$$$ Great idea for how to spend your bonus. [Telegraph]

$$$ Trying Times for Wall Street’s Top Women [DealBook]

$$$ TIM: $14,148 (up $84 on the day, up $1,733 or 14% on the month) [Tim Sykes]

$$$ Winners & Losers From the Week That Was [Deal Journal]

Pretty much everyone needs more credit analysts these days. New York Life Investment Management LLC, one of the largest managers of high yield and leveraged loans in the United States, wants to add a Credit Analyst to its Leveraged Loan team. Get on it!

We’ve now ventured into the dangerous territory of financial accounting three times in the past two days to raise the possibility that the deep discount on asset backed securities obtained by Citadel when it bought E*Trade’s portfolio may amount to a major mark to market event for Wall Street. We knew when we started discussing this that the banks and brokerages would not be eager to make further write-downs to their ABS books. But what we didn’t know was that so many of our readers would be eager to provide the rationalizations for avoiding the mark downs.

We’re told that the bulk of E*Trade’s credit portfolio consisted of prime residential first lien loans. According to one E*Trade document DealBreaker has obtained, E*Trade had assigned a book value of $1.4 billion to mortgages rated AA or higher, $590 million were rated A, and $285 million were Triple B. With the secondary market for mortgages largely opaque—to the extent it exists at all these days—we thought it was rather obvious that a large public transaction in these securities should at least cause accountants to take a second look at their supposedly marked-to-market portfolios.

The main objection to viewing this as a mark-to-market event seems to be that because Citadel bought more than just asset backed securities and because the securities they did buy were a heterogeneous lot, it’s difficult if not impossible to derive a market price for the individual securities. This strikes us as a daring dodge but we’re trying to keep an open mind about this. Please feel free to explain in the comments below why further discounts of ABS books are not called for.

I've used all the clips YouTube has to offer starring our favorite furry friend. Let's remember the good times, and use this as an opportunity to come up with random shit that I should start secretly sticking in carney's posts without his knowledge. And don't forget to watch.

Donald Trump's $2 billion proposal to build "the world's greatest golf course" in Scotland, the home of his ancestors, has been shot down. Councilor Martin Ford, who cast the deciding vote against the 15-mile construction of two 18-hole golf courses, 950 apartments, 500 homes and a 450-room luxury hotel, said the wildlife damage it would cost would be "too high a price to pay," though Trump claims that the area would "maintain its environmental integrity." In one of those rare moments that you couldn't say, "Wow, what an unjustifiably smug twat, he's clearly only gotten this far on his looks," Trump admitted that he was "surprised and disappointed." Thank god he had the good sense to add, "The appeal should go rather quickly and successfully...This is what I do all my life. In the end it works out because I do succeed." In other news, who knew Trump was Scottish? I certainly didn't. Seriously, some days I am too stupid to function. Other days, no joke, I'm a fucking genius.

Trump's In The Rough [NYP]

We noted our disappointment yesterday with the decision by the three British bankers—called The NatWest 3 by British tabloids—to plead guilty to one count each of wire fraud. The rubber hose and brass knuckles style of regulating business through the criminal justice system scored another undeserved victory, and unfortunately this will no doubt vindicate the zealous prosecution of Enron’s failure in the minds of many.

Houston attorneyTom Kirkendall, who writes the brilliant Houston’s Clear Thinkers blog, notes that the threat of long jail sentences and a jury pool that is virulently anti-Enron probably made the guilty plea inevitable. The defendants were facing years of jail in a foreign land—Texas!—and the convictions of Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling were not exactly re-assuring about the likely fairness of a trial.

“Given those choices, my sense is that the NatWest Three's choice was a rational and reasonable decision. It's simply not a choice that they should have been forced to make,” Kirkendall writes.

Somebody was guilty because they were guilty [Houston's Clear Thinkers]

Hi, it's Bess, Carney and I are tag teaming this post. Anyway, here's my comment: HAHAHA OMG OMG OMG OMG isn't the internet hilarious?!?!?! You are totally justified in clogging up your friends/colleagues/Dealbreaker's inboxes with this shit and the message "Scroll down, TOO FUNNY!!!" LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ.

We like laying blame and we like public humiliation. (Ed.'s Note: this is where I wanted to end the post but Carney said I had to go into greater detail.) If you can add in something about "pretentious know-it-all dicks," marry me? Hence, German finance minster Steinbrück's comment to the Financial Times that the "snooty" attitude of bankers and financiers who believed themselves to be "cleverer than the others" is to blame for the credit crisis is pretty much our own personal perfect storm. Steinbrück also said that while these incompetent managers were guiding us into the current global "disaster," they were also "mocking" and "deliberately misunderstanding" his proposal for increased transparency, which was genius and could've saved the planet. Pumping yourself up = cherry on top.

This is what we need more of. No more sidestepping the question of who's to blame when things go wrong (assuming in the first place that $8.1 billion writeoffs aren't right). No more blaming inanimate objects, or pretending to fall asleep when you should be flashing a picture on the screen of Jimmy Cayne meeting his dealer on Vanderbilt and the words "Is there a connection" with three or five questions marks and an exclamation point. Mack: Was the $3 billion writeoff Cruz's fault? Cruz, is Mack making you the fall girl in a desperate attempt to justify the free set of steak knives he gets every year from William Henry? Let it out, you two.

‘Snooty’ bankers blamed for crisis [Financial Times]

The completely predictable caterwauling over the proxy access decision by the SEC has already begun.
“The tensions over proxy access may tarnish Mr. Cox's image as a self-proclaimed investor advocate,” the Wall Street Journal’s Kara Scannell claims in an article the editors of the Journal headlined as “Cox Puts Legacy On The Line.”

We’ve said again and again that the so-called “proxy access” reforms were a bad idea. In the first place, this kind of corporate governance is best left to the states. What’s more, far from increasing the power of ordinary investors the move would have left them vulnerable to exploitation by special interests, especially union dominated pension funds.

I just saw a commercial for Wachovia. The financial institution's purported motto is, "We're absolutely obsessed with pleasing our customers." A. Someone's selling it too hard. B. Are you really "obsessed"? Or just showing a passing interest? I'm going to turn the TV off now. (Meaning I'm going switch over to my TiVo'd episodes of The Wonder Years that need tending to. Thank you, ION). Last thing, and then we're going to talk about Germany's finance minister-- am I the only one who's noticed that Rebecca Jarvis looks exactly like Erin Burnett, just slightly less Anglicanized, and with slightly more haunting eyes? Alright, I'll let myself out.

For a while there, it looked like CNBC was going to keep doing its thing as the "serious" business network, and not lower itself to Fox's, shall we say, looser format. "Skanks don't move markets," everyone* at Englewood Cliffs said during the first week of FB's debut. "Those hos won't last a month." How wrong was CNBC? Dead wrong. An informal poll of five traders shows that Fox Business is still in fact on the air, almost two months later. This unforeseen turn of events has everyone in NJ wetting themselves in fear (why do you think they're always behind a desk?) and scrabbling to tart it up in order to compete, with a more "ouch, what are you doing?" than pleasurable outcome. Take this morning, for example. A piece on Victoria's Secret, a Limited Brands company carried the headline "Vicky's Panty Raid," Erin Burnett half-heartedly making a joke about "Becky Quick's interesting Victoria's Secret story," and then a shot of Mark Haines eating a sandwich. It's just sad because they don't even know how to properly whore themselves out, and they're fumbling around and fucking it up and just looking awkward. It's like watching Dina Lohan trying to compete with Lindsay. Horribly depressing and giving me the worst case of secondhand embarrassment.

*Everyone, that is, but Kudlow, who insisted we give him credit for knowing that "Skanks *do* indeed move markets" from the beginning.

This is from the other day but, uh, perhaps there are one or two of you out there who don't regularly watch Fox Business's (fingers crossed) Emmy Award-winning "Happy Hour," produced at the Waldorf's Bull & Bear. I came across this segment while searching for a piece someone told me the show did yesterday on particle theory. But before I could find it, my eyes landed on this one, entitled, "Teenage NASCAR." Who among us would be able to resist? None, myself included. Cody and Rebecca interview 17-year-old Joey Logano about the financial component of racing and what it's like to be NASCAR jailbait (they also get him absolutely shitfaced and then request a spin in his 750 horsepower racing machine, which is just good TV). That's not what I want you to focus on though. I want you to focus on Cody's jacket. Watch it like you've never watched a jacket before. Watch it with the sound on, watch it with the sound off. Watch it on a boat, watch it with a goat. Watch it in the rain, watch it on a train. Watch it in a box, watch it with a fox. Watch it in a house, watch it with a mouse. Then start a letter writing campaign to Fox Business, petitioning that Cody Willard has to wear that jacket on every network appearance for the remainder of his contract. Then take a gander at this thing, which is equally mind-blowing and worthy of your time. You'll want to plug your headphones in.

Teenage NASCAR Sensation [Fox Business]

We greeted the news of announcement yesterday that Citadel had picked up an asset backed securities portfolio from E*Trade in our usual curmudgeonly style. While investors celebrated the news by pushing E*Trade’s share price up, we noted that this probably should have the accountants at many Wall Street firms scrambling to reassess their own ABS portfolios.

It turns our we weren’t alone on this. Paul Kedrosky filed a two-part analysis of the Citadel deal yesterday, and sounded many of the same notes.

“First things first, the price on E-Trade's ABS book. We just had a major mark-to-market event, in effect,” Kedrosky wrotes. “As more than a few people have argued to me via email, if most of the industry had to mark their ABS books to 27 cents on the dollar, the U.S. banking business would be in deep, deep trouble.”

So far the reaction from Wall Street has been mostly marked by silence, prompting one veteran Wall Streeter to remark over drinks last night, “How can you tell when a Wall Street bank is lying about the condition of its credit portfolio? It’s when they aren’t making any noise at all.”

E-Trade: Citadel Investment Analysis, Part 2 [Infectious Greed]

China Bends To U.S. On Trade Subsidies (Forbes)
We doubt this will have much effect on anything, but China has agreed to pare back certain export subsidies, per an agreement signed with the US on Thursday. Supposedly, the agreement helps put China more in line with WTO regs, but it's hard to imagine the country doing much that would lead to a big difference. And since when does the US have any credibility on subsidies?

Oil Falls Below $90 in New York for the First Time This Month (Bloomberg)
As we guessed yesterday, that pipeline explosion (and yes, we're sensitive about the fact that two people died) didn't prove to have much in the way of legs. Forget the century mark, now oil has to be gunning for the $90 mark. Next stop: $30. Wonder if that HuffPo blogger is going to admit that he was taken by the news hype and renounce his call for tapping of the SPR.

Verizon switches standards gears for next-generation network (CNET)
Verizon has announced the technology it will use for its "4G" wireless system, and the mobile cognoscenti seem to think this is a bigger deal than the company's earlier "open" announcement. While the first announcement basically stated that the company would adopt something similar to AT&T, its effect could be seen as muted, since the company's CDMA network isn't compatible with a lot of phones. But for its next gen, it will be using a non-CDMA standard -- LTE -- which will be compatible with a lot more, potentially making it that much more interoperable with other devices and networks.

The End of Hurricane Hugo? (The American)
It just clicked to us: we're going to be reading about the 'last days' of Hugo Chavez for the next 35 years. Seriously, if we could remember Castro's early days, we'd say it's eerily reminiscent, but alas that would be misleading. Then again, maybe not. Word is that the people may actually be catching on to him down there, though we'll believe it when we see it .

$$$ Restore Sears First [Jeff Matthews]

$$$ Thursday night pool? Act now! [Craigslist]

$$$ Touching You [WallStrip]

You really have to love bonuses paid in nearly worthless currency like, say, the Brazilian Real (not to be confused with other Brazilians, which we are all in favor of), or maybe UBS stock. So are UBS's investment bankers worthy of the 100 percent stock bonuses they have coming their way next month? Credit Suisse says "Yes." That is, Credit Suisse uses a cute report littered with 'Shroom burger stains to point out that UBS's investment banking unit might have a net worth of negative $20 billion dollars. Since this pegs each of the firm's 22,000 employees as worth negative $1 million, (before adjustments for ego good will--the Nazi sympathizers love themselves more than any other professionals on the Street, Goldman Sachs included, which is also your answer to why the stalls in the 3rd floor men's room are always occupied from 1-4 pm) a worthless stock grant seems like a well-priced treat. Some simple math shows that even if every employee pledges to switch from 2 to 1 ply and search for their own flights on Priceline, the bank will not be out of the red 'til 2015. Goldman Sachs, investment bank Schadenfreude of the highest order, has even more pessimistic ideas about "You and Us." But then, you knew that before we told you. Check out the bad news here.

Are UBS Bankers in a Sea of Red? [WSJ]

With the passing of Thanksgiving, the fall social season has officially come to a close. Now the holiday season is upon us. For some of you that means Christmas trees, for some of you that means dreidels, for some of you that means [insert something associated with Kwanza here]; and for others [fill in objects related to whatever other religion you practice here]. Yes, this is a divisive time of year.

But take heart, for we can obviously agree that “the holidays” mean one thing to us all—free drinks on our bosses’ dimes (and if you’re lucky, other “things,” too). And since you’re reading DealBreaker, you’re clearly the type of person who gets invited to tantalizingly salacious parties circa December/January, or at least ones with the potential to be so. And in less of a “we’re going to publish pictures that will ruin you, professionally and socially” and in more of a “this is the kind of party that no one will be able to remember in the morning unless there’s photographic evidence of its awesomeness,” we think you should totally send invites to any and all of these events to us at tips at dealbreaker dot com. (Use the subject line: “Holiday Party.”)

What’s in it for you? Two words: Bess Levin. We’ll be sending her to as many of these parties as her liver, brain and our insurance premiums can handle. And don’t worry about possible law-related problems, as her driver’s license informs us that she’s legal to drink. But just barely.

So send us the invites, or at least the time, place and manner. As always, the identities of all tipsters will be kept in strictest confidence.

Last night the doors of the meatpacking district's Lotus opened up for a party in honor of Jim Cramer's new book, "Stay Mad For Life."

The party was hosted by CNBC President Mark Hoffman. During a speech introducing Cramer, Hoffman noted CNBC was just completing their highest rated November since 2000.(Volatility is good for financial news networks.) He also mentioned that Cramer had signed a new, multi-year deal with the network. Media Bistro's TVNewser reveals that Hoffman also mentioned that he had heard a "big storm" was coming on October 15, the date Fox Business launched, but that CNBC hasn't "had to move the thermostat at all."

TV Newser continues:
The veiled shots at Fox Business continued when Cramer took the mic. After calling CNBC the "most exciting, gratifying and rewarding place to work," he acknowledged, although not by name, Fox Biz and his intention to "wipe the floor with them." And for those who jump ship to the competition? "Anyone who goes over there...we're not friends," Cramer said to cheers and laughter from the crowd.

Asked for a response, an FBN spokesperson said, "Doesn't Jim need ratings first before wiping the floor with us?"

A host of CNBC types attended the party, including Cramer's stop trading partner "Erin Burnett." (Related: anyone else notice how good she looks in that low-cut red number she's sporting today?) We kind of suspect Cramer is afraid of Bess--something about her love for our bobble-head version of him or calling his nephew Cliff Mason inept when it comes to ladies--so we weren't terribly surprised no-one invited us.

Incidentally: Lotus is still open? Who knew? We haven't even thought about that place for at least two years. Probably three.

Stay Mad Party [TV Newsers]

Earlier today we pointed out that the seventy-four percent discount on the asset backed securities Citadel has acquired from E*Trade will likely trigger a good deal of consternation on Wall Street. For the past few months banks and brokerages have been struggling to re-asses their credit portfolios. Even after a series of write-downs on those assets, many investors and market watchers remain unconvinced that the best and the brightest of the financial world understand the extent of their losses or are willing to be forthcoming about them.

The reason why Citadel's discount may have the bean-counters scrambling is that under new accounting standards—referred by those who enjoy talking in word and number jumbles as FAS 157 and FAS 159—companies are required to take into account easily available information about the market prices for their assets. With the Citadel trade blasted across Bloomberg screens and newspaper headlines, it's hard to argue that the information is not available.

What's more, one standard excuse for not writing-down assets should be unavailable. Under older standards, companies could claim that the assets had more value than could be achieved in a current market sale. No longer. These days companies are required to value even lightly traded assets in terms of the values they could achieve by selling or transferring the position. And that should mean they cannot blithely ignore the pricing of E*Trade's ABS portfolio.

It's still possible that other holders of asset backed securities on Wall Street will claim that E*Trades portfolio was especially weak or that they may continue to value the components of their own ABS portfolio as individual units rather than attempt to estimate the losses that would be incurred if a huge part of the portfolio was sold. This may provide some cover for the banks but it is not at all reassuring. We're told constantly that this latest round of write-downs has been the last, that the banks and brokerages are writing-down more than they need to because they have suddenly become conservative about such things. But if they put their heads in the sand—or, other dark places—and ignore E*Trade, we'll have to view these claims of a new conservatism on Wall Street with even more skepticism usual.

Among the more amusing items in our inbox this morning was an invitation to a party in Williamsburg, Brooklyn sporting the theme "Wall Street Circa 1987."

"Two dark events are upon us: the end of my 20s and the beginning of the recession," the woman throwing the party writes. "Let's fight both Brooklyn style with a giant dirty bomb of a party."

We're taking this as a hopeful sign. If Steve Schwarzman's lavish $5 million birthday party rang the bell at the top of the credit driven leverage buyout boom, a party thrown by Williamsburg hipsters build around downbeat market sentiment might be a sign of the bottom.

Hey guess what? Stephen Schwarzman and Henry Kravis might have the same personal net worth, even though Blackstone is worth significantly more than KKR. Who gives a shit? I'm going to go out on a limb and say this guy.

As has now been widely reported, Citadel has swooped down into E*Trade's coffers and delivered the internet bank and brokerage $2.5 billion in cash. Investors seem to like this deal, pushing up E*Trade's share price in early morning trading.

The lads and lasses at DealBook have a bit of a laugh this morning in a post titled "We're From Citadel, and We're Here To Help." They run through the now familiar litany of Citadel's quick asset purchases from distressed financial firms: Amaranth, Sowood, Sentinel. It would be tempting to describe these as bailouts by Citadel--indeed, DealBook reports that Citadel founder Ken Griffin pitches the deals as "helping" the troubled firms--except that each of the firms subject to Citadel's attention went on to sink even further. Citadel's help often seems to be a prelude to the ash-heap of financial history. E*Trade investors may want to take note: when Ken Griffin is on the phone, you are probably in more trouble than you think.

As part of the deal, Citadel is paying $800 million for asset backed securities that had a book value of $3 billion. That's close to a 74% haircut for E*Trade. It's worth paying attention to the possibly the secondary effects of this sale, which may be even more profound than most have acknowledged. The market for asset backed securities is one of those severely stricken in the credit crunch, and this trade is one of the few large, publicly announced sales of these assets in recent weeks. Surely those banks and brokerages which have been claiming to be adjusting their valuations to market realities will have to take a second look at their valuations in light of this 74% discount.

We're not exactly going to hold our collective breath waiting for the banks to mark their ABS portfolios down by two-thirds. If we listen close enough we can already hear them whispering in their conference rooms that E*trade's was a "firesale" and does not reflect underlying market fundamentals. Which makes us wonder whether they are truly confused about the difference between marking-to-model and marking-to-market.

We’re From Citadel, and We’re Here to Help [DealBook]

E*Trade to Get $2.55 Billion Cash Boost From Citadel [Bloomberg]

Our headline is more wishful thinking than an actual guess. But we're hoping our readers will provide some better informed speculation. Get your nominations in now and we'll run a poll later to decide this the democratic DealBreaker way.

WHICH senior Citigroup executive, who's still with the financial giant despite being involved in loss-making decisions this year, was able to promote his cute chief-of-staff and then replace her with an equally cute hire despite the bank's unofficial hiring freeze?

Just Asking [NYP]

We won't pretend we're a not at least a little disappointed by the guilty pleas offered in a federal court in Houston by three British bankers yesterday. The bankers—Giles Darby, David Bermingham and Gary Mulgrew—pled guilty to one charge of wire fraud each and are expected to be sentenced to 37-months in jail.

Those who have cheered on the criminalization of Enron's collapse will no doubt wear vindicated smiles when they talk about the guilty pleas. But their glee will be misplaced is they regard the guilty plea as a confirmation of wrong-doing. Plea bargains have become quite common in white-collar criminal cases not because prosecutors select only the guiltiest of defendants but because the threat of enormous jail sentences make fighting charges too risky.

Sears Holdings Reports Third Quarter Results
So earnings at Sears Holdings got slices to $2 million in the recent quarter, from $196 million last year. We we all set to snark it up, saying something sarcastic like "we're sure they did a great quarter, but we're just too stupid to really appreciate the subtlety of the results." But, maybe sometimes a bad quarter is just a bad quarter, even at Sears. To wit: "We are very disappointed in our performance for the third quarter. We cannot blame our results entirely on the retail and macro-economic environments. We have much on which to improve and are working hard to do so." We certainly applaud their forthrightness.

E*TRADE Financial Announces $2.5 Billion Investment Led by Citadel
Troubled online broker E-Trade is getting $2.55 billion in cash and it's not petrodollars. Actually, it very well could be petrodollars. It's coming from hedge fund Citadel, which for all we know, counts
several billion in petrodollars under management. In fact we wouldn't be surprise to see that at all. The fund had previously owned 3 percent of the company, but it stands at 20 percent. Also, the company is replacing its CEO Mitchell Caplan, though no full-time replacement has been named.

Talking Ourselves into Recession (Business & Media Institute) (via Talking Biz News)
Amy Menefee at the free-market oriented Business & Media Institute says everyone should shut up about the recession already, or it'll turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy (ah but aren't they all?). She notes that for all the talk, the majority of policy makers and economists don't see a recession actually happening. That's funny, because that doesn't fit with half of the conference calls we've heard this quarter. In many cases, management isn't predicting recession -- they're saying we're in one right now. This all seems very similar to things felt in late 2000, when "49 out of 50 economists" kept saying there was no recession in the offing. And then there it was.

Trappist Command: Thou Shalt Not Buy Too Much of Our Beer (WSJ)
Interesting article with some important points about economics. The Journal looks at the plight of Trappist, beer-brewing monks, whose brew is in incredibly high demand, especially compared to the meager supply. The monks, you see, aren't interested in being a beer powerhouse, so they've kept supply and price down, which has created all kinds of havoc. Best line: "This beer is addictive, like chocolate," said Luc Lannoo, an unemployed, 36-year-old Belgian from Ghent, about an hour away, as he loaded two cases of Westvleteren into his car at the St. Sixtus gate one morning. "I have to come every month." Oh, really? Didn't know beer could be addictive.

$$$ The Devaluation of UBS Bankers [Deal Journal]

$$$ Sell Everything; Hell is Here [LoSC]

$$$ Animals [WallStrip]

Lloyd Blankfein has been named the most powerful CEO on Wall Street. Bet you didn't see that one coming. OR THIS.

25 most powerful people in business [Fortune]
The Office Pessimists May Not Be Lovable, But Are Often Right [WSJ]

The confused idea of shareholder democracy suffered a set-back today when the SEC voted 3-1 to allow companies to block investors from placing board nominees on official corporate election ballots. There will no doubt be lots of hand-wringing about this vote but most of what you need to know about the proxy access proposals can be found by looking at its biggest proponents: labor unions and union dominated pension funds. The funds and unions favor proxy access rights not because they have an altruistic urge to help shareholders in general or out of a metaphysical attachment to democracy. They supported it because they believed it would give them a leg up in negotiations with management and corporate boards. Ordinary shareholders can breath a little easier that this attempted power grab has failed.

SEC denies shareholder bid for more power in board elections [LA Times]

We're totally sure that this two-day rally is perfectly healthy and that this description of the havoc wreaked on our economy by the Federal Reserve is not at all eerie.

All in all, financial instability has been far greater since the creation of the Federal Reserve. What did the Great Depression teach us? Essentially that even with the best of intentions, it is impossible for the authorities to manage the supply of money in accordance with the exact needs of the economy. A country's economy is the sum of millions of people making decisions that no single individual is in a position to anticipate. As economist Murray Rothbard showed in his book America's Great Depression, in the 1920s the Federal Reserve pumped up the money supply, expanding credit by more than 60 percent. Because the economy was very productive, this monetary expansion did not show up in the regular inflation figures. But, as is always the case with inflation, many resources went to the wrong kind of investments--until the crisis hit. The late Milton Friedman showed how the Fed made things worse by not providing the system with enough liquidity once the Depression was obvious.

Fed Up[The New Republic]

We at my apartment (so me and Marissa) have heard that the invasion of employee privacy by Wall Street firms has taken a bold step forward: hacking into employee Facebook accounts. According to a sometimes reliable, sometimes not source, the human relations department at a certain investment bank has been using creative technology to get into the profiles of current (and prospective) minions, to monitor their off (and on) the clock activities. This is bull shit and I'll tell you why: it would be one thing, if you and those with the power to get you fired willingly entered into a Facebook friendship, thereby granting them full-access to see what's a-poppin' in your personal life whenever they pleased. But this means that someone who doesn't even have the bedside manner to ask "You wanna do this" first, or worse, someone whose online friendship you've formally said no thanks to, can see that you've added "Boiler Room" to your favorite movies (sheep) and changed your status from "Billy is working at Bear Stearns" to "Billy is getting a public citation for having relieved himself on the sidewalk in front of Bear Stearns which he wouldn't have had to do in the first place if those FUCKS hadn't fired him." Anyway, try and guess which firm we're talking about via Facebook message (thereby granting me access to see your profile for one week even if we're not friends) and I will respond shortly.

Apparently there's some kind of protest on near Goldman Sachs on Broad Street today. Gawker dot com, a media and celebrity gossip site, reports that twenty or so protesters are chanting and waiving signs outside of Goldman. Security, of course, was summoned and the protesters apparently took off to march up Wall Street.

The best part of all this, of course, is the cause: the protesters are protesting predatory lending. Of course, since Goldman doesn't originate residential mortgages and made money last quarter shorting mortgages, it's a bit odd to protest them for predatory lending. If anything, they engaged in predatory anti-lending. Details!

I Predict A Riot [Gawker]

In an effort to "best position Bear Stearns for 2008 and beyond," which is the year it plans to "really start making this thing work," the securities firm will be laying off 650 employees. Ex-Bears will be given (probably uncompetitive) severance, benefits (that don't include dental) and outplacement services (with the majority of firees expected to land on their feet working as editors on the Think Equity blog).* In a remarkable show of compassion, James Cayne is said to have sent out a desperate e-mail to the members of the board early this morning, urging them to reconsider the drastic measure, on account of the fact that the staff reduction would translate to much fewer people for him to go in on 1/8ths with, and in Jimbo's words, "I don't have that kind of money right now." After being reminded that the layoffs had been an idea he had come up with on his own, after returning from a super frustrating smoking session in which he got a measly two hits before the spliff ran out because there were "like 30 people there" and "some first year fuck kept Bogarting the shit," Cayne, who had to read the reply six times before being able to process the information, responded, "Oh yeah. Ok, fuck it, get rid of them."

Bear Stearns Cuts 4 Percent of Staff [AP]

*actually, we don't know if any of these specs are true, we're just assuming. Got any info? Feel free to share.

We might give Citigroup a lot of shit for being the world's crappiest bank but that's just our way of showing affection. Because in truth, most days we really love Citi, today being no exception. Even though it has no CEO, no wiling candidates for CEO, no money, no women, no prospects, no action and no conceivable reasons at all for even getting up in the morning, Citigroup was reportedly downright offended to get a call from a prominent investment banker suggesting that perhaps it'd like to merge with Bank of America. Us? the world's crappiest bank, merge with Bank of America? Where the hell do you get off even thinking something like that? The board apparently called the approach (to say nothing of the actual proposition) "totally out of hand" and then looked around at its buddies as if to say, "You believe this guy?"

Financial Firms, Capital Depleted, Hunt for Cash [WSJ]

Remember that party we didn't go to? You know, the Financial Writers Association's "Financial Follies." Well, apparently this parody of "the Office" was part of the activities. It's vaguely funny, and relatively well produced. Oh, and it comes from the people who make that Bloomberg terminal on your desk.

PS: Last night we were sitting in the same bar we always sit in, Tom & Jerrys on Elizabeth Street, when we noticed the girls next to us were talking about "Clerks." At first we were excited because girls aren't usually huge fans of the movie. But we quickly realized the girls were talking about friends who were clerking for judges. In short, they were lawyers.

"Are you two lawyers?" we asked.

"No," the girl with the short hair and oddly attractive smile lied. Eventually she half-recanted and told us that her friend was a lawyer. In truth, both of them were.

"Do you always lie when asked about being a lawyer?" we asked.

"No. Just to you." She probably thought that was funny. We just thought it was sad that her life as a lawyer had left her so bitter.

So. Anyway. We totally had a point when we began telling this story. What was it? Oh, right. Here it is: the girl with the longer hair was a lawyer but she doesn't practice anymore. These days she works for Bloomberg. So there you go.

While many of the world's leading financial institutions struggle with a hangover from the credit market party that came crashing to a halt this summer, Andrew Lahde has some bad news for them: the credit crunch is going to get worse and it’s going to spread.

Lahde Capital’s flagship fund, US Residential Real Estate Hedge V, is up 1000% year-to-date. Another fund he manages, concentrated on commercial real estate, is up 80%. In a recent letter to investors he’s tells investors that he is taking the firm out of its short positions in BBB- and BBB rated paper over the next ninety days . He’s offering investors the opportunity to make early redemptions, telling them that it is time to take money off the table.

But this hardly means he’s suddenly become optimistic about mortgage backed paper. In a letter to investors obtained by the boys and girls at FinAlternatives, Ladhe tells investors that he expects further deterioration in the ABX index for paper rated AA through BBB-.

“We believe that all of these positions have further downside,” Ladhe writes. The AA rated paper will “melt away into the history books,” he says, adding that he expects this paper will eventually be worth “zero.”

If anything, he has become more pessimistic at time has passed. “The credit that America has been having an orgy with is going away,” Ladhe writes. “Our banks are saddled with endless bad debt and our collective leadership is clueless.”

Of course, being right once doesn’t mean that Lahde will always be right. It will certainly be hard to replicate his 1000% performance. But it’s a good reminder after a day like yesterday, when—consumer sentiment be damned—everything comes up roses, that there’s still a lot of weeds in the garden of good and bad credit.

Oh, and in case you are wondering, Lahde is launching a new fund. It's strategy? We'll let him tell it: "The focus will simply be shorting credit. There is plenty of bad credit left out there to short."

Hedge Fund Gains 1,000%, Preps Short Credit Fund [FinAlternatives]

Oil eases towards $94, U.S. economy and OPEC in focus (Reuters)
So what if oil never gets to $100. Could it be, is it possible? Who knows. If traders go way negative on the global economy and somehow the Dollar strengthens, then it's conceivable, but trying to guess this stuff would just make us look like fools. Meanwhile, it's important to remember that the "century mark" isn't a global phenomenon, but one that only has meaning if you're in the US. Check out the latest from Paul K, where he looks at a multi-year price chart in several different currencies. One thing's clear: no matter how strong your country's currency has been, oil has been getting more expensive. How do you say Peak Oil in Japanese?

Top Economic Adviser To Leave White House (WSJ)
George Bush's top economic advisor, Al Hubbard, is leaving at the end of the year. Notice in the headline, the Journal didn't use the guy's name, which is probably because all of 7 people know who Al Hubbard is. The good news: George Bush didn't create the precarious financial state we're in today, and he probably can't make it much worse in his final year in office, regardless of who fills Hubbard's shoes. Our vote for his replacement though: "world's greatest economist" Lyndon Larouche. Exactly what would be needed to turn Bush's lamest of lame duck years into something we could all get excited about.

Why Citi's 11% Coupon Doesn't Mean it's Paying Junk Rates (Felix Salmon)
Felix Salmon puts in plain language this post from Andrew Clavell about why the 11 percent rate on Citi's Abu Dhabi money isn't all its cracked up to be. No need for a summary of a summary of an explanation of the news, so just click on over.

Verizon’s Open Announcement Is A Big Deal, But Not For The Reasons You Might Think (Mobhappy)
Lots of enthusiasm over yesterday's announcement that Verizon would be "opening" up its network to outside phones and applications for the first time. Potentially a very big move for the company, though we'll see how it all goes down before getting into a full lather. Carlo Longino offers a more skeptical take. His core point: Verizon is now offering exactly what Cingular, er AT&T and T-Mobile have already been offering for a while, the ability to bring any device onto the network. Jeez, well when you put it that way, it doesn't sound like such a big deal.

$$$ Hath Joined Together [Going Private]

$$$ Is Abu Dhabi Getting a Good Deal? [Deal Journal]

$$$ Can you handle situations that might necessitate lying? Pretend to know stuff? Fingerbang old rich ladies? Delude compensation committees into thinking you deserve millions and millions of dollars?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you may be a hot commodity. [CNBC]

$$$ What can he say about Medallion's trading strategy?

``Not much,'' Simons says with a chortle, and then takes a drag on one of the Merit cigarettes he often smokes.

What kind of instruments does it trade?

``Everything.''

How many different strategies does it use?

``A lot.'' [Bloomberg]

$$$ "A few seconds later, as Zuckerberg—all 5’8”, 150 pounds, and 23 years of him—launches into his presentation, his voice cracks." [02138]

$$$ King of the Club [thestreet.com]

You will always be our number one.

Walid’s New Rival for Citi’s Affection [DealBook]

Some of you might call that favortism but A. Oh, it is? I wish I had a problem with that and B. You'll be singing a different tune when you behold the glory that awaits you after the jump. All I will say is that it was sent to us by the greatest reader of all time, who "ripped it out of a glossy mag that was in [his] South Beach hotel room" and that when I called Deutsche to make sure it wasn't a joke, there was a good ten seconds of stifled but totally professional giggling on the other end before the magical pronouncement: "I'm embarrassed to tell you this, but yes, it's real. Enjoy."

At a conference hosted by the Confederation of British Industry yesterday, a visibly shaking Stephen Schwarzman said that private equity is "a force for good" whose only goal is to help the children. Then he bemoaned the fact that his industry is seen as a "destructive force with a short-term perspective, levering companies and stripping their assets to enrich a few nasty people (like me), who then don't even pay taxes on all that they get in such an unsavory manner," just before yelling "good bye, cruel world" and throwing himself off a second-story balcony. (Schwarzman also offered this rave review of himself, courtesy of his own family, on the way down: “My wife and children were not ashamed to have me sit with them at the Thanksgiving table on Thursday.” You know what? Sold. I don't even know what he's selling, but sold.)

Stephen Schwarzman Speaks [DealBook]

Former Credit Suisse investment banker Hafiz Naseem pleaded not guilty yesterday to allegations that he was "the mastermind" behind a $7 million insider-trading ring in which he leaked details about nine deals that Credit Suisse was an adviser on, including the $45 billion leveraged buyout of TXU. The prosecution's foolproof rebuttal? Naseem had a gambling problem, and was up to his toes in $5,000 of debt, which is totally a plausible reason for committing a $7 million felony. Geniuses. (A lawyer for Naseem has denied these accusations as well, saying that while the $5,000 debt part of the story is true, the gambling part is not. It was a heroin thing, and was taken care of in a completely legal fashion.)

Credit Suisse Case Shocker [NYP]

So some banks are so poor now that they can't even afford to pay for your Blackberrys and there's a chance RIM might even go out of business as a result and I feel for you, I really do, but you know how it is...not so bad for DealBreaker, not so bad for Bess. What I'm getting at is that our publisher has decided I need to be able to check in with the tips line more frequently because you never know when Citigroup's going to announce a 350 billion dollar writedown or Jim'll want to get high and he (our publisher, but Jim, too) just really feels that I need to be accessible at all times in more ways than currently offered by my Razr. (This whole thing actually would've been a lot more satisfying if it had played out more like "Hey, Bessiecakes,* a busy and important person like you needs a wireless handheld device that allows you to check your e-mail and browse the Web for unique and interesting Craigslist postings (FOR THE PURPOSES WRITE-OFFS) whenever/wherever" than "Can I have a Blackberry?" "Yeah, sure," but whatever, I don't care. I really don't.)

Only thing is, I can't decide which one to get. (Obviously I've ruled out a Sidekick, because I'm neither a 14 year-old girl nor a 'mo of any age (not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just not) and the Treo, because (in my mind only) I'm not a loser). You people know Blackberrys and you've made it this far (down the post) anyway, so I just thought, how about a poll? And here we are. I have a few notes, which aren't intended to inform your pick, just things to keep in mind: The Curve strikes me as very soccer mom, but I don't know, maybe I should run with that? I like the weight of the 8700, but prefer the look of the 8800 (in black). I've more or less rejected the Pearl out of hand because it's called the Pearl but I'm trying to step outside my comfort zone in all aspects of life and one might say that this would be a good place to start (though I'm asking as a friend: please don't). I'm not going to include the 7130 because I know some people won't be able to help themselves from voting for it simply because I think it's a hideous eyesore and wouldn't that be hilarious. But if there's anyone out there with strong feelings for the model, please share. Alright, so you pick one for me now, and later, we'll help Carney decide which finish he should use for his head shots (I say matte, he's holding out for high gloss).

*in this scenario Keith, who's the only one who calls me that, still works at DB.

Barclays said today that in spite of writedowns due to subprime, etc., it predicts that 2007 will exceed last year's profit, though just barely. Everyone (traders especially) thinks this is good news, and if we were talking about Citi it definitely would be, but making a pound mor