In chronicling the near-collapse of a 85 year-old firm, a sober voice is required to distill the hubris, folly, carnage and ultimate tragedy found within. That voice belongs to Charlie Gasparino. The Post reports that the CNBC on-air reporter will receive a $400,000 advance from HarperCollins to write the definitive guide to the fall of Bear Stearns. Early drafts are said to have stoked some angst among editors because Gasparino peppers his prose with exclamations such as the following excerpt: “For some, the most apparent sign of Cayne's disregard for the mounting difficulties at Bear came in August 2007, when he left a conference call early to play golf. Mamaluke!”
Nonetheless, rumors are already swirling that the account is destined to become a classic and notch for Italian-American pride. Sources tell DealBreaker Gasparino is so confident about the book’s success that he’s already pricing contractors to redecorate his Rego Park palace with Formica countertops and “more marble columns.” Proposed titles include: I Hear Tings, Jimmy, The Fuckin’ Beating That Bear Stearns Took, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss... I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, and When Mooks Fail. An audio book will be released as well. We've obtained a rough cut of the first few chapters, after the jump.
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 1:36PM
haha, humor as the expense of a ginzo prick is consistently priceless
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 1:42PM
*at the expense...
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 1:51PM
yeah, and the movie can star Jiimy C and Snoop DO-double gizzle featuring cypress hill and larry kudlow
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 1:52PM
yeah, and the movie can star Jimmy C and Snoop DO-double gizzle featuring cypress hill and larry kudlow
an all star cast if i do say so myself
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 1:54PM
Lets hope he doesnt sweat all over the manuscript this friggin meatball. Guy knows zilch about the market, if he did he wouldnt be a "reporter"
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 1:57PM
I just knew journalists were out there pitching books on Bear Stearns even as the crystal was still shattering. I'm disappointed Charlie Gasparino got the first contract. Frankly, I don't think Gasparino has the depth to plumb Cayne's Doestoevskian compulsion to play bridge while his firm and his building were bought out from under him, at the expense of his own personal fortune.
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 2:17PM
I am no fan of Gasparino.I was a fan of Grasso and the old NYSE.Is this blog run
by Andover- Harvard WASPs? Althought, the additional marble columns comment is pretty funny, the correct term is mammalucco. Unfortunately, of late, we have had some pretty funny Italin guys:
Gasparino,Mozilo and 60% of the Bear Stearns employees I have yet to see any other ethnicity lampooned on this blog so
frivilously.
Mr. Spitzer ?
In the future if you need some material
involving the Quenns born Italians such as plastic cushion covers, IROCS ,Lowly Catholic Colleges, or cold cuts,also incorectly referred to in the past, I am you man.
Posted by Lowly Assistant , Mar 26, 2008 2:19PM
I used to be Chuck G.'s assistant (one of many). He lunches with the gods, and buys haircuts for all that assist. However, the plastic cover on his couch makes an unseemingly "crack" when sitting upon it...not unlike S&M whips, or rubbing a balloon to build static.
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 2:29PM
it ... what??
how on earth could they think this mook knows anything about whats went on at bear?
mama mia!
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 2:38PM
All this is because Jews are under it all jealous of Italians. Its because we're just as smart but better looking and much less neurotic.
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 2:39PM
"How Jimmy Cayne's shoongod shop got eaten up like a cheeseteak wit."
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 2:44PM
Lets face facts, if the irish were runnin things over there everybody would be better off. Seriously, enough with the ethnic comments, ou differences are what makes this country great. I am offended that anyone thinks this hack knows whats goin on.
Posted by NomadTrader , Mar 26, 2008 2:47PM
If this shill does write the book, you're going to need a 61 inch big screen to fit his swelled friggin' head. If there ever was any reason to NOT listen to these bozo's, this would be it - guy will never shut up for 6 months.
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 2:54PM
@2:44. right on! also, jews are obviously smarter than italians.
Posted by brianvan , Mar 26, 2008 3:21PM
Hmm, scungilli? I love it when to you talk to me in Italian, Bess. Gimme your best va fangul.
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 3:43PM
Molto tempo fa . . .
From Business Wire, September 19. 2002:
"Bear Stearns International Limited announced that they have launched, on behalf of Meliorbanca S.p.a., ZOO ABS 1 B.V., the first cashflow arbitrage CBO involving an Italian manager. The deal is backed by European mezzanine and subordinated asset backed bonds and includes an innovative super senior cash tranche."
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 4:04PM
hey, Bess, doesn't this violate the "make jokes ONLY about your own tribe" rule* for comedy?
*unless you're a black comedian
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 4:07PM
2:17pm: "Is this blog run by Andover- Harvard WASPs?"
Oh yeah, it's all champagne and strawberries with this DB crowd, sporting popped collars, pastels and Hud Morgan. If you're not clubbable, then no need to apply.
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 4:11PM
Popped collars? I like that. More useful / less vulgar than the term "collar erection" that was used the last time this look was fashionable. GAnalYst
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 4:14PM
Hud Morgan? Can you please be let this jersey guinea (sp?) boy in on that one?
Posted by guest , Mar 26, 2008 5:44PM
OMG - this is amazing. How can a dope like this write about something so complex? Like he ever understands anything he reports upon. I found a post from Judge Judy about this guy on the Cody blog and have cut and pasted it for the enjoyment of all. Now this is some good humor. See below:
CNBC IS TOAST - Posted weeks ago elsewhere but very appropriate here.
The Gasbag’s Latest Cheap Shot Attacks BofA
Judge Judy says to Jeffrey Immelt: “Yo Jeffy and da boys. Yous guys listinin? Charles Gasbagarino wants to breaka you legs cause you ain’t got no soap”…..
While this is a humorous mimic of your “on airhead editor”, it is a surprisingly accurate reflection on his linguistic skills, intellectual depth and false sense of his own manhood. His verbal capabilities remind one of Rocky Balboa’s tongue on steroids and his intellectual content is perfectly suited for a Jerry Springer highlight video. His presence on the air appears to be a strange cross between a Dick Tracy character and Michael Corleone’s driver. He is a male chauvinist and a closet homophobe who is likely paranoid about his own sexual inadequacies. Hence, he manifests his false sense of bravado by making a complete ass of himself and mugging his coworkers and guests on the air. Can we get this guy a pinky ring and a gold chain necklace to go with the patent leather shoes? It is increasingly the opinion of a large percentage of your viewing audience that CNBC is deteriorating rapidly. Around the trading floor, we now refer to it as CNBSleezy. Women on Wall Street think that he is the poster-child for birth control.
This guy is a punk from Brooklyn who masquerades as a journalist. His constant cutting-off of others is rude, obnoxious and a reflection on his own insecurities and ignorance. His journalistic feats are a collection of cheap shots at various financial executives and institutions that refuse to have anything to do with him. The consensus in the industry is that his book is full of lies and distortions as a suck up to his whop buddies. He continuously gets into screaming matches with well-informed guests because he refuses to think for one nanosecond before opening his cavernous mouth with an array of misplaced “d’s” and “t’s” as well as “dees” and “doos” that would make a grammarian quiver. This guy is an embarrassment to your broadcast team and to his gender. Does he ever think before he speaks? “We broke dat story! Alls yous guys look at me or I gonna breaka you face. We broke dat story.” Notwithstanding the linguistics, a real professional gentleman needs no such self-promotion.
The catalyst for this narrative is your supposed “news” about BofA the Friday before last. We have continued to watch him endlessly fabricate stories and embellish upon information already available through credible analyst sources. He claims to break “news”. We think he does little more than break “wind”. The story about BofA cutting certain supplies like hot chocolate, etc was taken entirely out of context. They’re not eliminating hand soap in the rest rooms as stated by this on-airhead. This “story” was little more than a small minded reporter trying to make some harmless cost containment maneuver look excessive. CNBC looked like the fools that they are by even allowing Gasbag to report it. Have you no due diligence function? How many of these ridiculous stories will you air? How about the Bagman’s penis size? We know he has no balls. I’ve seen it scribbled on Ladies Room walls, which are at least as accurate as his sources. Here’s some real news: BofA cut 650 people today. Where was the wind-breaker on that one?
You think that reporting about a guy taking female hormones is a newsworthy business development just because it involved SAC Capital. What’s next? Maybe the Bagman can get a glimpse of Maria’s bra size while sniffing her laundry this week and you can put it on the air as news? While his “news” coverage was an affront to all women, he managed to assault the gay community as well with that one.
This guy is a sleezeball who must hang out in beer joints, pool halls and men’s rooms at night with slimy people trying to get dirt on his targets. What he can’t get away with putting on your air, he sells to his cronies at the NY Post. A “rumor” is neither a story nor is it “news”.
Gasbagarino’s favorite preoccupation is with C, MER and BSC, of which he knows nothing. His batting average in terms of being right on these stocks has been pathetic. He is little more than a journalistic hemorrhoid to these people. How smart are John Thain, Duncan Niederauer, Bob Greifeld, Vikram Pandit, Dick Fuld, Lloyd Blankfein and many others who flatly refuse to have anything to do with this sleezeball. Alan Schwartz take a lesson. He serves no constructive journalistic or business purpose other than to give the false impression that he has some stroke with his Guido brethren. “Yo, Adrienne. Alls yous guys gotta do is wake up and smell the garlic. I tink my boy Tony Soprano must be gettin some of da action on dees twee stocks. I’ll bang dem up soes he can bottom fish dem.” The guy is a journalistic pimp and a hood. Hello….job cuts and smaller bonuses due to subprime….duh….geez, you scooped us all on that one wind-breaker. Not! He recently reported that Merrill had started the process of laying off up to 1,600 people and then leaked it to his cronies at Dealbreaker. This is completely false. For the record, there have been no official layoffs as of this writing. We all expect them throughout the industry but this is not news!
And, of course, we are starting to see his false forecasts of Citi now come to the forefront. Despite weeks over never-ending guesses, he missed the dividend cut, he missed the write-off and he missed the lay-off (his forecast was for 35,000 immediately rather than half that through an attrition program). And today he reported the layoffs would be spread out so that they can spread the cost out. Wrong again Einstein; the cost is always booked up front. Schazam. Maybe if he makes more guesses and fabricates more research, he will eventually get one right and then can claim to be a visionary. I swear, I get more precision and satisfaction out of my vibrator. I actually heard this jerk state that firms were looking for more capital so that they could book more losses. Hello Dumbo – that is illegal. Do these CEO’s actually look dumb enough to volunteer for jail? Remember, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link and CNBC’s weakest link is this incredibly annoying marble mouth.
Speaking of my vibrator, it appears as though Gasbag has a masturbation arrangement with the zealots over at the Post. They get each other off by distorting information about the CNBC team. Check out the stories on Erin. It sure looks like the fingerprints of the Bagman are all over this one. I’m sure that Erin, Maria and all the CNBC ladies can relate to this one – Bagman, the panty-sniffing Leaker.
It appears as though CNBSleezy has made a strategic mistake. Reporters are not necessarily financial experts and this surely applies to Gasbag. They are paid to gather information and craft it into a factually based story of value to the reading/listening public. For intellectual light-weights like Gasbag to insert their chauvinistic, moronic opinion about a financial subject for which they have no expertise or formal training is distracting and dilutive. To have an insecure idiot like Bagman participating on panels is the root cause of the never-ending screaming matches which are neither entertaining nor informative. Even the ranting maniac Cramer has some intellectual fortitude. Perhaps you can have Gasbag move in with David Faber with the hope that he will adapt some of the Brain’s mannerisms. As my mother often said, one can only hope.
Let’s have a few New Year’s Resolutions. Please pull the punk from the air or get him some formal financial education, linguistic training and anger management therapy. A little rehab and some sensitivity training probably wouldn’t hurt either….one third of your audience is comprised of women. He might offend fewer of us. In return, we won’t slime CNBC if it does not continue to slime our favorite bank! Happy New Year.
Judge Judy
Posted by diablo , Mar 26, 2008 7:23PM
Tell me this is a joke, it must be a joke.
Posted by guest , Mar 27, 2008 8:58AM
While I found myself having a laugh at some of the Italian jokes, I just want to point out that if those jabs were consistently redirected at other ethnicities, specifically, say, Jews on Wall Street (including those named Tim Sykes), this board would be so filled with messages about political correctness it would make the Imus scandal look like child's play...
Posted by guest , Mar 27, 2008 9:18AM
Cmon, are you seriously suggesting nobody has taken shots at the Jew?
Perhaps you have heard of some guys named Schwartz, Cohen, Schwartzman for starters?
Some of Bess's best jokes are at the expense of the tribe.
Posted by guest , Mar 27, 2008 9:31AM
Point taken, no doubt about it - but it is usually the figure himself that receives the lashing, not the culture as seems to be the case with Charlie G and the Italians...
Either way, I encourage general name-calling. If you took away race/culture, my joke canteen would be near empty anyway...
Posted by guest , Mar 27, 2008 2:03PM
Judge Judy, I love you. Will you have my children? That is the funniest post I have ever read. Unfortunately, it was also accurate.
Posted by guest , Mar 27, 2008 7:50PM
LOL JJ Soooo fucking funny. You're a better journalist than he is - that ain't saying much. One question: is it true that the Bagman poked you up the ass?
Posted by guest , May 28, 2008 3:26PM
Why must the people above make fun of Italians? Charlie Gasparino is a journalist/reporter who just happens to be Italian. If you want to criticize him for his writing and reporting skills, that's fine, but please stick to your issue (i.e. that he's not a good journalist/reporter) and please leave out the ethnic cheap shots because they are hugely offensive. These insensitive comments are not funny and make you look ignorant and racist.
Posted by guest , May 28, 2008 3:33PM
@3.26--hey scungill, why so sensitive? Did you stick your sausage in a hot calzone?