I never took Charles Gasparino for a scheming, vindictive, even terribly inventive man. That all changed when I found myself curled up on the bathroom floor circa 2 am this morning. But let me start from the beginning. As most of you who read this site with any regularity know, we’re obsessed with chronicling the eating, iron-pumping and fiber-expelling habits of CNBC reporter Charlie Gasparino. Since he clearly has a Google alert set up for himself, he’s well-aware of the enthusiasm with which we cover his professional and personal life. I don’t want to say that we were told by several well-placed sources that Chuck liked all this attention we were lavishing on him, so I’ll say this– we were told by several well-placed sources that Chuck LOVED all this attention we were lavishing on him. Is “went to his head” the correct turn of phrase to use in this situation? I’m not sure, but nothing else comes to mind, and it’s a pretty fair assessment of what began to happen.
And that was okay. Annoying, but okay. We’d created this belle of the ball in Gasparino, and we were willing to take all the credit (/Pulitzer nominations) and criticism that came with the coverage, in addition to your standard starlet behavior. We were fine with the fact that we would get calls complaining about running certain photos that made a certain someone “look bloated,” and that beginning last month, not a day would go by when Charlie wouldn’t contact us to say “It’s 7 am, I’ve already worked out, showered and had breakfast, why haven’t you written about me yet?” to which we replied, “Well, Charles, when you work out with the sleeves cut off, and not in this hoity toity Under Armor shit, as our moles at Gold’s Gym where you whaled on your pecs today tell us you did, that’s when we’ll write about you,” to which he would inevitably respond, “I’ve already taken out my clippers, and scheduled additional reps on the Bow-Flex for noon. Write the post now so it’s ready to go at 12.” We would write the post and it would be good and this parasitic-yet-beneficial relationship would continue.
Lately, though, meaning like last week, Charlie was becoming obsessive. Emailing us at three, and four, and five a.m. to make sure we’d received the photos of him leaving the studio “drinking a delicious Myoplex shake (out of one of those plastic gallon containers, of course),” so he could get his free monthly shipment of powders and bars, the “building blocks of any fitness plan worth its salt.” Asking if we’d noticed how much more “cut” he looked on-air compared to Kernan. Not shutting the fuck up about how braciole isn’t something he requests during bathroom time (“It’s thinly sliced pieces of mortadella while I’m on the can or it’s nothing at all!”).
And we’re not easily rattle-able people, but it was starting to piss us off. So we didn’t exactly put our all into our regularly scheduled “Where in the world is Charlie Gasparino” feature on Friday, just to give him a taste of what life would be like for him if we started half-assing it. And he didn’t like that one bit. Told a friend he was ticked that we didn’t mention the throbbing veins in his forearms. The rippling pectorals as ripe as two grapefruits out of the alluringly yet tastefully vivisected Champion sweatshirt. The way the children in the gym’s play room cowered when he howled ‘Ba fungool!’ after every bench rep. The musky, pheromone-concentrated odor he emits when working out that draw women the way chum lures sharks. Said he was going to make us “pay” for this egregious offense, which I took to mean he wouldn’t make sure we got comped at Sarge’s on 27th and 3rd next time we got sandwiches.
So when the shipment of soppresata arrived at the office, we thought for a second that it might be some sort of threat, but only in the sense that “something’s coming,” and not that “this actual piece of meat has been poisoned.” Oh, but the ever-conniving No Sleeves knew he didn’t even have to actually tamper with the meat, knowing full-well that the typical Jew, famed for a delicate digestive tract, wouldn’t be able to handle the saltiness and nitrates. (We’ve heard from well-placed sources that he picked up this little trick from Grasso, who sent capicola to Spitzer and all the Jews with NYSE board seats, as chronicled in his latest book, “King of the Club“.)
Which would explain why, at 2 am this morning, after having only sampled a tiny piece of the soppresata earlier in the evening, we were rudely awoken with a thirst so great we were forced to chug the month-old, half empty bottle of peach Snapple next to our bed, before projectile vomiting the offensive toxin from our mouths (ending our five month no-puking streak), and subsequently spent the next several hours on the cold tile floor. And we didn’t like the ending of our no-vomit streak one bit.
So. In keeping with the time-honored tradition of the Jewish and Italian mafias battling over Wall Street supremacy (as chronicled in Charlie’s book “King of the Club,” available on Amazon and wherever books are sold), Levin will now demonstrate to No Sleeves once and for all that despite the fictional comeuppances of Shylock and Hyman Roth by guineas, the Jews wrote the book on revenge.
The question is how. I leave the answer to you. (Write-ins by Chosen People given extra weight.)
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- Use the Bloomberg command
NH BLG_DEALBREAKER <GO>
to access Dealbreaker
Didn’t Tony Soprano put it best? Revenge is a plate of cold cuts.
oh my god bess
this is why i read dealbreaker
Chrissy: “Tone…..They trying to spread dysentary among the ranks?”
Four words: Male strippers at work! That way he can compare his biceps with the dancers while appearing to be fruiter than a Dole pineapple. Oh, and it’ll have to happen while HE’S ON THE AIR.
i’ve been to enough bar mitzvahs to know that gefilte fish renders even the strongest of gentiles virtually paraplegic. Option 2.
amazing levin
Chaz had been training with Clemens and Pettite in the off-season. So I’m not sure why he’s downgraded to Myoplex, everyone knows its for poseurs.
just go lorena bobbit on his whiteboy ass
you are hilarious.
Offer to cook him a meal – carbonara or some other pasta made with raw eggs. No doubt you can see where to go with that one….
Revenge is getting a GF to visit his apartment and leaving some fish/shrimps in a hard to find location to rot over time… The old fish in the curtain rod… He thinks he might get laid, but he apartment instead just gets fisher and fisher over time…
i can’t wait to see what happens to this site when bess gets a “can’t pass up” opportunity from a real website/magazine…
saw him on kudlow last night flexing… they discussed his bench press, no joke.
12:33 Perhaps with a white “cream” sauce added? Girls who enjoy the sauce say it brings a certain saltiness to every meal. And without raising Mr. G’s sodium level. And we all know how much Mr. G wants to keep his sodium levels down.
so, I’m thinking to myself: where the hell is bess? all these senseless articles by carney…did she quit (b/c she isn’t getting fired)? then a few refresh-es later, I find that chucky boy was up to no good and bess is huddled over a porcelain throne. I can confirm that you guys are bloating his “tough guy from the bronx” ego. in fact, he even said on cnbc that “those people at deal breaker are obsessed with writing everything I say”, what an effing tool. go get him bessy!
@hippopanomous: my thoughts exactly. terrifying. what’s your best guess? I’d say The Onion.
I think Bess has a crush on that lovable Italian stallion.
does Tiger do private parties in the northeast?
Some good suggestions thus far, butt I’m gonna hafta go with a multi-headed attack, in no particular order:
1. Gefilte fish in the shower head (works much better than lifesavers, just inscrew, place, laugh heartily as Chucky bathes in that delicious cold-fishy flavour)
2. Get him blacklisted at his favorite guinea-meat palaces. Being a Member of the Tribe myself I frankly have no idea where this is, butt I”m sure you can find out.
3. Publish a buttload of stories comprised mostly of rash falsehoods portraying him as any of the following: convicted felon, child molester, beasteality afficionado, democrat, hermaphrodite.
4. Send him on a sugardaddy date with some fat slob masquerading as a hottie.
@12:46 – i think the Onion is a little too cliche/played out at this point. Something bigger/better/more intellectual, but I just can’t place it yet…
bess PLEASE tell me you did not eat that goyish pork sausage.
oy gevalt an embarassment to the chosen people everywhere
@hippopanomous/12:46: colbert?
Bess is so funny that I would take her home to meet my parents, even though her people killed Jesus.
I think bess’s angle is to one day either take over DB senior editorship from JC esq. or more likely to marry a nice secular jewish boy and squirt out a couple of kids
Anal_yst you’re a disgrace to Tribesmen everywhere.
I know my boss goes REALLY nuts when you imply that he is not a “paesan” – a salt of the earth, “one of us” kind of guys. Instant buddy-buddy with anyone of the ends-in-a-vowel extraction.
So, treat CG like he is no big deal and that he isn’t regarded as an “authentic” Italian. Were BOTH his parents Italian? Is there a chance of, perhaps, a mixing of the blood which has diluted his inherently masculine Italianity?
“Gasparino” – could have been changed from “Gasparaov” or “Gasparowicz” or “Gaspeau”
I love that you have built a whole saga of posts just about gasparino being a stereotypical guido
@1:03: “I think bess’s angle is to one day either take over DB senior editorship from JC esq.” No way, she clearly does not give a shit about Wall Street (though obviously write about it extremely well).
“or more likely to marry a nice secular jewish boy and squirt out a couple of kids.” Do you read her stuff? She clearly is not the typical marry/have kids/don’t work-type girl.
You see, hundreds and hundreds of years ago the Moors conquered Sicily…
@ assclown @ 1:05
…what, because I don’t know where to get soprezaat in manhattan? Step up to the plate buddy
Shemale strippers at work!
Still only four words, but much funnier.
@ KLW
Sorry, butt my (mostly repressed) jewishness keeps me away from even such places, like a defense mechanism, lest I suffer the same fate as our beloved Bess
Have one of the moles at his gym swap out his Head&Shoulders for Nair. How much Italian appeal can he muster without a thick mane of hair?
Answer? Niente!!
sooprezaat? is that what we are going with as the official spelling around here?
@1:12 yes but she is also lazy, and marrying a nice banker is the favorite out of jewesses from jersey going back generations
Send him a hot, buttery stack of Johnny Cakes.
and no i’m not insulting bess just basing this on her self-proclaimed laziness so don’t get all snappy and defensive like she is your fag hag or something. i have known tons of fouls mouthed jew girls who act just like bess in my day, the majority have or still hope to settle down with a nice home in scarsdale to bake latkes and help their kids make their own hanukkah candles
@1:43: the out of jewesses in marrying rich bankers is because they’re talentless japs, not because they’re lazy. I’m thinking Colbert Report, TDS is pretty overplayed at this point.
No goddamned prisoners. Garnish Chuck’s bocce set.
@1:49. There’s a difference between being foul mouthed which, admittedly, many jewish girls are, and being witty and hilarious, which many are not.
been thinking about this some – i can see her being asked to tone it down (just a tiny bit), and getting a satire/humor columnist gig with the bloomberg mag (markets)
to be fair you are right so far her desire to be witty and adored by her public has outweighed her laziness, just saying really, how long can that last? there’s only one sarah silverman out there right now out of a whole universe of funny jewish girls, just sayin’, too often scarsdale is in the genes
i like how 2:07 tries to twist bess’s DOING HER JOB and doing it well into a sick “desire to be witty and adored by her public.” and she’s funnier than sarah silverman, who i can’t fucking stand.
combination of DB’s 3&4 and Anal_yst’s 1&3
don’t be such a hater
“sick” your words not mine
i sure as shit wouldn’t be doing my job if i wasn’t getting appreciated
We’re in a stagmire here.
Boris, I’ve got a special for you. When can you fit him in?
how can anyone not like sarah silverman?
you need professional help.
for real dude.
@girl
WTF kind of Bar Mitzvah’s (Bar Mitzvot?) were you at that they served gefilte fish? I call bullshit.
agreed w/ Master of None. i’ve only ever seen it at rosh and yom kippur and maybe passover. bar and bat mitzvah’s are totally secularized. i’m skeptical, ‘girl.’
@6:03 Goy here, but I was just at a bar mitzvoh where they did just that, in the temple right after the service, where you have cake and coffee and lox and bagels. Doesnt that count? BTW, i think girl is MOT. She had a good knowledge of an obscure jewish issue: I believe it had something to do with the jewish community in south america.
anon @6:13 again. By the way, this was in the Chicago burbs, son of a friend from grad school. It was nothing like the affairs I’ve been to in NY. The reception was like going to a kids birday party at TGI Fridays. And these people are not poor. Its obviously a cultural thing there to not make such a big deal about things.
How about “raped by Cossacks”. Once they’re done with Cramer.
you’ve never been to ones where they serve it in the temple after the service? B/c I have.
also, master of none, get off my ass. or alternatively, take the stick out of yours.
@Bess
Obv the only punishment severe enough is to marry him, and then, when he asks you to fellate him, laugh maniacally.
Or, you could get him drunk and lure him into the bedroom where you have a moil waiting.
Actually, why not both?
I vote for rape by midget poxican cossacks.
Yeah, but is Bess fucking Matt Damon?
And if not, why not?
Gasparino misses his buddy Seth Tobias
Bess , stay away from that slimey , hairy freak
Bess , meet me behind the Scungile counter …. Charlie “bag of donuts ” Gasparino
Bess , stay away from that slimey , hairy freak
Is Charlie Gasparino married? He’s hot gun!
That photo is gross! It’s sickening….FBI is investigating. They want to take DNA sample of that specimen.hahaha!
” meet me behind the Scungile counter ”
classic
Rockhead obviously has obsessive-compulsive disorder.
I agree with Option Guy at 12:47pm.
Bess, it could work.
x091Ps I cannot thank you enough for the article.Really looking forward to read more. Want more.