As if he didn't have enough on his mind, Jerome Kerviel must now bear the shame of knowing he's the reason individuals with no discernable skills, initiative, brain cells or looks won't get cannonballed from the back office to the trading floor anymore, so sayeth Bloomberg reporter Fabio Benedetti-Valentini. Sources tell Benicio del Toro that before the SocGen scandal, you could be, for all intents and purposes, “a moza-fuckeeng retarde” and still be executing trades by your second week on the job. Now, not so much. “When Jerome Kerviel pilfered that $7 billion,” Benedetti del Toro Valentini writes, “he wasn’t just pilfering money, he was pilfering a time-honored French bank tradition of promoting incompetents into positions of great importance.” Further digging by Vesit La Giubba Benedetti revealed that that wasn’t the only shit Kerviel fucked up for everyone else. As it turns out, Kerviel fucked everything for everyone everywhere. Look closely, Benedetti Valentini Bruni Pesci notes, and you’ll see that Kerviel can be blamed for: Global warming, Hepatitis C, feline AIDs, and the marijuana drought. One area man even told Benedetti Valentini Mosconi Bruni La Giubba Pesci Gasparino that he believes the rogue trader is to blame for his difficulties rising to certain occasions in the marital bed. “Ma femme, she say ‘C'est la booze!’ but I know Jerome, he had a hand in dis!”

On a related note, I’d like to add that so far no one has correctly matched all 11 Steve’s to their corresponding photographs and the gallery tour/30 minutes of rink time remain up for grabs.

Kerviel Losses Erase Promotion Chances for Clerks [Bloomberg]