So Alan Schwartz took some time away from his victory lap to sit down with David Faber yesterday afternoon. And being the crack business journalist that he is Faber got Schwartz to spill the beans on the turn around plan for Bear Stearns. It includes “execute”, take advantage of “market opportunities” and “don’t fuck up as much”. Schwartz also claims Bear is over capitalized. And by over capitalized, I assume he means “not currently bankrupt.”
Since Charlie Gasparino has been all over this story from day one—as long by “day one” you mean that day back in December when he broke the story that the board was looking for a successor to Jimmy Cayne—we wondered why he didn’t get tapped to interview Schwartz. Surely Gasparino has a more intimate knowledge of the situation and could therefore ask more salient questions. We assume Schwartz’s pride is still hurting from all of the Wall Street Journals references to Bear’s “Small but respected” investment banking department—no man likes anything about him to be referred to as “small but respected”—and so he might have been a bit sensitive about who he would talk to at “America’s Business Network.”
So we decided to ask CNBC about how the Schwartz interview became a Faber Report. Did Bear Stearns request Faber? Did CNBC choose Faber? Of course, CNBC wouldn’t comment on internal editorial matters. Gasparino says he has no idea how the interview was set up. Bear Stearns told us they would call us back but never did. They totally hate us.
Also, Schwartz claims Bear plans no future write downs due to the current “credit crisis”. Listen Alan, TAKE THE WRITE DOWNS. You only get one chance like this. Write everything down. Then if the mark downs were unnecessary mark the positions back up slowly each quarter to pad your freaking numbers, son. What have you been doing all month if it wasn’t learning how this game is played?
–Everett Stuckey, DealBreaker correspondent.
Comments (28)
Leave a comment
You can log in with your account or comment as a guest below.
“Great” article — if by great you mean better than something an autistic 5 year old could write — Everett!
who is this everett stuckey and where does he get off with the nerve calling a guy like Alan Schwartz “son” ?
i admire his spunk.
just hope bessie’s post shoutout doesnt mean she will be leaving us for something bigger and better. i heard traditional media is dead.
If these dumbasses had taken the appropriate write-downs in August (instead of falsely reporting 2nd and 3rd Quarter earnings — SEC investigation anyone?), we would all be in a much better place now. Instead, every single investor has lost confidence in these financial institutions and their phoney valuations so we are all suffering a continous meltdown of epic proprtions. I told you bitches about this in July, but nobody wanted to listen. Now it’s too late and very few of us are going to (barely) survive.
Beaten and blodied, but still standing . . . bitches.
@HAM’05 – by bigger and better are you referring to a news company, instead of a high-school bumblefuck? don’t use “media” to equate dealbreaker to real news (if that is what you were doing).
“high-school bumblefuck” that you apparently take the time to read and comment on.
i know this everett stuckey, and he’s convinced he’s gods gift. that’s why he calls Alan Schwartz son.
Goldman not working out for you anymore everett?
11:41 – youre one of those people that thinks movies like top gun / aspen extreme are bad arent you?
I’m sure Alan asked to have Maria “blow” him, but she was busy..”wink,wink” David was next up.
Don’t do it Bess
it’s past noon and i see 2 stories posted… nice output
Stuckey,
This isn’t working out. It’s not you it’s us. What am I saying, it is you.
Godspeed, my boy. I promise we’ll keep in touch.
person close to the matter, aka my roommate who works at BS, says they dont talk to gasparino anymore bc of soemthing he said (cant remember what exactly). they went on a week-long boycott of cnbc in december bc of it too. guaranteed thats how faber got it.
a word of advice everett. bess and the dearly departed keith hahn have earned the right to a certain arrogance about things like calling alan schwartz “son” because they have earned our respect by good/funny writing on the site for a long time first (maaaaybe carney too, jury is still out but its not really his style anyway). try focussing on actually being funny first, then once we like you then you can focus on being a pompous ass
What’s the big deal that Everett called him son? I greet Alan with a “hey boy” all the time.
@BIG R that is just vague and conceivable enough to be the answer. good job. i propose DB replace stuckey with you
I don’t see the problem. I normally refer to Alan Schwartz as “hey fuckface”
The fact, that I am calling him son is funny. He clearly owns me. The comedic juxtaposition between his seniority and power and the fact I am a mathlexic ADD addled nerdling, who can’t feed and clothe himself make it funny.
And also, that’s “son” as in Dave Chappelle, “listen up son!”
“hey boys, lookie what we got over here”
“where’s the white women at?”
rest of the readers, if you don’t like it. leave. DB can do whatever they’d like. stop your bitching and do some friggin work.
where’s myrna?
i think myrna and keith got married and are off somewhere producing the next generation of super-Bloggers
Note to E.S.: if you have to point out why something is funny, it probably isn’t.
I got the son referenced, I even emitted a slight chuckle; way to go Rupert Everett.
Everett seems awfully condescending considering that you can’t actually “mark the positions back up.”
http://www.investopedia.com/study-guide/cfa-exam/level-1/assets/cfa20.asp
I won’t bother to point out my source for this is a study reference for the first (read: easiest) stage of a common industry exam.
Maybe Bear Sterns would call you back if you made any sense.
Everett seems awfully condescending considering that you can’t actually “mark the positions back up.”
http://www.investopedia.com/study-guide/cfa-exam/level-1/assets/cfa20.asp
I won’t bother to point out my source for this is a study reference for the first (read: easiest) stage of a common industry exam.
Maybe Bear Sterns would call you back if you made any sense.
Yeah 4:11 I don’t think that applies to securities held available for sale. I think they can mark them up and down to their model, “if no reliable market price is available”. I don’t remember my financial accounting that well, CPAs, help me out?
HFS securities are mark to market that is different than asset impairment