So much to mine from today’s New York feature on Jeffrey Epstein but the most basic thing is this: that man should be acquitted of all the charges. And we say this as people who were never the raging Epophiles you might find in the Times newsroom (I have pictures) or on the Goldman prop desk (I have video). We liked him okay, though we thought he was pretty stupid for getting caught and found his powers of perception to be somewhat lacking. But now we are converts. In fact, we’re writing this to you from the Church of Epstein. I’m sitting in the front row pew, Carney’s on his knees at the alter. You, too, will be joining us after you realize that this man:
+ Apologizes for being half an hour late with the excuse: “I never realized how many one-way streets and no-right-turns there are in midtown.”
+ Refers journalists looking for character witnesses to scientists (Nobel Prize winners, natch).
+ When compared to Icarus, asks: “Did Icarus like massages?”
+ Tells detectives (via his lawyer) that the reason he had so many massages is that he’s “very passionate about massages.”
+Lives “like a pasha.”
+ Nicknames his girls “Egg Beaters,” then has the brass to make them pay for the mugs and T’s he had made on Café Press.
+ While he may not have displayed the same innovative sexual deviancy as others, at least had the good sense not to get lured to his death by a shrewish wife who still hasn’t compensated the god damn pool cleaners for their services.
The authorities are clearly after the wrong person here. Jeffrey Epstein should not be behind bars. You know who should be behind bars? Teri Karush Rogers, and the 16 other current and former townhouse owners interviewed by the Times for an article about how much vertical living sucks (“You hate when you come home from a trip with a lot of luggage and have to drag it up the stairs, or you’re in a huge hurry to leave and you have to run back up to the third or fourth floor dressed up in high-heeled shoes because you’ve forgotten something,” “At first, she said, ‘it was sort of fun going up and down, and then we started bickering like little children about whose turn it was to get something’,” “What really stinks is when the doorbell rings and you’re breast-feeding on the fourth floor.”). Teri Karush Rogers and everyone at the NYT with three names. Those are the people who deserve caps in their asses. (Though that's just a for instance. Have a better execution ideas? Let us know.)
The Fantaist [NYM]
Posted by mep , Dec 10, 2007 3:34PM
"Egg Beaters" what a classic
Posted by slimjim , Dec 10, 2007 4:15PM
What does he nickname his boys? Sausage Strokers.
Posted by Mokshunamos , Dec 10, 2007 4:26PM
Juan Alessi, his longtime houseman, told police that toward the end of his employment, the girls were “younger and younger,” and he often had to wash off vibrators and “a long rubber penis” left in the sink. The next houseman, Alfredo Rodriguez, said that he found the sex toys he had to wash “scattered on the floor.”
This combined with Epstein's belief in an Anti-Semitic conspiracy to destroy him must surely have captured Bess' heart more than than anything else.
Posted by , Dec 10, 2007 4:37PM
c'mon bess you can do better than that
Posted by Ben Bernasty , Dec 10, 2007 4:47PM
Ron "The manstuffer" Paul doesn't tolerate "egg beaters"
Posted by Ben Bernasty , Dec 10, 2007 4:52PM
Ron "The manstuffer" Paul doesn't tolerate "egg beaters"
Posted by , Dec 10, 2007 4:57PM
If Ron Paul had been president, none of this would've happened.
Posted by slimjim , Dec 10, 2007 5:01PM
Do not vote for Ron Paul he is a eunuch.
Posted by Sid , Dec 10, 2007 6:09PM
Classic:
“At one point, when his troubles began, he was talking to me and said, ‘What can I say, I like young girls.’ I said, ‘Maybe you should say, ‘I like young women.’ ”