We think it’s unfair that CNBC anchor Erin Burnett is allegedly taking shit from network brass for being a lover of the finer things in life. So for the rest of January, we’re going to give you 8 Ways To Impress [anchor of your choice]. Today we’ll start with Charlie Gasparino:
1. Buying me a week’s worth of martinis at Tropix (“a great place to relax, have fun and enjoy great pina coladas while listening to cool music and to meet nice people“), my favorite joint in Rego Park, where they have a lax policy on underage drinking, would earn you big points in my book.
2. The proper work out gear keeps me calm when I’m getting pumped. Buy me a ten-pack of Champion sweatshirts. Show me you care by taking the time to cut off the sleeves (so that when I go back to the studio after whaling on my pecs, my veins are exposed for the staff’s leering delight).
3. Finding the high end BowFlex–the one with the pull up bar, not the shitty one I bought for myself last Christmas–at my door would be great.
4. My contributions to literature and understanding are a passion of mine, so a gathering with a roomful of literati and Wall Street titans, especially Dick Grasso and Phil Purcell (if you can find him), to hear me read my favorite passages, would make for an exceptional evening. For all involved.
5. Looking out for my boys is really important to me. Sending some Chinese food and five signed copies of my book to myRego Park crew would be perfection.
6. You could unlock my heart by allowing me to pick my next theme park vacation. Busch Gardens, Wild Water Kingdom, Silver Dollar City, or any of the many Six Flags across the globe (no Eurodisney). I love theme parks, and hope to eventually set foot in 100 of them. I have many more to go.
7. Deli meats are a passion of mine. Buy me enough sooprezat so that I don’t have to get up for a snack while reading the entirety of my latest book in one bathroom sitting.
8. Being “regular” is very important to me. Show me it’s important to you, too, by not fucking bothering me while I’m on the can. On the other hand, if you thought to bringing me some slices of brazuool [NSFW: http://braciola.org/] (and a Heineken to wash it down) while I’m in there, that would be perfection.
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- Use the Bloomberg command
NH BLG_DEALBREAKER <GO>
to access Dealbreaker
don’t forget the gabbagool
I nominate Bess for the Pulitzer. Someone needs to buy this guy a shower, hes an animal. Hes to journalism what Sykes is to trading
Can’t wait to hear what you say about our favorite hottie Liz Claman on Fox Business. our entire hedge fund switched our t.v.s over to Fox B. when she left. She is soooo all that!
So wrong… but it feels so right.
And, hey, fungool… the guy does break some real rumor stories.
Can’t wait to hear what you say about our favorite hottie Liz Claman on Fox Business. our entire hedge fund switched our t.v.s over to Fox B. when she left. She is soooo all that!
Liz Claman looks like she played goalie for the dart team, shes hideous. Trish Regan is cleaarly the cream of the crop.
gasparino sucks, gliesman sucks, JOE K SUCKS AND IS NO LONGER FUNNY IF HE EVER WAS, IDIOT…m haines appears to be a doddering old fool…burnett is a twat…BQ is a dyke…what else? oh yeah, the Bob Pissant guy. FBN sucks too, but at least has hotter women. i keep them on mute and only listen to people i know. no wonder GE is dead money if they can’t produce better people than “Big Nose Buy Me STuff” Burnett, and we already knew Butt-aroma was a skanky ho, so………..
oh my god. there will never be a better dealbreaker post than this.
Liz C probly throws out the best fuck of all of them. The Money Cunty Maria swallows, I’m sure. Big Butt Burnett? You know she won’t go down on anything…except once to get her job.
amazing work bessiecakes.
i guess posts like this will rule out carney from being on CNBC any time soon
I second JMAN 1:08 and Anonymous 1:29 (but not Anonymous 1:31 – “bessiecakes?” not cool). I am doubled over in laughter / pain like Gasparino getting regular.
hahahahah
Bess, even though i know the ways to your heart i think the rest of the world is awaiting your own list.
“Show me you care by taking the time to cut off the sleeves”
DB needs to shut down the shop now. End on a high note, it is all down hill from here.
“Deli meats are a passion of mine.”
Can’t stop laughing.
Biggest Tits on BizTV?
1) Liz C
2) MCaruso
3) MHaines
@ nominate me: agreed.
but my favorite is:
“My contributions to literature and understanding are a passion of mine, so a gathering with a roomful of literati and Wall Street titans, especially Dick Grasso and Phil Purcell (if you can find him), to hear me read my favorite passages, would make for an exceptional evening. For all involved.”
Miss Bess delivers yet again. SHE is perfection.
JMAN likes cock. He calling Liz Claman hideous and crushing all over fat face with the most irratating whiny voice Trish, the cream of the crop? ROTFLMAO!!!
I’m with moneyman, Our floor all switched to Fox when Liz finally reappeared.
Jenna Lee is the future of Fox BN.
also, i am impressed with your committment to repeating this column all month! that’s a lot of work to contact in advance for blogger
No love for Sandra Smith?
oh fuck yeah sandra smith too, how could i forget her and Jenna
bess- this is the funniest thing i have ever read. ever.
“Show me you care by taking the time to cut off the sleeves”
-Bill Belichick
oh fuck yeah sandra smith too, how could i forget her and Jenna
hahahaha
okay this is hysterical but maybe DB should at least try to cover this CFC deal, which will probably be the most important systemic corporate acquisition since hsbc bought household
i care about CFC and yet don’t care about CFC, in the face of this awesomeness. seriously, funniest thing on the internet.
disagree. This is the funniest thing on the interweb. Bess’s post is second.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPP4pNFZeLs
that clip is hilarious. 2nd funniest thing on the internet. bess’s is first.
that clip is hilarious. 2nd funniest thing on the internet. bess’s is first.
i bet that roly poly redhead Brenda Buttnerd is a hot shag, ditto Tracy Byrnes, i mean, she’s got a porn star name face and bod!
too fucking funny bess
Seriously…Rebecca Gomez?! That is one sexy bee-atch.
YES
Go Go Gomez is muy caliente.
bess u is my woman, now
I LOVE COURTNEY REAGEN
That hotlittleheadlinereadingvixen.
Too funny
thanks for the plug ,Tropix is a great place to relax and enjoy cocktails,however,we are very strict on underage drinking,dont know where you got your info??
http://191436.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/Article/Index/article/Gasparino-Suck-3774834
[...] he consumed many a vodka martini, doused his meat in ketchup and affirmed his commitment to “staying regular” by downing a bunch of bran muffins. Unlike his last food diary, in which Gaspo confessed to [...]