UBS Might Fire You, Or Might Not. Depends On How UBS F-ing Feels, K?

Posted by Bess Levin, Feb 14, 2008, 11:51am

ubs.pngOur favorite Swiss bank lost a ton o’ money and now a few people are saying layoffs are on the way, two of whom are employees hoping a last second admission of boyhood crushes on Adolf will save their asses (it would help if they could get their hands on a copy of a little indie porno called “Hitler Sucks,” which actually casts the guy in a pretty flattering light). Another soldier in Marcel Rohner’s employ sees things differently, asking, “I don't know if you've noticed but UBS really doesn't fire anyone ('cept Jews). I mean look at our losses and layoffs comped to ml, ms, etc.” Love the detached confidence, which should serve him well down at the unemployment office. Either way I think you should a. Keep us abreast of the situation and b. Check out this musical clip, which I think might help thing a little if not a lot.

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Posted in: Layoffs, UBS

Comments

Posted by Matt, Feb 14, 2008 12:06PM

Bess Levin Uber Alles.

Posted by anon anon anon, Feb 14, 2008 12:33PM

At least there will be no executives left at the monolines to fire anyone. Another rat swims away from a sinking ship: The Ambac Financial Group, a bond insurer, said Wednesday that its chief risk officer had resigned

Posted by , Feb 14, 2008 12:36PM

anon-

That just means the rubber stamp saying "sold" was thrown away......

Risk management...........oxymoron if ever there was.

Posted by Erin Burnett's Booty Call, Feb 14, 2008 1:13PM

In all seriousness, Hitler Sucks looks like it might be decent, if only for the casting of little-known actress Alicia Monet, who was an underrated '80's porn goddess.

Good catch, Bess. You don't happen to have a copy you can lend me, do you?

Posted by Bulging Bracket, Feb 14, 2008 1:24PM

BOA deferring cash portions of bonuses 12-18 months with no guarantee?? They're trying to make everyone quit?? Charlie Soppresata just reported this... can Ron Blarney confirm? Can el Ron beat the Soppresata?

Posted by , Feb 14, 2008 2:03PM

"Shortly afterward, while stripping in a club, Monet appeared on stage with a loaded handgun that she began masturbating with. No one was hurt."

dear god. hott.

Posted by andrew, Feb 14, 2008 2:13PM

well you know UBS still has all that Arafat money they can use to bail themselves out

Posted by Erin Burnett's Booty Call, Feb 14, 2008 3:01PM

I'm telling you, she was a little firecracker! Not unlike our very own Ms. Levin.

Posted by Ken Houghton, Feb 14, 2008 3:50PM

Does this depend on Rohner surviving the meeting at the end of the month?

Posted by , Feb 14, 2008 3:56PM

Arafat money give me a fucking break white-bread.

Where do you think all that Dubai $$$ injections (that every IB CEO is on knees for)comes from??? Greenwich or Haifa,

dumbshits out today

Posted by guest, Mar 20, 2008 3:17AM

Of course UBS doesn't fire anyone; they eliminate the position and reassign the headcount to the pursuit of outside opportunities.

Posted by guest, Apr 15, 2008 10:20PM

Layoffs in Weehawken have begun, starting with consultants. Those are the people who work full-time for years but get no benefits. Now, their jobs will be permanent. But wait, there'll only be a few of those jobs. You're welcome to apply, just like the rest of the world, because that's only fair and above board, right? If you happen to win your own job, you'll have the privilege of helping the company recover from subprime losses by making less money. Now, who wants to be first on line with their resume?

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