy of 20-30 years, eats at her desk, and “kissed an Indian businessman once at The Lemon bar in late 2004 but was soon called away to the office.” Penelope Trunk has a laundry list of things Ivy is doing wrong, the first two being “working too hard” and “not enough fucking on the job.” The one plus for Penelope is that Ivy’s years of hard work have caused her to be barren, so on the rare occasions when she shows up to Tequila Sunrise to catch herself a one-night stand, no one has to worry about protection.
The Nuptualista is in it for the money, but, unlike Ivy and BSC, her currency is diamonds and dudes. Correction: that one special dude who will slap a ring on her finger and come to the mutual agreement that he can have g-friends on the side so long as she never has to work again. Naturally, for the three to five years she is on Wall Street, the Nuptualista works in investor relations, wears Lilly Pulitzer, and mentally decorates the house in Darien (or is it Larchmont? Decisions!). She’s not barren, but will probably soon be frigid. (We’re not sure how Penelope feels about this. You?).
The Big Swinging Chick is the “managing director in charge of North American equity markets” at Goldman Sachs. She can apparently do calculus in her head, look hot, swill Sauternes, and emasculate her husband all before 8 am. Later in the day, she’ll be closing a $3 billion stock offering and firing a brash young trader named Hrian Bunter. How would she rank on the Penelope Meter? That depends—did she sleep her way to the top and take sexual harassment in stride?
so true….
when you say “We were getting a pedicure” do you mean “Carney and I were getting pedicures”?
ah yes, but what are the distributions of each on the street?
Not sure about the other 3 but I’d put the Nuptulista (or closet nuptualistas masquerading as other varities) at around 50%
Which one is Bess?
I read this yesterday while getting mani pedi also ! pretty true – everyone knows a few if not more, in each category….if you’re not one already. I once had a mentor (a guy who was #1 salesguy at big shop) advise me that in sales, I better be out at least 3~4 times a week entertaining clients. So I guess I fall into the first category.
Bess is clearly in this for the Mrs. Degree. I give her 1.5 years before she marries ubiquitous hedge fund guy “X”… or Tim Sykes if she gets desperate.
you think bess is getting married at fucking 23?
j,
How many times did you have to “entertain” your “mentor” to get that invaluable piece of advice?
It’s true, though. Now that we can’t take prospects out to strip clubs the only choice left is to hire the same dumb & down-ass hos (but with a B.A.) so they can go do dinner with the client and then take them out to a club. Worked even better after July’s crash – what senile pension PM cares about losing a million when there’s freshly plumped cleavage in your face and young tight ass on your groin.
Anonymous: (I’m assuming you’re Bess) You’re from some shitty town in NJ… when you finally wrangles a guy at a hedge fund… to quote Arrested Development, “You gotta lock that down”
i’m sure there are many hedgers to choose from in livingston, nj.
devid tepper lives in livingston, just one ex
Hes i’m sure there are, jersey is not a state devoid of financial institutions… its a joke. though NJ is still gross, no offense Bess.
bl = social commando: http://www.dealbreaker.com/2007/05/ten_reasons_why_i_love_bess_le_1.php
5:20… Nice, to quote the immortal Cosmo Kramer, “oh, mama”
Yet another stupid Sex and the City derivative.
When will you post your pic bess!! Guaranteed to get 1000+ comments, no matter how hot or fugly you turn out to be … You’ll totally blow out your comment quota ..
I love Social Commando’s shoes! Did they mention those in the article?
maybe thats what girls look like @ the LA ‘investment banks’…certainly at least the ivy beleaguered is def not the hottest broad in the conference room, not even after 5 hours stuck listening to the law guys negotiate the finer minutiae of credit agreements on a hungover friday
I’m ashamed to admit that I know that “Like a trip to Idiot Island” is a reference to one of the first episodes of Sex and the City.
anon – i love social commando’s shoes too! (Christian Louboutin) to answer BSD’s question, that piece of advice wasn’t solicited. If he were hotter then maybe I would’ve “entertained” it but we all have our limits.
this is disturbing
dana vachon is a prick. worse, he’s a bad writer.
sounds like vachon didn’t spend enough time in banking at the jpm tech group – Ivy Beleaguered is the closest he got to id’ing a woman who works on wall street, as an ib’er myself no one dresses like that, or acts as stupid (w/out getting fired in a matter of days) vachon should stick to writing candace bushnell-esque chick lit pieces
who is ‘the big swinging chick’??? what’s her name??
Amusing, although I would have to disagree…