This Is Serious

It’s no secret that Jimmy Cayne’s fear of the media has increased three-fold since the Journal’s hit on his drug problem came out, and he began dramatically increasing the amount of PCP he was lacing his pot with supposedly as a coping mechanism but really just for fun. It’s also no secret that Jimmy Cayne isn’t terribly concerned about the credit crisis situation, and its various effects on humans and shellfish, which, most significantly for people, is the death of courtesanship, and for crabs who in better times would’ve been eaten by Stephen Schwarzman, longer life spans. Not concerned that is, until things start to hit a little too close to home.

We’re referring, of course, to the increasingly weak dollar’s impingement on Cayne’s ability to get high. Speaking to the Post on the promise of anonymity, Cayne told Page Six that “Most of the high-end marijuana sold here comes from Canada. With the Canadian dollar becoming more valuable against the US dollar, the dealers have had to raise prices about 25 percent, [and in some cases, by a whopping 50, making me RUE the day I enrolled my guy in night econ classes at Baruch College.]” What’s more, he got screwed royally last week while buying some chips during the intermission of a Pink Floyd laser light show in London due to the pound’s assault on the dollar, and because he didn’t realize that an order of chips to the Brits is a basket of fries. A source—named Carney, who was hiding in the brush the whole time—tells Dealbreaker that Cayne was so angry he barked, “This is why I never go to the theater” and tried to storm out in a huff but couldn’t find the exit. The bottom line is that something has to be done stat, or Jimmy’s going to follow-through on his threats to “do something drastic,” like kidnap Ben Bernanke and tickle-torture him ‘til he makes things right, or, more probably, develop an addiction to Oxycontin.

Stoners Suffer [NYP]