Earlier this afternoon I was performing my daily task of scrutinizing pics of the males taking part in PocketChangeNYC's speed dating event for "Rich Older Women and Hot Young Men (Sugar Mamas and Boy Toys)," AKA The Saddest Story Ever Told/The Greatest Spectator Sport Of All Time (if enough of you agree to show up on the 7th to watch, they'll consider bringing in bleachers). Unfortunately for me, today's batch of applicants were about as exciting as proxy access. No pool cleaners, no horses, NO CRUSHED VELVET. I was considering writing to PCNYC to vent my frustrations vis-a-vis their paint drying BTs but decided to retract my claws and give them one more chance (I've lately been taking my cues from Little Bunny Foo Foo's F.G., except the shit about field mice, because those assholes have it coming), when I came across something that can only be described as smelling like Eau de Hunter, i.e. FISHY.

A 33 year old toy claiming to be "Mike Darda," an economist with MKM Partners and CNBC commentator, enclosed five photos. The first three were all of him on CNBC, which I thought was a little weird and narcissistic and not necessarily an attribute I'd assign a "boy toy," who's supposed to be the submissive one that gets told what to do. But I reasoned that maybe he didn't have any recent photographs of himself and besides, he looked pretty attractive in the screenshots-- essential to his success at the event. Then I scrolled down to pics 4 and 5. Imagine my surprise and downright horror to find that the chappie* in the last two were decidedly NOT Mike Darda. I forwarded them to a few people who confirmed that I was not crazy (in this specific instance only), and that the five shots were definitely of two different dudes. But why would somebody do that? Steal a CNBC commentator's identity to gain entry to a dating service? And then fuck it up by including two different faces? Or was the application actually submitted by Mike Darda, and he added a couple pictures of a less attractive dude, relatively speaking, to come off as what? Less intimidating to the senior citizens?

I had to shut off my computer and walk out of the room. I needed to get away from the notion that someone would take something so innocent and pure like a speed dating event for rich old women and hot young men and taint it with some sort of sick game. Now, several hours later, I still don't understand. I'm hoping that it was just a case of incompetence on the part of PCNYC, and two applicants' portfolios got mixed. But I'm not holding my breath. If you have any ideas, preferably ones that'll talk me off the ledge, I implore you to share them now.

--Jewish Nancy Drew, DealBreaker correspondent.

*male form of "chippie"