In our continuing (and continually failing) effort to provide the finest in financial musings for our readers, we at DealBreaker are pleased to announce that Equity Private, author of the much-loved Going Private blog has joined DealBreaker as a Guest Editor at least until May 1st. Ms. Private will be filling in for John Carney, who is fortunate enough to be departing for a month to enjoy a well deserved, and somewhat overdue vacation, April 4th.
For those of you who have been hiding under a rock for the last two years, Equity Private is a pseudonymous Vice President at the equally pseudonymous "Sub Rosa," a New York based, middle market, private equity firm focused on leveraged buyouts.
Ms. Private either holds a MA/MBA or a JD/MBA (though she refuses to tell anyone which) from a top tier university. We don't know which university, of course, but given her rather overt animosity for one in particular, we're pretty sure it isn't Stanford. Either way she has too many degrees, and not enough beachfront property in Sardinia (500' really doesn't cut it anymore).
I took a break from writing about JPMorgan and Bear Stearns all day to have a little chat with the newest edition to the stable.
Bess Levin: So, Equity, you'll be with us from now until Carney returns at the end of April (at which point I'll be taking a month off to just chill by the way). Are you intimidated at the prospect of having to fill Carney's (proverbially) big shoes.
*Messing...
Equity Private: Yes, of course it's intimidating. The Carnivore must wear a size 11 or so, plus he has been an important fixture at DealBreaker since the beginning. I doubt I can ever "fill his shoes," in any meaningful way. I mean I wear, like, a size 6. And, you know, now that I think about it, that's in Manolo Blahniks, and they run really small anyhow. In any event, all I can do my best to provide DealBreaker with the most consistent quality of postings in my power. Really, it's a great honor to be called in to sub for John Cramer.
BL: Carney.
EP: Yes, right.
BL: Let's try some free association. For the next three questions I am going to give you a word or a phrase. Just give me the first thing that comes into your mind about it. Just the first word. Or phrase. You know how this works.
EP: Do I get to lie back on a couch or something?
BL: No. Not really.
EP: Ok.
BL: Blackstone.
EP: Well arrogance is the big one, of course, they are a large, unwieldy group with massive egos. You've got Schwarzman's birthday, you've got the IPO that almost exactly called the top of the market, you've got an amazing culture of superiority when it comes even to other finance professionals...
BL: Uh, Equity?
EP: You have this ongoing sense that they think they can expand into any industry, any asset class...
BL: Hey, EP?
EP: ...do PIPE transactions, invest in commodities...
BL: EP, it was supposed to be one word or phrase.
EP: Oh.
BL: Just one. Seriously. It will be ok.
EP: Arrogant?
BL: Great! See, that was easy.
EP: Yeah, uh, ok.
BL: Henry Kravis.
EP: James Carville. No-- James Carville's vomit.
BL: Cloverfield.
EP: Oh yes. I was 15. I had never kissed a boy before. We were out at the country house and this huge, blueish white full moon was hanging in the sky over the field. It was amazing, we had been looking for four leafed clovers all day before, after riding all day, and no one rang the dinner bell for some reason. Anyhow, it was cool out, the air, you know, prickly on the skin and... oh, wait... one word right?
BL: Well, you know, exceptions are ok.
EP: No, no. Sorry. I don't want to break the rules.
BL: I'm sure it will be ok just this once.
EP: Well, I need to be getting to work anyhow.
BL: No, really, come on. I'm sure our readers would like to hear your association.
EP: Well, sure, but let me review this DCF first.
BL: Okay, well, we are going to leave comments open so readers can ask their own questions for you to answer tonight?
EP: As long as they aren't about what animal I would be.
Posted by guest , Mar 24, 2008 4:58PM
When is carney departing?
Posted by ab , Mar 24, 2008 5:13PM
look above
Posted by guest , Mar 24, 2008 5:16PM
Business is slow in PE these days, eh?
Posted by guest , Mar 24, 2008 5:20PM
what kind of animal would you like to eat, if given a choice of anything on the planet? (Spitzer en brochette?)
Posted by Anal_yst , Mar 24, 2008 5:25PM
To where in carney departing? D&D tournament against Jimmy Cayne?
Posted by miami , Mar 24, 2008 5:33PM
Quick question for EP -
You have to hand in a DCF calculation to your boss at Sub Rosa on the biggest, most important deal of the year in the next 20 minutes.
However, you lose all your files and notes on the transaction, and the only 2 people on earth who can finish the DCF for you are Jimmy Cayne and a Stanford MBA.
What story window do you jump from?
Posted by guest , Mar 24, 2008 5:36PM
Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?
Posted by John Carney , Mar 24, 2008 5:36PM
@ Anal_lyst. Very funny.
We'll post more on this later. But there's no harm in sharing a bit now: I'm actually heading to southeast Asia, and will most likely do some reporting from there. If anyone has recommendations for good subjects and stories to cover, please drop me a line.
Posted by Equity Private , Mar 24, 2008 5:42PM
"When is carney departing?"
Intelligence Sources say beginning of April. But these same sources are bracing for a resurgence of the Soviet Union.
"Business is slow in PE these days, eh?"
Not for us, really. Lots of management and oversight to do even when deals are not cooking. We happen to have some deals cooking, fortunately, but at my level there is plenty of time to do some 'editing.' (Helps that I'm on vacation for the next 5 weeks).
"what kind of animal would you like to eat, if given a choice of anything on the planet?"
Jamie Dimon's liver, with some Fava beans and a nice Chanti
"To where in carney departing? D&D tournament against Jimmy Cayne?"
Sorry, I'm under NDA.
"Quick question for EP -
You have to hand in a DCF calculation to your boss at Sub Rosa on the biggest, most important deal of the year in the next 20 minutes.
However, you lose all your files and notes on the transaction, and the only 2 people on earth who can finish the DCF for you are Jimmy Cayne and a Stanford MBA.
What story window do you jump from?"
I reject the premise. You say: 'the only 2 people on earth who can finish the DCF for you are Jimmy Cayne and a Stanford MBA.' Neither of these parties can finish a DCF.
Posted by Equity Private , Mar 24, 2008 5:43PM
"Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?"
No.
Posted by guest , Mar 24, 2008 5:50PM
Loving EP so far...
Will the debt bitch be making an appearance?
Posted by guest , Mar 24, 2008 6:34PM
I predict a cat fight.
Posted by guest , Mar 24, 2008 7:07PM
EP, what would most people think is your best physical feature? And do you talk like you write? This loyal reader has always wondered, but also doubts that EP has a law degree because her writing is way too much fun despite its precision and punch.
Posted by guest , Mar 24, 2008 7:10PM
I <3 EP. Like the response on DCF...good thing no jumping necessary.
So, we get Bess Levin and smart Bess Levin...erm EP. So, is Bess your new debt bitch?
Meow...
Posted by Finnegan , Mar 24, 2008 7:11PM
Sweet Delilah, it's EP. Nice.
Posted by Equity Private , Mar 24, 2008 10:40PM
"Will the debt bitch be making an appearance?"
No. She doesn't take vacation and she's more expensive than I am. I love DealBreaker so I cut them a break.
"I predict a cat fight."
That's not a question.
"EP, what would most people think is your best physical feature?"
My hair. Hands down, according to those same people.
"And do you talk like you write?"
I tend to write works of any length in a single draft. I would even say it is less accurate to say that I "write," than to say that I am "taking the dictation of my internal monologue." It does quite feel like being a court stenographer during expert witness testimony on some occasions. Often, I publish with but one proof-reading pass to catch style, meter, word choice and thematic tendrils that might otherwise have been left, hanging, invertebrate, from the traumatized connective tissue of my prose. Sometimes even this most superficial of editing processes, is forgone. Therefore, if by "like you write," you mean without resort to undue (or indeed, any) pre-publication editing then "yes." If, instead, you wonder after the complexity of my vocabulary or sentence structure, you will understand that, by necessity, it endures moderation in day-to-day use and discussion- lest I be branded even more unusual than my reputation already suggests- so "no."
"This loyal reader has always wondered, but also doubts that EP has a law degree because her writing is way too much fun despite its precision and punch."
Juris Doctors appear in greater numbers than once thought. Several recent discoveries have uncovered the secret membership of any number of upstanding, nay, outstanding citizens who also happened to have passed a multiple choice test involving a question to which the answer is always: "An apple is a always deadly weapon if it actually killed someone."
These include:
Alexis de Tocqueville
Studs Terkel
Francis Scott Key
As for my presence on the list, well... you shall not trick me into leaking that bit of trivia.
"I <3 EP."
ep loves smart readers.
"Like the response on DCF...good thing no jumping necessary."
I just speak the truth. If it happens to be amusing, all the better.
"So, is Bess your new debt bitch?"
First off, Laura, The Debt Bitch, is not "mine," anymore than she is anyone's. So, no, Bess is not my "new" debt bitch. Nor, frankly, is Bess anyone's bitch. So she's not my "first debt bitch" either. If anything, I'm her finance wench until I learn the ropes over here at DealBreaker.
Posted by guest , Mar 24, 2008 10:55PM
Carney needs to do a report on the seven-diamond hookers of Southeast Asia (including Kathoeys to keep the SAC crowd interested).
Posted by Anal_yst , Mar 24, 2008 11:35PM
Carney I hear theres a few places in Thailand (not involving 15 year old lady boys, stop getting excited) I hear are really interesting, please report (pictures) from there (video)
Posted by stimpy tec , Mar 25, 2008 2:03AM
EP is our principal inspiration at Stimpy Tec and we wish her many happy returns.
Posted by guest , Mar 25, 2008 7:27AM
"Jamie Dimon's liver, with some Fava beans and a nice Chanti" are we trying to say Chianti here?
Given your recent missive to the guy who misspelled "grammar" posted March 19, EP, it is obvious you will be scrupulously detail oriented in your postings on DB. It should be a great venue for you, since some around here are scrupulously observant about pointing out every last spelling error.
Incidentally, isn't misspelling "grammar" a spelling error, not a grammar error?
Posted by guest , Mar 25, 2008 7:28AM
"Jamie Dimon's liver, with some Fava beans and a nice Chanti" are we trying to say Chianti here?
Given your recent missive to the guy who misspelled "grammar" posted March 19, EP, it is obvious you will be scrupulously detail oriented in your postings on DB. It should be a great venue for you, since some around here are scrupulously observant about pointing out every last spelling error.
Incidentally, isn't misspelling "grammar" a spelling error, not a grammar error?
Posted by Equity Private , Mar 25, 2008 8:35AM
"'Jamie Dimon's liver, with some Fava beans and a nice Chanti' are we trying to say Chianti here?"
I'm not sure what "we" are (were) trying to "say." I was trying to type "Chianti."
"Incidentally, isn't misspelling 'grammar' a spelling error, not a grammar error?"
Many places in the world consider spelling a subset of grammar.
Also, please learn to avoid double posting before pressing the "post comment" button again.
j/k :)
Posted by guest , Mar 25, 2008 9:17AM
so have you considered closing the comments during your tenure here
Posted by guest , Mar 25, 2008 9:21AM
Lucky for me, EP, the burden of quality on anonymous commenters is much lower than that on popular, eloquent, and occasionally pedantic bloggers ;)
Posted by guest , Mar 25, 2008 9:34AM
I thought EP was KK Kravis?
Posted by guest , Mar 25, 2008 9:41AM
Equity Private? OMG OMG OMG OMG.
Yay!
Posted by guest , Mar 25, 2008 10:21AM
Thank you for so deftly handling my question’s ambiguity regarding whether EP talks like she writes. To be sure, EP’s status as a legal practitioner is better left unknown, lest she be pestered by a NY Bar dragnet for her rather unusual brand of client solicitation.
Follow-up question: When might the readership indulge in a three-way role-playing exercise on DB casting EP, Bess and Carney as Bernanke, Dimon and…some BSC person? No correlation ought to be read in to that list, but maybe EP channels Dimon what with her affinity for his sweetmeats…
Posted by guest , Mar 25, 2008 2:49PM
Dear EP,
Convertible debentures or sinking fund?
Anxiously,
Defeasing in Detroit
Posted by Onegin , Mar 25, 2008 9:23PM
EP - do you have a conscience? Seriously, less than 73 days until the CFA exam. The only bigger distraction would be if you turned up in Boston, say around 7 pm on Saturday for dinner with me. On second thought, would you?