busey.jpgIn a terrific display of holiday togetherness, the employees of SAC Capital convened in Stamford last night to bask in the mediocrity and obscurity of the past year. To create the perfect atmosphere for such an event, the holiday gala was held in a plastic tent behind the company’s headquarters. Despite their better efforts, however, everyone seemed to have a good time, fueled by a live reggae/soul band (interesting choice) and several PMs dispensing bonuses by raining hundreds from a platform over the crowd (no one is really sure whether this was actually their bonus or if they will still be receiving one today). The whole night was summed up in the inspiring, albeit slurred, drunken cry overheard as people piled into taxis outside of the after party: “I can’t believe we fucking work at SAC. I mean, I’m a total idiot, you saw me tonight. And yet here I am.” A breakdown by the numbers:


• Total attendance: 400
• Avg. number of people each person recognized at the party: 11.6
•Propane heaters keeping the holiday well-wishers toasty: 12
•Waiters that might have actually been Gary Busey: 1
•Length of Papa Cohen’s painful speech: 4 minutes
•Laughs received by Papa Cohen’s joke insinuating that the back office outperformed the front: maybe 1 (more like a half chuckle, half “fuck off, fat guy”)
•Beirut tables at after-party held at Hula Hank’s: 1
•Drinking games played simultaneously on said Beirut table: 3
•Ratio of females to males at Hula Hank’s: 1:8
•Ratio of females to males checking into the Marriott afterwards: 1:40
•Average time spent on e-FinancialCareers.com today: 45 minutes

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Comments (68)

  1. Posted by amazing | December 7, 2007 at 12:02 PM

    more like a half chuckle, half “fuck off, fat guy”

  2. Posted by Anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 12:04 PM

    this was so wonderfully dismissive. we need more stories like this about SAC

  3. Posted by Anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 12:07 PM

    Stevie is going to gut you like a fish for that “fat guy” line.

  4. Posted by funny because it's true | December 7, 2007 at 12:15 PM

    •Ratio of females to males at Hula Hank’s: 1:8
    •Ratio of females to males checking into the Marriott afterwards: 1:40
    •Average time spent on e-FinancialCareers.com today: 45 minutes

  5. Posted by fake andrew ross sorkin | December 7, 2007 at 12:18 PM

    i can’t believe dealbreaker got invited to the sac party.

  6. Posted by hurt | December 7, 2007 at 12:22 PM

    you went to SAC and not my citi party?

  7. Posted by Anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 12:29 PM

    I remember the SAC Parties at Glenn Island Casino, Sacred Heart (with the Village People), and way back at the Willet House in Portchester.
    Those were some fun days…. Now is just pompous wanna bees.

  8. Posted by ugh | December 7, 2007 at 12:30 PM

    I remember the SAC Parties at Glenn Island Casino, Sacred Heart (with the Village People), and way back at the Willet House in Portchester.
    Those were some fun days…. Now is just pompous wanna bees.

  9. Posted by Anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 12:47 PM

    ugh – it must be so cool to be you

  10. Posted by Anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 12:49 PM

    actually, 12:47, it does sound pretty cool

  11. Posted by Anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 12:49 PM

    Stevie made it rain PacMan style?

  12. Posted by Anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 12:54 PM

    more like a half chuckle, half “fuck off, fat guy” haha

  13. Posted by slimjim | December 7, 2007 at 12:59 PM

    I went to this party. Good time- saw a girl walk into the mens bathroom and take a shit in the urinal. Real sexy Oriental
    bitch. Called all the guys in the bathroom a bunch offaggots.

  14. Posted by Anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 1:03 PM

    good to know bess isn’t afraid of being drawn and quartered by steve cohen.

  15. Posted by Anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 1:25 PM

    what was SAC’s return for the year? that’s the important question!!

  16. Posted by Anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 1:26 PM

    what was SAC’s return for the year? that’s the important question!!

  17. Posted by Anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 1:47 PM

    slimjim that is a great story

  18. Posted by LL Cool J | December 7, 2007 at 1:49 PM

    That ratio of females to males is twice what it was when I lived in stamford. usually there’d be twenty dudes and a cow in bradford’s on a saturday night.

  19. Posted by L. Craig | December 7, 2007 at 1:52 PM

    Does anyone know where to go for the good f-m ratios?
    Lots of m, very few f.

  20. Posted by Anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 2:00 PM

    L. Craig: check out any frat boy bar in the East 90s or Murray Hill.

  21. Posted by girl | December 7, 2007 at 2:13 PM

    L. Craig: Bess’ roommates bedroom on a given night.

  22. Posted by Captain Stabbin | December 7, 2007 at 2:14 PM

    reported Larry Craig sighting in Lehman 2nd floor men’s bathroom yesterday morning

  23. Posted by anonymous | December 7, 2007 at 2:14 PM

    those noodles in a box were horrendous

  24. Posted by The Forehead Slapper | December 7, 2007 at 2:43 PM

    I’m supposed to be afraid of a guy who works in a 40 degree F room and has traders telling other traders to dress like a woman?!?!

  25. Posted by Big Train | December 7, 2007 at 3:35 PM

    L.L- I remeber those moo-moos in Bradfords gobbling up the 10 cent wings…

  26. Posted by IcarusByNight | December 11, 2007 at 2:42 AM

    Stevie is running out of juice. I was there when the ‘conversation that never happened’ took place. I watched him devolve from someone who resembled a human being, to something not so much.
    Nice to see that his old buddy Howard Silverman from Gruntal, still finds work. Odd how Silverman ended up being on the board of Valera. Must have been a coincidence.

  27. Posted by Anonymous | January 15, 2008 at 5:21 PM

    i worked there from 99 to 02. we used to go to steve’s house on sunday for bbq’s and talk strategy about the mrket we all learned from each other. I ahve seen this movie before its called GOOD FELLAS!!! you in until your out and when your out you are lucky if they find a body. good luck to brian hope he spends all the money they threw people out windows for!!!!

  28. Posted by Anonymous | January 15, 2008 at 5:22 PM

    i worked there from 99 to 02. we used to go to steve’s house on sunday for bbq’s and talk strategy about the mrket we all learned from each other. I ahve seen this movie before its called GOOD FELLAS!!! you in until your out and when your out you are lucky if they find a body. good luck to brian hope he spends all the money they threw people out windows for!!!!

  29. Posted by guest | May 29, 2008 at 12:47 AM

    all you morons are dopes, why the phuq is a j3w having a christmas party???????

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