So much to mine from today’s New York feature on Jeffrey Epstein but the most basic thing is this: that man should be acquitted of all the charges. And we say this as people who were never the raging Epophiles you might find in the Times newsroom (I have pictures) or on the Goldman prop desk (I have video). We liked him okay, though we thought he was pretty stupid for getting caught and found his powers of perception to be somewhat lacking. But now we are converts. In fact, we’re writing this to you from the Church of Epstein. I’m sitting in the front row pew, Carney’s on his knees at the alter. You, too, will be joining us after you realize that this man:

+ Apologizes for being half an hour late with the excuse: “I never realized how many one-way streets and no-right-turns there are in midtown.”

+ Refers journalists looking for character witnesses to scientists (Nobel Prize winners, natch).

+ When compared to Icarus, asks: “Did Icarus like massages?”

+ Tells detectives (via his lawyer) that the reason he had so many massages is that he’s “very passionate about massages.”

+Lives “like a pasha.”

+ Nicknames his girls “Egg Beaters,” then has the brass to make them pay for the mugs and T’s he had made on Café Press.

+ While he may not have displayed the same innovative sexual deviancy as others, at least had the good sense not to get lured to his death by a shrewish wife who still hasn’t compensated the god damn pool cleaners for their services.

The authorities are clearly after the wrong person here. Jeffrey Epstein should not be behind bars. You know who should be behind bars? Teri Karush Rogers, and the 16 other current and former townhouse owners interviewed by the Times for an article about how much vertical living sucks (“You hate when you come home from a trip with a lot of luggage and have to drag it up the stairs, or you’re in a huge hurry to leave and you have to run back up to the third or fourth floor dressed up in high-heeled shoes because you’ve forgotten something,” “At first, she said, ‘it was sort of fun going up and down, and then we started bickering like little children about whose turn it was to get something’,” “What really stinks is when the doorbell rings and you’re breast-feeding on the fourth floor.”). Teri Karush Rogers and everyone at the NYT with three names. Those are the people who deserve caps in their asses. (Though that's just a for instance. Have a better execution ideas? Let us know.)

The Fantaist [NYM]