bonuses, Merrill Lynch

Setting The Story Straight On The Merrill Bonus Rage

MerrillLynchDumpOnYourDesk.jpgEarlier this afternoon, CNBC’s Charlie Gasparino reported that some guy in Merrill Lynch’s fixed income research group had “inappropriately relieved” himself in protest of the downsizing of his bonus. Merrill has officially explained that this was simply an unfortunate accident, and then the bank turned red and scurried to the other side of the room.
We’ve been digging into this story because the way it’s told by the delicate souls at CNBC, it’s way to vague. What worse, the vagueness is giving rise to rumors that are totally untrue. It’s fast becoming the Wall Street equivalent of an urban legends. Here’s what didn’t happen: a guy did not urinate on his desk because he was “pissed off.” The real story is so much worse.
In the first place, it wasn’t piss. It was shit. DealBreaker can confirm this much. After that the details get a bit fuzzy. The way we first heard it is that a guy took a dump in the rest room, stomped in it, and then dragged it all over the place by walking around with it on his shoes. Merrill’s story is that there was “an unfortunate accident” in one of the stalls—which we take to mean that some guy smeared his shit all over the bathroom because how the Hell could you miss the toilet—and that another person inadvertently stepped in it and tracked it all over.
So now you know.

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96 Responses to “Setting The Story Straight On The Merrill Bonus Rage”

  1. Cayne's roach clip says:

    If the bathroom version is true, than the anger is really misdirected. The real suffering goes to the poor janitor who has to clean that up. That poor guys has nothing to do with the poor bonus #’s.
    A better solution would be to make a drunk weekend trek to your MD’s house, and drop one off in his mail box.

  2. Nominate me says:

    @ roach clip
    You are 100% correct, the poor bastard who would sell a kidney for a “shitty” (see what I did there) $50k bonus has to deal with aftermash.
    Is a burning sack of poo an option on Wall Street? Seems to be a better use of a steamy deuce.

  3. not Patel says:

    When you gotta go, you gotta go…

  4. Ken Lewis says:

    At least the janitor is getting is paid

  5. Falcon says:

    The truth is that some guy on the 20th flooor upper decked one of the stalls… far less dirty, much more funny.

  6. jag says:

    Glad to see that Merrill corporate culture has survived the recent management shake up. Stay classy, you fat smelly retail brokers!

  7. jojo says:

    was there any corn identified in the deucage?

  8. jojo says:

    was there any corn identified in the deucage?

  9. Anonymous says:

    If you’ve been wronged, you do something either brave or constructive about it. You don’t shit someplace anonymously. This is so fucked and cowardly.
    Could be though that the guy already spent not only this year’s bonus but next year’s too, in which case he basically went postal.

  10. jojo says:

    was there any corn identified in the deucage?

  11. Anonymous says:

    how do you upper deck a commercial toilet with no tank? I believe the poo on the floor story

  12. Anonymous says:

    @2:44 Actually, the retail guys are doing good, fat or not. Its the presumably good looking institutional side of the biz that’s causing all the problems.

  13. Anonymous says:

    @2:44 Actually, the retail guys are doing good, fat or not. Its the presumably good looking institutional side of the biz that’s causing all the problems.

  14. Joe says:

    I think “was there any corn identified in the deucage?” may be the best DB comment of all time. I’m glad it got posted three times, though I’m not sure that’s enough.

  15. Joe says:

    I think “was there any corn identified in the deucage?” may be the best DB comment of all time. I’m glad it got posted three times, though I’m not sure that’s enough.

  16. Consultant says:

    did this guy happen to take out a Bear Stearns collateralized subprime loan too?
    LMFAO

  17. Lumbergh says:

    Haha…that is THE funniest thing I’ve ever read on DB. And the graphic is golden. These greedy d-bags should be thankful they’re getting paid so much to contribute absolutely nothing to society. I expect this behavior from Wells Fargo but not Merrill.

  18. Anon says:

    was there any corn identified in the deucage?

  19. anonymous says:

    I bet they could use DNA to identify the person and take recourse against him

  20. Anon says:

    It was me.

  21. k says:

    was there any corn identified in the deucage?

  22. Anonymous says:

    The guy was just delivering a “Holiday log” a little late… Merry Christmas! Happy Kwanza! Joy to the World!

  23. Marsel Shacon says:

    This is really “Sick” but good for a Friday!! What is this world coming to??

  24. Marsel Shacon says:

    This is really “Sick” but good for a Friday!! What is this world coming to??

  25. Willie the Janitor says:

    I had to clean it all up. I think the paint was peelin’ off the walls.

  26. k says:

    was there any corn identified in the deucage?

  27. C-Dubs says:

    I have a friend in OPS who just checked FID and Equities…COMPLETELY FALSE!
    U lazy f4cktards are too hungover from a thurs nite happy hour you got nothin else to do! No wonder everyone got sh1tty bonuses this year!

  28. Anonymous says:

    All the freaky IBs with scat fantasies have already unloaded at their desks… Can those with ‘wet’ dreams be far behind? Don’t let that guy near the water cooler.

  29. LexSteelz says:

    Ran this by with one of my boys over at the World Financial and he claims to have checked every bathroom on both Fixed Income floors and the Equities floor and swears it’s not true…until he checked his own shoes.
    BTW, Lumbergh, get back to watching your AppleBee’s training video…

  30. LexSteelz says:

    Ran this by with one of my boys over at the World Financial and he claims to have checked every bathroom on both Fixed Income floors and the Equities floor and swears it’s not true…until he checked his own shoes.
    BTW, Lumbergh, get back to watching your AppleBee’s training video…

  31. Crapshooter says:

    Reminds me of this story:
    (Bath)room For Improvement At Firm
    The restrooms at Bridgewater Associates apparently have gone to pot-ty, and the firm, flooded by complaints from staffers about the horrid conditions, turned to an e-mail campaign to help flush out the perpetrators and restore the facilities to a relatively pristine state. Now, getting office staff to cooperate in housekeeping matters is always a crapshoot, but Bridgewater could no longer stall taking action, as a “serious cleanliness issue” overflowed. Recently, the firm circulated an internal e-mail stating that employees have found “very unsettling” and “disturbing” the conditions cropping up in the bathroom. The e-mail did not detail the actual problem it identified, but in a delicate way did advise, “If at any time you are not feeling well or experience extreme sickness, please advise someone on the Facilities team so that an ‘out of order’ sign can temporarily be placed [on] that particular stall or restroom while the necessary people who can properly disinfect and sterilize the area, are contacted.” The clean-up crew usually reports after 5 p.m

  32. girl says:

    i’m literally laughing so hard i’m crying

  33. FGT says:

    Now this is news I can use! Please stop trying to do posts on serious business topics (they only make you look bad), and stick to stuff like this.

  34. FGT says:

    Now this is news I can use! Please stop trying to do posts on serious business topics (they only make you look bad), and stick to stuff like this.

  35. Happy says:

    He called the shit poop!

  36. Anonymous says:

    Got the word from someone in FI sales that this was indeed true.

  37. mbaer says:

    hilarious if it is true..

  38. Bud Fox says:

    Will this show up on my performance review?

  39. Johnny banker says:

    Well, I heard it was on the 19th fl……… this is crazy, I am getting calls from friends asking me about this story……

  40. Joe B. from NJ says:

    This person has no skill. I mean who would get poop on their own shoe.

  41. anonymous says:

    I bet they could use DNA to identify the person and take recourse against him

  42. Anonymous says:

    d rhatigan does it everyday in Ft Lee if he’s still hungover.

  43. jan scott says:

    what will brown do for you

  44. Anonymous says:

    It was on the 19th floor and is true….they changed the wallpaper in the bathroom this morning.

  45. Anonymous says:

    This sounds like some bullshit. Get it. Bull (Merrill) shit (poop).

  46. jojo says:

    did anyone gather the width and diameter, im thinking a 4-7 market

  47. ExSovereignWealthy says:

    Nice maturity level from the supposed elite of NYC, esp. considering that whatever this guy makes is probably a multiple of what the average NYer does. Sounds like somebody misses the frathouse a bit too much.

  48. Rita says:

    That’s not that crazy! Sometimes I play with a little bit of my poop in the workplace…makes me feel alive.

  49. 2WTC63Fl says:

    The spirit of Jerry Finneran lives!

  50. former Merrill analyst says:

    What’s funny to me is that this person had to have been at least at the associate level or higher. Analysts don’t get paid until summer!

  51. former Merrill analyst says:

    What’s funny to me is that this person had to have been at the Associate level or higher. Analysts don’t get bonuses until summer!

  52. joe says:

    How many Courics was the shit?

  53. Mike says:

    they should take a DNA sample, then throw the book at the guy.

  54. Iowa Boy says:

    If corn was found, better hold on to it. That corn will end up being more valuable then any of the bonuses.

  55. Anonymous says:

    Funny, just got a bloomberg from our broker at merrill offering “more defeased floaters”

  56. Anonymous says:

    Funny, just got a bloomberg from our broker at merrill offering “more defeased floaters”

  57. Anonymous says:

    Funny, just got a bloomberg message from a broker at Merrill offering “more defeased floaters”

  58. Anonymous says:

    Funny, just got a bloomberg from our broker at merrill offering “more defeased floaters”

  59. slimjim says:

    what ever happened to just taking a poop in the urinal. Good clean american fun for the people who come in after and discover it.

  60. Anonymous says:

    Quadrooplicate!

  61. Anonymous says:

    Was it brown, Michael?

  62. Anon says:

    Was it brown, Michael?

  63. blah says:

    0 bonus 1 cup?

  64. Iowa Boy says:

    If corn was found, better hold on to it. That corn will end up being more valuable then any of the bonuses.

  65. John Amaechi says:

    I find this picture offensive, not all blacks fling poop.

  66. J McGreevey says:

    i think slimjim plays with his own shit

  67. Levittown says:

    On Wall Street shit goes from the boardroom to the bathroom and back again to be given to their clientele as
    hot inside stuff.

  68. I always knew Merrill Lynch must be a crappy place to work.

  69. I always knew Merrill Lynch must be a crappy place to work.

  70. Betty Boop says:

    Funny, the specialty in the cafeteria was bean burrito…

  71. slimjim says:

    I feel bad for the poor wetback who has to clean that up.

  72. chad says:

    Much like high school shootings, this will be a catalyst to dozens of similar acts. I don’t think a single trader is going to be able to get through 2008 without some form of Hepatitis.
    They’re going to have to start putting poop wind shield wipers on all the monitors.

  73. Seton Hall '07 says:

    i can see dropping a deuce on the floor, either in the bathroom or on the desk. the smearing with one’s own shoes is where i draw the line

  74. John Amaechi says:

    You can smear some poop on me.

  75. astounded says:

    Wow. No doubt this moron will head right to the shoeshine guys on the floor with his Cole Haans, after the cleaning person has cleaned up his shit.
    Here’s the thing: these guys are not elite by any other measure besides money. The better than average ones make about a hundred times what a nurse makes per year, maybe ten times what a family doctor makes, and this is their quality humor.
    And they get rich by churning bubbles. There are greater externalities to the game than the smell of shit wafting through the Merrill trading floor.
    Burn, man.

  76. becjt says:

    What tower 4 WFC??

  77. Anonymous says:

    @4:55 Cole Haans at work? Where are you Iowa?

  78. becky says:

    What tower 4 WFC??

  79. Anonymous says:

    @4:55 Correction: Cole HAHNS at work? Where are you Iowa?

  80. Willie the Janitor says:

    I’m serious, someone left a big ol’ smelly dump in the bathroom and if I gotta clean one more of them logs, I’m gonna urinize in someone’s gas tank!

  81. KY says:

    haha. i too got squeezed by mother merrill and so I slid my 1st yr analyst bonus check back across the desk of the future global head of Inv. Banking and said “keep it. apparantly you need it more than i do.” i walked out and when the check reappeared in my mailbox… i spent it all on one of the greatest rooftop parties ever to hit manhattan. hell, we even had midget bartenders.

  82. Anonymous says:

    Not surprised most people in the finance industry are huge d bags, I guess the tasteless responses arent surprising either.

  83. larry balboa says:

    Schmidt?

  84. anon says:

    was there any corn identified in the deucage?

  85. Anonymous says:

    I miss banking. They just don’t have the same sense of humor / revenge in pe. Good times.

  86. Sean says:

    Maybe this guy should’ve felt lucky he even got a bonus. Most Americans nowadays are getting pay cuts, laid off, no vacation time, no sick pay, no bonuses and no pay raises. Yeah it sucks that mutil-billion dollar corporations are ripping everyone off, but some bonus is better than no bonus.

  87. Mike says:

    Perhaps this is the Wall Street version of “going Postal”?

  88. I'm so outta here says:

    Wachovia Bonuses Out and Suck
    Flies on the wall – the VPs and Associates – were really screwed. Fixed income bonuses down from last year by 80% to infinity (that’s right, some got nada). So if your base + bonus last year was $300K, this year it was marketed as 40% of last year’s total comp. If your base this year was $100K, guess what your bonus was. Yes, you are right, $20K. And just for fun, part of that is deferred over 3 years, because you are a “highly compensated employee”. So you actually get a $15K bonus, or $8K after tax.
    The low performers at Wachovia who got laid off in 2 rounds got paid more (25% of last year’s bonus + 3- 6 month’s pay = 50% of last year’s bonus). In my example above, the poor Associate/VP got 10% of her bonus. Shit, even my friends in non-fiance corporations work half the hours and have half the stress made the same amount.
    On the other hand an MD, for example, made $2MM last year. He goes home this year with a $650K bonus ( = $2MM x 40% – base).
    On the Corporate Finance / Equity sides, bonuses were down 20 – 30% from last year.
    So, let me summarize this for you:
    (1) A VP gets $20K for performing above expectations and an MD gets $650K for making bad calls and losing money.
    (2) The low performers that were let go get paid more, and are on payrolls for 3 – 6 months without the need to come to work. The high performers that were retained busted their ass for the next 4 months and got paid shit.
    (3) First year Associates in corporate finance with 0.5 years of experience got paid more dollars than VPs in fixed income with 5 years of experience.
    Great strategy Wachovia. You now have totally demotivated and disinterested the high performers in your money making machine (As is well known, fixed income has always made most of the money for Wachovia, not corporate finance or equities). These high performers will leave at the first chance they get…3 months, 6 months, 1 year…doesn’t matter, they will leave. Unless 6 months from now you start scrambling and giving them retainers. Great strategy Wachovia.
    Wonder which Charlotte Ken is dumber – The Ken on Tryon St for buying Countrywide, or the Ken on College St for ensuring that his banking money machine, or what’s left of it, dies in 2008 as people leave. Headhunters, you know where to look for high quality talent motivated to leave.

  89. Jesse says:

    A more effective move would be to have taken a dump in his boss’ inbox or lap drawer, or even the front seat of his Mercedes two seater, while his boss was in it.

  90. Anonymous says:

    3:29 Tryon St? College St? Obviously a Charlotte inside joke. The “high performers” you talk about are big fish in a little pond. Beleive me, the world is not standing by itching to scoop them up.

  91. Anonymous says:

    @3:29 Tryon St, College St: is this a Charlotte inside joke? These wronged VP’s are big fish in a very small pond. Believe me, no one is itching to recruit them.

  92. Anonymous says:

    bet you get a lot of house in Charlotte for $20K

  93. rob says:

    i heard he was relieved of his doodies…

  94. nemo says:

    do you seriously think a guy would through his shit around if he would have been cut a couple of hundreds of thousands?well, according to some of you these guys are swimming in millions, not true… their bosses may be, but not the ones who make enough to afford a phone booth like apartment and make a living for their families. so, believe it or not, sometimes it’s actually logical to take a shit on your desk, after spending all the week-ends at it in hope of getting smth in reward:)

  95. west coast bankin' says:

    8:01 — no sh*t. ;-)

  96. […] assumed having the firm listed as a one-time employer on the résumé would be the equivalent of pulling a Merrill, i.e. it would make you categorically unemployable. Apparently these people had never heard of a […]

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