Here’s JPMorgan’s latest brilliant propaganda video, which you can watch here. A walkthrough:
The video lets you know right from the start that “Elena is participating in JPMorgan’s Investment Bank 2007 Global Training Program.” You know Elena is still in training because she is still smiling. Elena is shown looking at slides, one of which has the heading “About our culture” and a subheading “PLAY” (and a disclaimer “may not be an actual slide”). Of course, that section of the training presentation is empty, and the video quickly moves on.
Some more text flashes on the screen – “Employees receive rigorous technical training and learn about JPMorgan’s culture,” as demonstrated by a still of a bunch of people taking out books from JPMorgan bags (the extreme biodiversity in the firm represented by the fact that one of them is bald), then a still of a blood orgy in the TMT group.
Elena complains that you learn about a bunch of different asset classes that have nothing to do with your future job, and that it’s difficult to get to know anyone because JPMorgan is always switching the seat assignments in the room.
Elena laments that it was also difficult to get to know anyone at the Outward Bound training offsite, because everyone had to climb these stupid ropes and row down a body of water with large blocks of wood.
Judging by what you just saw, JPMorgan admits that it has a shitty training program, but promises that by the time you sign up, it will be markedly better. That’s why the firm is proud to state that Vault voted JPMorgan the best training program out of all Investment & Commercial Banks for 2008. In the future, JPMorgan will be better. It swears.
Always one to top itself, JPMorgan saved the best for last. The last shot of the video is a black screen with an arrow pointing to the right and the phrase “This is where you need to be.” By “this,” JPMorgan either means “in total hopeless and all-encompassing darkness,” or, slightly to the right at UBS at 299 Park Ave.
Inside JPMorgan’s Global Training Program [Bankers Ball]
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Let the hating begin….
I’ll start by pointing out that she looks like a 30 yr old analyst…
Dear Keith:
We miss you. Come home soon.
JD
She looks like a 28 year old tranny.
wow, you guys are mean. sure, she’s not even remotely attractive, but she’s smart, and that’s what matters, right…
what an ugly bunch …. was the program taught in english?
why would you do business with these people
It’s unlikely that JPMorgan is pointing at UBS: check out the new UBS analyst resignation letter: http://news.hereisthecity.com/news/business_news/7079.cntns
Culture, at JP Morgan? You kidding me? You don’t merge with Chase/Chemical, etc., pull in Jamie Dimon, lose Keith Hahn and still have any claim to culture, unless a culture of mediocrity counts! I remember back when JPM had seperate dining rooms for officers and non-officers and a Wall Street address. even then, its claims to having a distinct culture and lineage running back to Mr. JP himself were becoming frayed. Eating a yogurt now, so I know something about culture. Today’s JPM has the same amount of culture as Wachovia.
I cannot believe the comments…she’s beautiful! you guys have a weird taste…
losers all of you hahahha