So Alan Schwartz took some time away from his victory lap to sit down with David Faber yesterday afternoon. And being the crack business journalist that he is Faber got Schwartz to spill the beans on the turn around plan for Bear Stearns. It includes "execute", take advantage of "market opportunities" and "don't fuck up as much". Schwartz also claims Bear is over capitalized. And by over capitalized, I assume he means "not currently bankrupt."
Since Charlie Gasparino has been all over this story from day one—as long by "day one" you mean that day back in December when he broke the story that the board was looking for a successor to Jimmy Cayne—we wondered why he didn’t get tapped to interview Schwartz. Surely Gasparino has a more intimate knowledge of the situation and could therefore ask more salient questions. We assume Schwartz’s pride is still hurting from all of the Wall Street Journals references to Bear's "Small but respected" investment banking department—no man likes anything about him to be referred to as “small but respected”—and so he might have been a bit sensitive about who he would talk to at “America’s Business Network.”
So we decided to ask CNBC about how the Schwartz interview became a Faber Report. Did Bear Stearns request Faber? Did CNBC choose Faber? Of course, CNBC wouldn’t comment on internal editorial matters. Gasparino says he has no idea how the interview was set up. Bear Stearns told us they would call us back but never did. They totally hate us.
Also, Schwartz claims Bear plans no future write downs due to the current "credit crisis". Listen Alan, TAKE THE WRITE DOWNS. You only get one chance like this. Write everything down. Then if the mark downs were unnecessary mark the positions back up slowly each quarter to pad your freaking numbers, son. What have you been doing all month if it wasn’t learning how this game is played?
--Everett Stuckey, DealBreaker correspondent.
Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 11:20AM
"Great" article -- if by great you mean better than something an autistic 5 year old could write -- Everett!
Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 11:21AM
who is this everett stuckey and where does he get off with the nerve calling a guy like Alan Schwartz "son" ?
Posted by HAM'05 , Jan 10, 2008 11:27AM
i admire his spunk.
just hope bessie's post shoutout doesnt mean she will be leaving us for something bigger and better. i heard traditional media is dead.
Posted by Dave Chappelle , Jan 10, 2008 11:32AM
If these dumbasses had taken the appropriate write-downs in August (instead of falsely reporting 2nd and 3rd Quarter earnings -- SEC investigation anyone?), we would all be in a much better place now. Instead, every single investor has lost confidence in these financial institutions and their phoney valuations so we are all suffering a continous meltdown of epic proprtions. I told you bitches about this in July, but nobody wanted to listen. Now it's too late and very few of us are going to (barely) survive.
Beaten and blodied, but still standing . . . bitches.
Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 11:41AM
@HAM'05 - by bigger and better are you referring to a news company, instead of a high-school bumblefuck? don't use "media" to equate dealbreaker to real news (if that is what you were doing).
Posted by loser , Jan 10, 2008 11:54AM
"high-school bumblefuck" that you apparently take the time to read and comment on.
Posted by woah , Jan 10, 2008 12:11PM
i know this everett stuckey, and he's convinced he's gods gift. that's why he calls Alan Schwartz son.
Goldman not working out for you anymore everett?
Posted by HAM'05 , Jan 10, 2008 12:13PM
11:41 - youre one of those people that thinks movies like top gun / aspen extreme are bad arent you?
Posted by Todd Thompson , Jan 10, 2008 12:14PM
I'm sure Alan asked to have Maria "blow" him, but she was busy.."wink,wink" David was next up.
Posted by ksql , Jan 10, 2008 12:16PM
Don't do it Bess
Posted by dd , Jan 10, 2008 12:25PM
it's past noon and i see 2 stories posted... nice output
Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 12:36PM
Stuckey,
This isn't working out. It's not you it's us. What am I saying, it is you.
Godspeed, my boy. I promise we'll keep in touch.
Posted by big r , Jan 10, 2008 12:50PM
person close to the matter, aka my roommate who works at BS, says they dont talk to gasparino anymore bc of soemthing he said (cant remember what exactly). they went on a week-long boycott of cnbc in december bc of it too. guaranteed thats how faber got it.
Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 1:13PM
a word of advice everett. bess and the dearly departed keith hahn have earned the right to a certain arrogance about things like calling alan schwartz "son" because they have earned our respect by good/funny writing on the site for a long time first (maaaaybe carney too, jury is still out but its not really his style anyway). try focussing on actually being funny first, then once we like you then you can focus on being a pompous ass
Posted by f*stfucker , Jan 10, 2008 1:16PM
What's the big deal that Everett called him son? I greet Alan with a "hey boy" all the time.
Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 1:27PM
@BIG R that is just vague and conceivable enough to be the answer. good job. i propose DB replace stuckey with you
Posted by jag , Jan 10, 2008 1:28PM
I don't see the problem. I normally refer to Alan Schwartz as "hey fuckface"
Posted by Everett Stuckey , Jan 10, 2008 1:28PM
The fact, that I am calling him son is funny. He clearly owns me. The comedic juxtaposition between his seniority and power and the fact I am a mathlexic ADD addled nerdling, who can't feed and clothe himself make it funny.
And also, that's "son" as in Dave Chappelle, "listen up son!"
Posted by the waco kid , Jan 10, 2008 1:43PM
"hey boys, lookie what we got over here"
"where's the white women at?"
Posted by noneed , Jan 10, 2008 1:45PM
rest of the readers, if you don't like it. leave. DB can do whatever they'd like. stop your bitching and do some friggin work.
Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 1:51PM
where's myrna?
Posted by haha myrna, that's so DB retro , Jan 10, 2008 2:27PM
i think myrna and keith got married and are off somewhere producing the next generation of super-Bloggers
Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 2:32PM
Note to E.S.: if you have to point out why something is funny, it probably isn't.
Posted by isiah , Jan 10, 2008 4:03PM
I got the son referenced, I even emitted a slight chuckle; way to go Rupert Everett.
Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 4:11PM
Everett seems awfully condescending considering that you can't actually "mark the positions back up."
http://www.investopedia.com/study-guide/cfa-exam/level-1/assets/cfa20.asp
I won't bother to point out my source for this is a study reference for the first (read: easiest) stage of a common industry exam.
Maybe Bear Sterns would call you back if you made any sense.
Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 4:14PM
Everett seems awfully condescending considering that you can't actually "mark the positions back up."
http://www.investopedia.com/study-guide/cfa-exam/level-1/assets/cfa20.asp
I won't bother to point out my source for this is a study reference for the first (read: easiest) stage of a common industry exam.
Maybe Bear Sterns would call you back if you made any sense.
Posted by Everett Stuckey , Jan 10, 2008 4:27PM
Yeah 4:11 I don't think that applies to securities held available for sale. I think they can mark them up and down to their model, "if no reliable market price is available". I don't remember my financial accounting that well, CPAs, help me out?
Posted by myrna fan, does that harm my credibility? , Jan 11, 2008 8:05AM
HFS securities are mark to market that is different than asset impairment