Map To Charlie Gasparino's Heart: CliffsNotes Edition

Posted by Bess Levin, Jan 10, 2008, 12:55pm

charlie gasparino.jpgWe think it's unfair that CNBC anchor Erin Burnett is allegedly taking shit from network brass for being a lover of the finer things in life. So for the rest of January, we're going to give you 8 Ways To Impress [anchor of your choice]. Today we'll start with Charlie Gasparino:

1. Buying me a week's worth of martinis at Tropix ("a great place to relax, have fun and enjoy great pina coladas while listening to cool music and to meet nice people"), my favorite joint in Rego Park, where they have a lax policy on underage drinking, would earn you big points in my book.

2. The proper work out gear keeps me calm when I'm getting pumped. Buy me a ten-pack of Champion sweatshirts. Show me you care by taking the time to cut off the sleeves (so that when I go back to the studio after whaling on my pecs, my veins are exposed for the staff's leering delight).

3. Finding the high end BowFlex--the one with the pull up bar, not the shitty one I bought for myself last Christmas--at my door would be great.

4. My contributions to literature and understanding are a passion of mine, so a gathering with a roomful of literati and Wall Street titans, especially Dick Grasso and Phil Purcell (if you can find him), to hear me read my favorite passages, would make for an exceptional evening. For all involved.

5. Looking out for my boys is really important to me. Sending some Chinese food and five signed copies of my book to myRego Park crew would be perfection.

6. You could unlock my heart by allowing me to pick my next theme park vacation. Busch Gardens, Wild Water Kingdom, Silver Dollar City, or any of the many Six Flags across the globe (no Eurodisney). I love theme parks, and hope to eventually set foot in 100 of them. I have many more to go.

7. Deli meats are a passion of mine. Buy me enough sooprezat so that I don't have to get up for a snack while reading the entirety of my latest book in one bathroom sitting.

8. Being "regular" is very important to me. Show me it's important to you, too, by not fucking bothering me while I'm on the can. On the other hand, if you thought to bringing me some slices of brazuool [NSFW: http://braciola.org/] (and a Heineken to wash it down) while I'm in there, that would be perfection.

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Posted in: CNBC

Comments

Posted by Seton Hall '07, Jan 10, 2008 1:06PM

don't forget the gabbagool

Posted by JMAN, Jan 10, 2008 1:08PM

I nominate Bess for the Pulitzer. Someone needs to buy this guy a shower, hes an animal. Hes to journalism what Sykes is to trading

Posted by moneyman, Jan 10, 2008 1:13PM

Can't wait to hear what you say about our favorite hottie Liz Claman on Fox Business. our entire hedge fund switched our t.v.s over to Fox B. when she left. She is soooo all that!

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 1:16PM

So wrong... but it feels so right.

And, hey, fungool... the guy does break some real rumor stories.

Posted by moneyman, Jan 10, 2008 1:16PM

Can't wait to hear what you say about our favorite hottie Liz Claman on Fox Business. our entire hedge fund switched our t.v.s over to Fox B. when she left. She is soooo all that!

Posted by JMAN, Jan 10, 2008 1:21PM

Liz Claman looks like she played goalie for the dart team, shes hideous. Trish Regan is cleaarly the cream of the crop.

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 1:25PM

gasparino sucks, gliesman sucks, JOE K SUCKS AND IS NO LONGER FUNNY IF HE EVER WAS, IDIOT...m haines appears to be a doddering old fool...burnett is a twat...BQ is a dyke...what else? oh yeah, the Bob Pissant guy. FBN sucks too, but at least has hotter women. i keep them on mute and only listen to people i know. no wonder GE is dead money if they can't produce better people than "Big Nose Buy Me STuff" Burnett, and we already knew Butt-aroma was a skanky ho, so...........

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 1:26PM

oh my god. there will never be a better dealbreaker post than this.

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 1:29PM

Liz C probly throws out the best fuck of all of them. The Money Cunty Maria swallows, I'm sure. Big Butt Burnett? You know she won't go down on anything...except once to get her job.

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 1:31PM

amazing work bessiecakes.

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 1:36PM

i guess posts like this will rule out carney from being on CNBC any time soon

Posted by Anonymous, Jan 10, 2008 1:38PM

I second JMAN 1:08 and Anonymous 1:29 (but not Anonymous 1:31 - "bessiecakes?" not cool). I am doubled over in laughter / pain like Gasparino getting regular.

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 1:41PM

hahahahah

Posted by 1-2, Jan 10, 2008 1:41PM

Bess, even though i know the ways to your heart i think the rest of the world is awaiting your own list.

Posted by no one is funnier than bess, Jan 10, 2008 1:49PM

"Show me you care by taking the time to cut off the sleeves"

Posted by Nominate me, Jan 10, 2008 1:53PM

DB needs to shut down the shop now. End on a high note, it is all down hill from here.

"Deli meats are a passion of mine."

Can't stop laughing.

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 1:56PM

Biggest Tits on BizTV?

1) Liz C
2) MCaruso
3) MHaines

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 2:00PM

@ nominate me: agreed.

but my favorite is:

"My contributions to literature and understanding are a passion of mine, so a gathering with a roomful of literati and Wall Street titans, especially Dick Grasso and Phil Purcell (if you can find him), to hear me read my favorite passages, would make for an exceptional evening. For all involved."

Posted by CAV, Jan 10, 2008 2:08PM

Miss Bess delivers yet again. SHE is perfection.

Posted by Mike, Jan 10, 2008 2:17PM

JMAN likes cock. He calling Liz Claman hideous and crushing all over fat face with the most irratating whiny voice Trish, the cream of the crop? ROTFLMAO!!!

I'm with moneyman, Our floor all switched to Fox when Liz finally reappeared.

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 2:25PM

Jenna Lee is the future of Fox BN.

also, i am impressed with your committment to repeating this column all month! that's a lot of work to contact in advance for blogger

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 2:54PM

No love for Sandra Smith?

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 2:57PM

oh fuck yeah sandra smith too, how could i forget her and Jenna

Posted by bravo, Jan 10, 2008 3:03PM

bess- this is the funniest thing i have ever read. ever.

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 3:05PM

"Show me you care by taking the time to cut off the sleeves"

-Bill Belichick

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 3:06PM

oh fuck yeah sandra smith too, how could i forget her and Jenna

Posted by amazing work, Jan 10, 2008 3:10PM

hahahaha

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 3:23PM

okay this is hysterical but maybe DB should at least try to cover this CFC deal, which will probably be the most important systemic corporate acquisition since hsbc bought household

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 3:26PM

i care about CFC and yet don't care about CFC, in the face of this awesomeness. seriously, funniest thing on the internet.

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 3:42PM

disagree. This is the funniest thing on the interweb. Bess's post is second.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPP4pNFZeLs

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 3:44PM

that clip is hilarious. 2nd funniest thing on the internet. bess's is first.

Posted by ten champion sweatshirts, Jan 10, 2008 3:51PM

that clip is hilarious. 2nd funniest thing on the internet. bess's is first.

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 4:11PM

i bet that roly poly redhead Brenda Buttnerd is a hot shag, ditto Tracy Byrnes, i mean, she's got a porn star name face and bod!

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 4:15PM

too fucking funny bess

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 4:26PM

Seriously...Rebecca Gomez?! That is one sexy bee-atch.

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 4:42PM

YES

Go Go Gomez is muy caliente.

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 4:55PM

bess u is my woman, now

Posted by , Jan 10, 2008 9:01PM

I LOVE COURTNEY REAGEN

That hotlittleheadlinereadingvixen.

Posted by Finn, Jan 11, 2008 1:11AM

Too funny

Posted by gary taylor, Jan 19, 2008 1:19PM

thanks for the plug ,Tropix is a great place to relax and enjoy cocktails,however,we are very strict on underage drinking,dont know where you got your info??

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