Earlier this afternoon, CNBC’s Charlie Gasparino reported that some guy in Merrill Lynch’s fixed income research group had “inappropriately relieved” himself in protest of the downsizing of his bonus. Merrill has officially explained that this was simply an unfortunate accident, and then the bank turned red and scurried to the other side of the room.
We’ve been digging into this story because the way it’s told by the delicate souls at CNBC, it’s way to vague. What worse, the vagueness is giving rise to rumors that are totally untrue. It's fast becoming the Wall Street equivalent of an urban legends. Here’s what didn’t happen: a guy did not urinate on his desk because he was “pissed off.” The real story is so much worse.
In the first place, it wasn’t piss. It was shit. DealBreaker can confirm this much. After that the details get a bit fuzzy. The way we first heard it is that a guy took a dump in the rest room, stomped in it, and then dragged it all over the place by walking around with it on his shoes. Merrill’s story is that there was “an unfortunate accident” in one of the stalls—which we take to mean that some guy smeared his shit all over the bathroom because how the Hell could you miss the toilet—and that another person inadvertently stepped in it and tracked it all over.
So now you know.
Posted by Cayne's roach clip , Jan 11, 2008 2:29PM
If the bathroom version is true, than the anger is really misdirected. The real suffering goes to the poor janitor who has to clean that up. That poor guys has nothing to do with the poor bonus #'s.
A better solution would be to make a drunk weekend trek to your MD's house, and drop one off in his mail box.
Posted by Nominate me , Jan 11, 2008 2:35PM
@ roach clip
You are 100% correct, the poor bastard who would sell a kidney for a "shitty" (see what I did there) $50k bonus has to deal with aftermash.
Is a burning sack of poo an option on Wall Street? Seems to be a better use of a steamy deuce.
Posted by not Patel , Jan 11, 2008 2:38PM
When you gotta go, you gotta go...
Posted by Ken Lewis , Jan 11, 2008 2:41PM
At least the janitor is getting is paid
Posted by Falcon , Jan 11, 2008 2:41PM
The truth is that some guy on the 20th flooor upper decked one of the stalls... far less dirty, much more funny.
Posted by jag , Jan 11, 2008 2:44PM
Glad to see that Merrill corporate culture has survived the recent management shake up. Stay classy, you fat smelly retail brokers!
Posted by jojo , Jan 11, 2008 2:44PM
was there any corn identified in the deucage?
Posted by jojo , Jan 11, 2008 2:45PM
was there any corn identified in the deucage?
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 2:45PM
If you've been wronged, you do something either brave or constructive about it. You don't shit someplace anonymously. This is so fucked and cowardly.
Could be though that the guy already spent not only this year's bonus but next year's too, in which case he basically went postal.
Posted by jojo , Jan 11, 2008 2:46PM
was there any corn identified in the deucage?
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 2:48PM
how do you upper deck a commercial toilet with no tank? I believe the poo on the floor story
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 2:48PM
@2:44 Actually, the retail guys are doing good, fat or not. Its the presumably good looking institutional side of the biz that's causing all the problems.
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 2:50PM
@2:44 Actually, the retail guys are doing good, fat or not. Its the presumably good looking institutional side of the biz that's causing all the problems.
Posted by Joe , Jan 11, 2008 2:57PM
I think "was there any corn identified in the deucage?" may be the best DB comment of all time. I'm glad it got posted three times, though I'm not sure that's enough.
Posted by Joe , Jan 11, 2008 2:58PM
I think "was there any corn identified in the deucage?" may be the best DB comment of all time. I'm glad it got posted three times, though I'm not sure that's enough.
Posted by Consultant , Jan 11, 2008 3:00PM
did this guy happen to take out a Bear Stearns collateralized subprime loan too?
LMFAO
Posted by Lumbergh , Jan 11, 2008 3:01PM
Haha...that is THE funniest thing I've ever read on DB. And the graphic is golden. These greedy d-bags should be thankful they're getting paid so much to contribute absolutely nothing to society. I expect this behavior from Wells Fargo but not Merrill.
Posted by Anon , Jan 11, 2008 3:04PM
was there any corn identified in the deucage?
Posted by anonymous , Jan 11, 2008 3:04PM
I bet they could use DNA to identify the person and take recourse against him
Posted by Anon , Jan 11, 2008 3:08PM
It was me.
Posted by k , Jan 11, 2008 3:08PM
was there any corn identified in the deucage?
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 3:09PM
The guy was just delivering a "Holiday log" a little late... Merry Christmas! Happy Kwanza! Joy to the World!
Posted by Marsel Shacon , Jan 11, 2008 3:09PM
This is really "Sick" but good for a Friday!! What is this world coming to??
Posted by Marsel Shacon , Jan 11, 2008 3:10PM
This is really "Sick" but good for a Friday!! What is this world coming to??
Posted by Willie the Janitor , Jan 11, 2008 3:12PM
I had to clean it all up. I think the paint was peelin' off the walls.
Posted by k , Jan 11, 2008 3:14PM
was there any corn identified in the deucage?
Posted by C-Dubs , Jan 11, 2008 3:14PM
I have a friend in OPS who just checked FID and Equities...COMPLETELY FALSE!
U lazy f4cktards are too hungover from a thurs nite happy hour you got nothin else to do! No wonder everyone got sh1tty bonuses this year!
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 3:17PM
All the freaky IBs with scat fantasies have already unloaded at their desks... Can those with 'wet' dreams be far behind? Don't let that guy near the water cooler.
Posted by LexSteelz , Jan 11, 2008 3:18PM
Ran this by with one of my boys over at the World Financial and he claims to have checked every bathroom on both Fixed Income floors and the Equities floor and swears it's not true...until he checked his own shoes.
BTW, Lumbergh, get back to watching your AppleBee's training video...
Posted by LexSteelz , Jan 11, 2008 3:21PM
Ran this by with one of my boys over at the World Financial and he claims to have checked every bathroom on both Fixed Income floors and the Equities floor and swears it's not true...until he checked his own shoes.
BTW, Lumbergh, get back to watching your AppleBee's training video...
Posted by Crapshooter , Jan 11, 2008 3:22PM
Reminds me of this story:
(Bath)room For Improvement At Firm
The restrooms at Bridgewater Associates apparently have gone to pot-ty, and the firm, flooded by complaints from staffers about the horrid conditions, turned to an e-mail campaign to help flush out the perpetrators and restore the facilities to a relatively pristine state. Now, getting office staff to cooperate in housekeeping matters is always a crapshoot, but Bridgewater could no longer stall taking action, as a "serious cleanliness issue" overflowed. Recently, the firm circulated an internal e-mail stating that employees have found "very unsettling" and "disturbing" the conditions cropping up in the bathroom. The e-mail did not detail the actual problem it identified, but in a delicate way did advise, "If at any time you are not feeling well or experience extreme sickness, please advise someone on the Facilities team so that an 'out of order' sign can temporarily be placed [on] that particular stall or restroom while the necessary people who can properly disinfect and sterilize the area, are contacted." The clean-up crew usually reports after 5 p.m
Posted by girl , Jan 11, 2008 3:25PM
i'm literally laughing so hard i'm crying
Posted by FGT , Jan 11, 2008 3:28PM
Now this is news I can use! Please stop trying to do posts on serious business topics (they only make you look bad), and stick to stuff like this.
Posted by FGT , Jan 11, 2008 3:28PM
Now this is news I can use! Please stop trying to do posts on serious business topics (they only make you look bad), and stick to stuff like this.
Posted by Happy , Jan 11, 2008 3:30PM
He called the shit poop!
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 3:31PM
Got the word from someone in FI sales that this was indeed true.
Posted by mbaer , Jan 11, 2008 3:32PM
hilarious if it is true..
Posted by Bud Fox , Jan 11, 2008 3:36PM
Will this show up on my performance review?
Posted by Johnny banker , Jan 11, 2008 3:37PM
Well, I heard it was on the 19th fl......... this is crazy, I am getting calls from friends asking me about this story......
Posted by Joe B. from NJ , Jan 11, 2008 3:39PM
This person has no skill. I mean who would get poop on their own shoe.
Posted by anonymous , Jan 11, 2008 3:44PM
I bet they could use DNA to identify the person and take recourse against him
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 3:44PM
d rhatigan does it everyday in Ft Lee if he's still hungover.
Posted by jan scott , Jan 11, 2008 3:47PM
what will brown do for you
Posted by Anonymous , Jan 11, 2008 3:48PM
It was on the 19th floor and is true....they changed the wallpaper in the bathroom this morning.
Posted by Anonymous , Jan 11, 2008 3:58PM
This sounds like some bullshit. Get it. Bull (Merrill) shit (poop).
Posted by jojo , Jan 11, 2008 4:06PM
did anyone gather the width and diameter, im thinking a 4-7 market
Posted by ExSovereignWealthy , Jan 11, 2008 4:08PM
Nice maturity level from the supposed elite of NYC, esp. considering that whatever this guy makes is probably a multiple of what the average NYer does. Sounds like somebody misses the frathouse a bit too much.
Posted by Rita , Jan 11, 2008 4:12PM
That's not that crazy! Sometimes I play with a little bit of my poop in the workplace...makes me feel alive.
Posted by 2WTC63Fl , Jan 11, 2008 4:14PM
The spirit of Jerry Finneran lives!
Posted by former Merrill analyst , Jan 11, 2008 4:16PM
What's funny to me is that this person had to have been at least at the associate level or higher. Analysts don't get paid until summer!
Posted by former Merrill analyst , Jan 11, 2008 4:17PM
What's funny to me is that this person had to have been at the Associate level or higher. Analysts don't get bonuses until summer!
Posted by joe , Jan 11, 2008 4:18PM
How many Courics was the shit?
Posted by Mike , Jan 11, 2008 4:25PM
they should take a DNA sample, then throw the book at the guy.
Posted by Iowa Boy , Jan 11, 2008 4:26PM
If corn was found, better hold on to it. That corn will end up being more valuable then any of the bonuses.
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 4:26PM
Funny, just got a bloomberg from our broker at merrill offering "more defeased floaters"
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 4:27PM
Funny, just got a bloomberg from our broker at merrill offering "more defeased floaters"
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 4:29PM
Funny, just got a bloomberg message from a broker at Merrill offering "more defeased floaters"
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 4:29PM
Funny, just got a bloomberg from our broker at merrill offering "more defeased floaters"
Posted by slimjim , Jan 11, 2008 4:31PM
what ever happened to just taking a poop in the urinal. Good clean american fun for the people who come in after and discover it.
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 4:33PM
Quadrooplicate!
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 4:35PM
Was it brown, Michael?
Posted by Anon , Jan 11, 2008 4:36PM
Was it brown, Michael?
Posted by blah , Jan 11, 2008 4:36PM
0 bonus 1 cup?
Posted by Iowa Boy , Jan 11, 2008 4:37PM
If corn was found, better hold on to it. That corn will end up being more valuable then any of the bonuses.
Posted by John Amaechi , Jan 11, 2008 4:37PM
I find this picture offensive, not all blacks fling poop.
Posted by J McGreevey , Jan 11, 2008 4:40PM
i think slimjim plays with his own shit
Posted by Levittown , Jan 11, 2008 4:40PM
On Wall Street shit goes from the boardroom to the bathroom and back again to be given to their clientele as
hot inside stuff.
Posted by Southern Beale , Jan 11, 2008 4:44PM
I always knew Merrill Lynch must be a crappy place to work.
Posted by Southern Beale , Jan 11, 2008 4:45PM
I always knew Merrill Lynch must be a crappy place to work.
Posted by Betty Boop , Jan 11, 2008 4:45PM
Funny, the specialty in the cafeteria was bean burrito...
Posted by slimjim , Jan 11, 2008 4:46PM
I feel bad for the poor wetback who has to clean that up.
Posted by chad , Jan 11, 2008 4:46PM
Much like high school shootings, this will be a catalyst to dozens of similar acts. I don't think a single trader is going to be able to get through 2008 without some form of Hepatitis.
They're going to have to start putting poop wind shield wipers on all the monitors.
Posted by Seton Hall '07 , Jan 11, 2008 4:48PM
i can see dropping a deuce on the floor, either in the bathroom or on the desk. the smearing with one's own shoes is where i draw the line
Posted by John Amaechi , Jan 11, 2008 4:52PM
You can smear some poop on me.
Posted by astounded , Jan 11, 2008 4:55PM
Wow. No doubt this moron will head right to the shoeshine guys on the floor with his Cole Haans, after the cleaning person has cleaned up his shit.
Here's the thing: these guys are not elite by any other measure besides money. The better than average ones make about a hundred times what a nurse makes per year, maybe ten times what a family doctor makes, and this is their quality humor.
And they get rich by churning bubbles. There are greater externalities to the game than the smell of shit wafting through the Merrill trading floor.
Burn, man.
Posted by becjt , Jan 11, 2008 4:55PM
What tower 4 WFC??
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 4:59PM
@4:55 Cole Haans at work? Where are you Iowa?
Posted by becky , Jan 11, 2008 5:00PM
What tower 4 WFC??
Posted by , Jan 11, 2008 5:00PM
@4:55 Correction: Cole HAHNS at work? Where are you Iowa?
Posted by Willie the Janitor , Jan 11, 2008 5:13PM
I'm serious, someone left a big ol' smelly dump in the bathroom and if I gotta clean one more of them logs, I'm gonna urinize in someone's gas tank!
Posted by KY , Jan 11, 2008 5:45PM
haha. i too got squeezed by mother merrill and so I slid my 1st yr analyst bonus check back across the desk of the future global head of Inv. Banking and said "keep it. apparantly you need it more than i do." i walked out and when the check reappeared in my mailbox... i spent it all on one of the greatest rooftop parties ever to hit manhattan. hell, we even had midget bartenders.
Posted by Anonymous , Jan 11, 2008 6:07PM
Not surprised most people in the finance industry are huge d bags, I guess the tasteless responses arent surprising either.
Posted by larry balboa , Jan 11, 2008 8:26PM
Schmidt?
Posted by anon , Jan 12, 2008 2:49AM
was there any corn identified in the deucage?
Posted by , Jan 12, 2008 4:25PM
I miss banking. They just don't have the same sense of humor / revenge in pe. Good times.
Posted by Sean , Jan 12, 2008 5:22PM
Maybe this guy should've felt lucky he even got a bonus. Most Americans nowadays are getting pay cuts, laid off, no vacation time, no sick pay, no bonuses and no pay raises. Yeah it sucks that mutil-billion dollar corporations are ripping everyone off, but some bonus is better than no bonus.
Posted by Mike , Jan 13, 2008 12:52AM
Perhaps this is the Wall Street version of "going Postal"?
Posted by I'm so outta here , Jan 13, 2008 3:29PM
Wachovia Bonuses Out and Suck
Flies on the wall - the VPs and Associates - were really screwed. Fixed income bonuses down from last year by 80% to infinity (that's right, some got nada). So if your base + bonus last year was $300K, this year it was marketed as 40% of last year's total comp. If your base this year was $100K, guess what your bonus was. Yes, you are right, $20K. And just for fun, part of that is deferred over 3 years, because you are a "highly compensated employee". So you actually get a $15K bonus, or $8K after tax.
The low performers at Wachovia who got laid off in 2 rounds got paid more (25% of last year's bonus + 3- 6 month's pay = 50% of last year's bonus). In my example above, the poor Associate/VP got 10% of her bonus. Shit, even my friends in non-fiance corporations work half the hours and have half the stress made the same amount.
On the other hand an MD, for example, made $2MM last year. He goes home this year with a $650K bonus ( = $2MM x 40% - base).
On the Corporate Finance / Equity sides, bonuses were down 20 - 30% from last year.
So, let me summarize this for you:
(1) A VP gets $20K for performing above expectations and an MD gets $650K for making bad calls and losing money.
(2) The low performers that were let go get paid more, and are on payrolls for 3 - 6 months without the need to come to work. The high performers that were retained busted their ass for the next 4 months and got paid shit.
(3) First year Associates in corporate finance with 0.5 years of experience got paid more dollars than VPs in fixed income with 5 years of experience.
Great strategy Wachovia. You now have totally demotivated and disinterested the high performers in your money making machine (As is well known, fixed income has always made most of the money for Wachovia, not corporate finance or equities). These high performers will leave at the first chance they get...3 months, 6 months, 1 year...doesn't matter, they will leave. Unless 6 months from now you start scrambling and giving them retainers. Great strategy Wachovia.
Wonder which Charlotte Ken is dumber - The Ken on Tryon St for buying Countrywide, or the Ken on College St for ensuring that his banking money machine, or what's left of it, dies in 2008 as people leave. Headhunters, you know where to look for high quality talent motivated to leave.
Posted by Jesse , Jan 14, 2008 10:07AM
A more effective move would be to have taken a dump in his boss' inbox or lap drawer, or even the front seat of his Mercedes two seater, while his boss was in it.
Posted by , Jan 14, 2008 10:24AM
3:29 Tryon St? College St? Obviously a Charlotte inside joke. The "high performers" you talk about are big fish in a little pond. Beleive me, the world is not standing by itching to scoop them up.
Posted by , Jan 14, 2008 10:28AM
@3:29 Tryon St, College St: is this a Charlotte inside joke? These wronged VP's are big fish in a very small pond. Believe me, no one is itching to recruit them.
Posted by , Jan 14, 2008 10:32AM
bet you get a lot of house in Charlotte for $20K
Posted by rob , Jan 14, 2008 4:31PM
i heard he was relieved of his doodies...
Posted by nemo , Jan 17, 2008 8:01PM
do you seriously think a guy would through his shit around if he would have been cut a couple of hundreds of thousands?well, according to some of you these guys are swimming in millions, not true... their bosses may be, but not the ones who make enough to afford a phone booth like apartment and make a living for their families. so, believe it or not, sometimes it's actually logical to take a shit on your desk, after spending all the week-ends at it in hope of getting smth in reward:)
Posted by west coast bankin' , Jan 21, 2008 5:58PM
8:01 -- no sh*t. ;-)