On Tuesdays, I like to do what I call investigative journalism. Also called, by some in the field,“Google Image searching.” Little anthropological looks into what’s up at hedge funds, the private, largely unregulated pools of capital whose managers can buy or sell any assets and participate substantially in profits from money invested. Sometimes I publish my findings, sometimes I keep them to myself. For example, once I spent a few hours researching a persistent rumor that Jorge Soros and Jimbo Rogers love playing ‘sniper’ on trips to Eastern Europe, placing $100m bets on whether random targets fall to the left or right. Last week, after hearing from several reliable sources that Ray Dalio is always up for a good cross-dress, I decided to try and figure out what kind of garters he wears under his suit pants.
Today’s investigation was that the rumor that there are many ‘Steve-alikes’ running around, executing trades, pilfering masterpieces, posing for fake photos–like a second Oswald or Saddam Hussein–to keep the hellhounds off the trail. Though I couldn’t help but wonder, where would the big guy find such doppelgangers? It’s not everyday you come across a bald, paunchy, bespectacled Jewish guy pushing 50, for this is a very rare bird. Or is it?
As it turns out, there are literally thousands of them, these ‘Steve-alikes.’ Thousands! And they all look exactly alike (hence their name, ‘Steve-alike’). Join me after the jump as I offer my findings on ‘Roly-poly guys named Steve Cohen who, while rather schlubby, possess an inexplicable magnetism that makes one want to be bounced on their respective knees and who all look EXACTLY alike.’ You wouldn’t think it took the whole afternoon to compile the portfolio, but it DID.

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1. Steve Cohen, Senior Geophysicist Emeritus, NASA Planetary Geodynamics Lab
2. Steve Cohen, Producer, The Early Show, CBS
3. Steve Cohen, real estate agent, Orlando, Fla.
4. Steve Cohen, U.S. Representative for Tennessee’s 9th Congressional District (Memphis and Shelby County)
5. Steve Cohen, “The Millonaire’s Magician”
6. Steve Cohen, founder-raconteur-gourmand-foot fetishist, SAC Capital
7. Steve Cohen, Fire Marshal, Harvard (Mass.) Fire Dept.
8. Steve Cohen, President, The Negotiations Skills Company (Pride’s Crossing, Mass.)
9. Steve Cohen, Israeli Policy Forum
10. Steve Cohen, Education Professor, Tufts University
11. Steve Cohen, Director of the Master of Public Administration Program in Environmental Science and Policy, School of International and Public Affairs, Columbia University
The first person to correctly identify each Steve Cohen will win a personal tour of THE Steve Cohen’s gallery, including recent illicit acquisitions, followed by thirty minutes of ice time on the family rink. Skates not included.