UBS Too Poor To Award Real Bonuses This Year

Posted by Bess Levin, Oct 30, 2007, 3:21pm

ubs.pngIf you’d told me yesterday that there were consequences for losing tons of money, I would’ve said, “Fuck you! Is this your idea of a sick joke?” But apparently? There are. According to DealBook, in one of its many efforts to cut costs following a not so good third quarter, that Swiss bank on Park will paying more of its bonuses in the form of UBS stock. Stock which, while it may be declining today, could possibly be worth something tomorrow, but could just as easily be worth even less, if employees fail to keep their eyes on the ball during the fourth quarter, which, historically, they’ve been known to do (not necessarily their faults: there are a lot of good Christmas specials on TV at this time. You'd lose focus, too).

As Bonuses Look Leaner, UBS Takes Stock [DealBook]

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Posted by Doom, Oct 30, 2007 3:30PM

they canceled their PB offiste for next week in NYC and have urged all client contact to be over the phone in order to prevent lunches, drinks and dinners.

The sins of the father.....

Posted by 1-2, Oct 30, 2007 3:30PM

F ME!! THE STOCK I OWN IS ALREADY DOWN 15%, AND NOT A CHANCE MY OPTIONS ARE GOING TO VEST IN THE MONEY...GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!

Posted by Doom, Oct 30, 2007 3:32PM

they canceled their PB offiste for next week in NYC and have urged all client contact to be over the phone in order to prevent lunches, drinks and dinners.

The sins of the father.....

Posted by Lee D, Oct 30, 2007 3:35PM

If Carney had written this update, he would have worked in some kind of parallel to the Sword of Damocles.

On the other hand, if Keith were still here he would have related it to an episode of Firefly.

Posted by , Oct 30, 2007 3:54PM

I say cut TP purchases in half! Save $ by wiping their ass on their shirt!

Posted by The "Overhead" Apologist, Oct 30, 2007 4:14PM

Here's what they should do. UBS employees should take clients to Walmart or Costco or another big box item/grocery chain on days when tasty "food samples" are being given out in store. That way, dining out expenses will be cut dramatically.

Take the client to the big box stores in back office staff's personal vehicles. That supports teamwork as the back office folk will eat the expenses.

Ask the secretaries to each bring one pencil and one note pad to work every week. Paper costs will dive!

MDs should bring along a client when the MD is invited to go golfing by a non-industry friend.

Call the out-of-town client during that client's lunch hour so that the client has to call you back. Saves on long distance.

Posted by just me, Oct 31, 2007 7:24AM

Perhaps UBS should sell their Stamford building and move to Bridgeport - it'll save money, lower housing costs, lower entertainment costs and bridgeport can use the jobs and associated corp spending. win-win-win.....

Posted by eurohedgy, Oct 31, 2007 10:25AM

....so I can expect fewer phone calls from my Swiss private banker then, as he tries to save cash.

Wonderful, since he constantly tries to flog me rubbish product anyway.

UBS has never knowingly been lavish on the client entertainment front anyway...so no change there.

Posted by LL Cool J, Dec 07, 2007 1:44PM

RE: Move to Bridgeport

And as the employees get caught in the cross fire of drug related drive by shootings they can save on termination costs.

Posted by Ben W., Dec 07, 2007 4:25PM

Could not of happened to a better bank. UBS was nothing more than a place to launder money. Just ask the Nazis or perhaps the dictators of the world, old & new. Looks like the chickens came home to roost. It would be nice to see UBS go belly up. No more plundering the assets of dead people or concentration camp victims.

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