This May, the University of Texas Press will publish a book by Robert Auerbach, called “Deception and Abuse at the Fed: Henry B. Gonzalez Battles Alan Greenspan’s Bank.” In it, Auerbach questions the legitimacy of Greenspan’s Ph.D. thesis from NYU, implying that the paper was “obtained in a few months with little more rigor than a matchbook-cover art degree,” and that were you or I ever privy to reading the thing, it would be plainly evident that Greenspan was blowing the half the degree-granting faculty. Luckily for Greenspan, that’ll probably never happen, because, according to Auerbach, New York University is in cahoots with the former fed chairman to keep Auerbach/other interested parties from every laying eyes on that puppy (Auerbach says NYU’s provost, David McLaughlin, claims that dissertations from the 1970s were not placed in the library, and therefore unavailable, which Auerbach doesn’t buy FOR A SECOND).
Obviously this whole thing is making Bernanke tweak his nipples in delight, and our sources in Washington tell us he’s taken to walking around town with his paper tucked under his arm, replying with feigned innocence when people ask what it is, “Oh just the musty old thesis. Needed to check something; still holds up pretty well. See: Benjy Bernanke, MIT Class of 79.” We’ll do an extended review of the book when it officially comes out, but from the unedited copy we were able to get our hands on today, here’s the other shit Greenspan doesn’t want you to know about that you can likely expect to read, barring any major rewrites.
Auerbach alleges that :
1. Greenspan hasn’t read any of Ayn Rand's books.
2. All of his addresses to Congress involved typing a speech at a third-grade level then using Microsoft's thesaurus to replace every single word with the most fancy-sounding substitute -- even if he didn't know what it meant.
3. It is a lie of the highest order that Greenspan conducts 80% of his business out of the tub; the author claims “evidentiary proof” that “all the magic happens on the can.”
4. His basement wall is littered with photos of, articles by and home addresses of "infidels I must exterminate," including Robert Auerbach, Jim Grant, Bill Fleckenstein, and Alan Abelson.
5. BG has 20/20 vision and wears the glasses to “look smart.”
6. He never dated Barbara Walters. Actually briefly dated Geraldo Rivera (then Jerry Rivers) during his late-70s “experimental phase,” and Phyllis Diller for the better half of the 1980s.
7. He lies about his age. He is really only 42.
8. Greenspan inflated his resume credentials; actually spent most of the 1960s and early 1970s running "Easy Al's Used Cars" in Dubuque, Iowa.
9. During undergrad his source of income was from peddling phony tips on penny stocks, then cleaning up shorting them, and working as a phone sex operator. The book goes into graphic detail, noting that Greenspan was known for his unique style, telling callers things like, “At this juncture you should feel your labia minora becoming engorged. (Since retiring, Greenspan has apparently fired the phone line back up, to much success. $3.99/minute, call 203-890-2000)
Dr. Greenspan's Amazing Invisible Thesis [Barron's]
Posted by guest , Mar 31, 2008 5:50PM
I remember thinking as I read this in Barrons on Sat morning that it was going to be the #1 or #2 story today on DB. It has all the juicy elements: secrecy, intrigue, Greenspan, NYU b-school before it was taken seriously. I suspect that the reason its wasn't is that DB, despite calling itself a Wall Street blog, doesn't get around to reading Barron's till monday afternoon. Am I right?
Posted by guest , Mar 31, 2008 5:51PM
@5:50- you really got them there, buddy.
Posted by guest , Mar 31, 2008 6:00PM
Barrons sucks.
Posted by guest , Mar 31, 2008 6:16PM
Bah. I was expecting some hot phone sex, and all I got was a fax machine at 209-890-2000.
For real, steamy hotness, call 212.891.2100
Posted by guest , Mar 31, 2008 6:19PM
@5:50 - Since when has keeping up with Barron's been a sign that you're really tuned into Wall Street? Barron's is read by retired people in Florida, and no one else.
Posted by Lowly Assistant , Mar 31, 2008 6:42PM
Bess,
All I got was a noticeably distressed Warren Buffet screaming, "Dear Doris and Bertie!" repeatedly. He sounded drunk/perhaps crying?
Posted by guest , Mar 31, 2008 6:48PM
Very funny commentary.
Posted by guest , Mar 31, 2008 6:54PM
My name is Sol Scheckstein and I live in Coral Gables and I want you to know that I take offense to the libelous comments your "guest" made at 6:19 and WHAT????....What? Godddammit I'm on the computer!! No!! I don't know where the remote is!!! Goddammit I haven't watched it all day!!
Anyway, not just retired people read Barron's as that person suggested and WHAT??? I don't know where the damn dog went!!! I told you I'm upstairs on the computer for God's sake!! Can't it wait???
Like I was saying, retired people have active minds for finance and just because a lot of us live here in Florida GODDAMMIT WHAT?????? Look in the glass by the bed!!!!! Jesus, didn't you put them in this morning????? I don't wear the damn things, they're yours!!@!
I guess I'd better go now.
Posted by guest , Mar 31, 2008 8:56PM
Sol...
Classic...
Thank You for the Tears...
Posted by guest , Mar 31, 2008 11:17PM
"this whole thing is making Bernanke tweak his nipples in delight"... more gold from Bess...
Posted by guest , Mar 31, 2008 11:42PM
@6:19 Everyone in asset management reads Barrons. And thats a lot of people. No need to devour it, but it does get read before the weekend is over. If Barrons was as dependent on retirees as you think they wouldnt get too far. I love the joke though at 6:54. Note however that there are not too many Sols in Coral Gables. Except maybe at U Miami. The town itself is mainly rich Cubans.
Posted by guest , Apr 01, 2008 12:50AM
I read the link to the Barron's article. I was disappointed to learn that No. 2 on the list -- All of Greenspan's addresses to Congress involved typing a speech at a third-grade level then using Microsoft's thesaurus to replace every single word with the most fancy-sounding substitute -- was apparently made up by Bess Levin. It was so plausible, and just the thing a tell-all book would expose!
Good work, Bess.
Posted by guest , Apr 01, 2008 1:16AM
“At this juncture you should feel your labia minora becoming engorged."
Posted by guest , Apr 01, 2008 2:15AM
"Green pants are out of style."
Posted by guest , Apr 01, 2008 2:19AM
Al gave a great speech in the early sixties. He explained by removing our dollars from the Gold and Silver Standard would be grounds for a potential disaster in the future. He was so right that the powers at the Federal Reserve set him up with a very comfortable position, because they felt he would be dangerous to their plans of tanking the dollar in the future. He was right!
Posted by guest , Apr 01, 2008 8:19AM
6. He never dated Barbara Walters. Actually briefly dated Geraldo Rivera (then Jerry Rivers) during his late-70s “experimental phase,” and Phyllis Diller for the better half of the 1980s.
Posted by guest , Apr 01, 2008 8:41AM
A truly toubling image is walters blowing greenspan
Posted by guest , Apr 01, 2008 9:53AM
Will somebody please admit that they, too, used thesaurus on Word throughout high school? Freshman English teacher got me.
And regarding #3, I too would have thought Greenspan to be a tub man akin to Benjamin Franklin.
-Nom me