Who remembers that Craiglist ad from the 28 year old Goldman banker looking for someone to lavish with his (pretax) $722k bonus? I’m going to go with all of you because, frankly, it/he was unforgettable. The Viking stove, the custom-made oak dresser, the amazing dinners, the shopping, the great wine, the getting each other off fabulously and, of course, the baby’s arm aren’t things one lets recede from his/her consciousness so easily. Sure, the whole thing turned out to be fake and from the mind of someone named the Cajun Boy who does not really work at Goldman Sachs or at any other financial institution, including Bear Stearns, for that matter, but did anyone give a shit? No, us included. In fact, we were so taken by the imposter– “real” name: Thad– that we asked him if we could reprint parts of his journal on DealBreaker so that you all could live vicariously through his fabulous life. He said yes, if it would help him “score ass.” So if you enjoy the following installment, show your gratitude.
So Monday morning I flew back to New York from Phoenix after a truly ridiculous Super Bowl weekend (GO GIANTS!). As the plane took off and I reclined back in my first class seat while waiting for my prosciutto and goat cheese omelet to be served by the flight waitress, I took a moment to reflect on my life and how extraordinarily great it really is. Sometimes it is really good to do such things, to take a few moments to take personal inventory so that you don’t get too lost in the fabulous and forget to appreciate it in the process.
I mean, seriously, how many people in this world would kill to sit at the table next to Heidi and Spencer at the Pink Taco? How many people would kill to be the guy that gets to buy Patron shots for Dennis Rodman and his entourage all night long? How many people would love to be able to bribe their way into the Maxim party and rub elbows with the likes of Ryan Seacrest, Mario Lopez and Brody Jenner? How many people would love to be able to slip a few Benjamins to a local cabbie with instructions to chauffeur any drunk, disoriented sluts to your hotel suite?
Everybody, that’s how many!
So this got me to thinking that I should share some advice with the suffering masses out there by way of offering up a list of essential reading for success in life. The great thing about reading books like these is that by doing so you can take the wisdom and the wit of the person who wrote it, incorporate it into your life, and take it as your own without having to actually to experience the things that they experienced and nobody will know the better as to how unoriginal you actually are. I was kind enough to bestow all of these very titles on my buddy Gabe as he spends his post B of A layoff days unemployed and splayed out across my Saskatchewan eel-skin sectional sofa, so I figured that perhaps they can also help others turn their woefully below-average lives into average ones at the very least.
The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
If you only read one writer for the rest of your life, it should be Robert Greene. Some of the laws Greene details in the book include “Pose as a Friend, Work as a Spy,” “Get Others To Do The Work For You, But Always Take Credit,” “Crush Your Enemy Totally,” and “Conceal Your Intentions.”
Need I say any more?
And fuck you in advance if you want to play the “ethics” and “morality” cards. Ethics and morals are for losers.
The Game by Neil Strauss
Being a bit of a natural at seduction, I never really needed to read this book, but I think that the seduction-challenged can definitely benefit by doing so. Learning how to “peacock” and to throw a “neg” are essential to any guy wanting to score more ass but who doesn’t have an Amex black card in his wallet to throw down at Cipriani’s. Trust me, if Strauss can use all the knowledge he details in the book and turn his short, bald little Jewish ass into a poon-pounding machine that ends up engaged to a former Playboy Playmate of the Year, it’s worth reading!
The Art of War by Sun Tzu
“When the enemy is at ease, be able to weary him; when well fed, to starve him; when at rest, to make him move. Appear at places to which he must hasten; move swiftly where he does not expect you.”
I’m still trying to figure out exactly what that quote from the book means, but I feel smarter for simply having read it. And you should to.
How to Talk About Books You Haven’t Read by Pierre Bayard
Besides the three books that I already listed above, there’s not really any tangible reason to read any other books. Reading this one will help you overcome those rare moments in life that you find yourself needing knowledge of literary works outside of the scope of Greene, Strauss, or Tzu. Like when you’re at a party and you find yourself talking to some hipster girl from Williamsburg who works for Greenpeace and has a blog that nobody reads and all you really want to do is toss her salad but she keeps droning on and on and on about On The Road or The Old Man and the Sea.
This is the book for those all-important moments in life.
So what are you waiting for? Stop sitting around staring at your pink slip and feeling sorry for yourself because your paltry severance might force you to hold off on re-uping your membership at John Allan’s in 2008. Hack into your neighbor’s wireless and hit Amazon.com. You can thank me later when you pass me walking on the sunny side of the street, if you ever get there.
Earlier: Diary Of A Fake Goldman Trader: The “Jasian” and “Cockblockus Maximus”
Editor’s Note: We’ll let you know when we have a thad at dealbreaker dot com email, but for now, if there’s anything you think he should address, send a note to cajunboyinthecity at gmail dot com and he’ll pass it on to Mr. T.
This is the first one of these I didn’t enjoy CB. They are becoming predictable and forcing. You have talent – just don’t swing at every pitch.
this guy knows too much to not be in finance….unless he is someone admin that is.
agree re the first part (flying back from Phoenix…), which is same old, but I found the book review thing to be totally fresh and clever.
second 2:14, book review = great, airline narrative = crap
this shit is so bad, most goldman traders are nerdy as hell anyway
1. buying drinks for rich people = weak
2. mentioning, let alone hanging out (and worse, bragging about it) brody jenner, ryan seacrest, etc = gay, slimjim-esque
3. paying off the cabbie to bring drunk sluts to your hotel room = offsets #’s 1 & 2
I typically give Thad a strong A, but this is B- material.
1. Why is Thad flying first class and not private to/from Phoenix? At this point in his career he should definitely possess a NetJets card.
2. Why is he taking *taxis* around Phoenix? He can’t afford a limo or at least car service? Everyone knows its easy to get drunk sluts into a limo.
He didn’t say he was taking taxis he said he is paying them to deliver drunk girls to his hotel when *they* end up in the taxis.
Get a real Goldman trader, not this guy. He misses the details, like taking a private jet instead of flying first class, eating at Pink Taco, benjamins instead of hundos (unless he’s african american, but then he wouldn’t work at Goldman so it’s a moot point), Patron instead of Montezuma or Corazon or Cabo Wabo. I’d buy the story if he was a Bear trader but not a G Man.
@joel 3:39pm…it was the day after the fucking super bowl! netjets was booked solid. had to slum it in first class commercial.
@anon 4:09pm…good eye sparky.
Agree he’s not a GS trader but for entirely different reasons. The ones I know live in Summit with three kids and go to bed very early.
I’m actually in disagreement here with most of you in that I enjoyed the airline narrative and wish that he would have continued with it, maybe getting head from the “flight waitress” or something.
again, shit version of LSO.
Anybody that thinks this is either a) funny or b) accurate as satire should be flown to GITMO and sterilized by the Clinton/Obama ’08 ticket. Seriously cajunboy, go re-read LSO and learn how it’s done. Know your audience. The diary would probably be hilarious to a bored office manager in Des Moines but you’re writing on Dealbreaker. The over-the-top douchiness doesn’t resonate and just comes off like a bitter outsider looking in.
Yeah, yeah. If I think it’s that easy I should try it. I might have to if the fucking sky keeps falling.
I think it’s funny, especially the book review part, but pretty much a waste of time as we all know it’s fake.
If the details are inauthentic, what’s the point?
I do agree that the GS employees tend to be on the nerdy side … look at Lloyd Blankfein! … the name itself sums it up … but they consider themselves to be persons of wealth and taste. I can’t see them trying to ingratiate themselves with Ryan Secrest. (I don’t think RS uses an “a” in his last name. I could be wrong.)
Oh, to hell with authenticity. The question is – does the bribe the cabbie trick work?
The bribe the cabbie trick works EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Sometimes in my non-financial job, I go into the bathroom and enter the handicapped stall, because it’s big and spacious. As I sit there quietly, I hear someone in the next stall, making straining sounds, and I think, “Thad, is that you?” But then I remember I am not in the backwoods of Louisiana, so it can’t be ole Cajun”.