• 31 Mar 2008 at 2:13 PM

Getting You Out Of Jail Free

By

I love every aspect of this quaint tale about Canadian hedge fund manager Matthew MacIsaac (MM Asset Management) facing cocaine charges (he was arrested at the end of a six-week investigation known as Project White Rabbit, at a club called the Comfort Zone; the damning bit of a evidence from a “rival” manager that MacIsaac is building a new house with his and her sinks in the master bath) but here’s what I love most: the fact that MacIsaac apparently attempted to “explain” the $600 in his pocket to the police officers on the raid by saying, “I’m a hedge fund manager.” A little bit because (and I could be wrong) I’m pretty sure it’s not illegal to have cash in your pocket, so it sounds like MM folded like a cheap suit even Thain* wouldn’t be caught dead wearing, and a lot a bit because in my mind, it’s the new default excuse everyone can use, for any situation with even the hint of consequence. Just imagine yourself to be one of your favorite hedge fund managers, and respond as they would — as in the examples below.
Officer: Did you just litter, pal?
Leon Cooperman: Yes, but officer, I can explain: I’m a hedge fund manager.
Officer: Sir, this is a peaceful demonstration. We don’t allow people to immolate themselves to protest eating meat.
Dan Loeb: First off, fuck you and your animal-clogged arteries. And b., I answer to a higher authority—I’m a hedge fund manager. [Douses himself in lamp oil and lights a match.]
Angry Shareholders: Did you just lose our company $100 billion in shareholder capital?
Jim Cayne: It’s OK, I’m Big Daddy Cayn–I mean, I’m a hedge fund manager.
Barnes and Nobles employee: Did you just take that book in the bathroom with you?
Larry Robbins: Yeah, and I was in there for a while, too but don’t worry about it: I’m a hedge fund manager.
Guard: There’s no smoking in the museum, pal.
Jim Simons: Oh, it’s all right, buddy. I’m a hedge fund manager.
David Spade: Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.
Steve Cohen: I think you’re going to be okay here because I deep fried the chocolate then coated it with caramelized sugar, thereby creating a hard candy shell. Plus, I’m a hedge fund manager.
Hedge fund manager faces cocaine charge [Globe And Mail]
*He looks like a cheap Midwesterner.

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Comments (68)

Older Comments
  1. 1
    Posted by guest | March 31, 2008 at 2:24 PM

    obTrivia: The Comfort Zone was featured in the movie “Police Academy” as the Blue Oyster Bar.

  2. 2
    Posted by guest | March 31, 2008 at 2:30 PM

    Jail in Canada? What’s that – a week at Whistler with a medium cup of hot chocolate instead of a large cup? Having to listen to Celine Dion for a month?
    Thadius R. Rogers
    Canadian Basher/Evaluator of Talent

  3. 3
    Posted by Investorcluzo | March 31, 2008 at 2:32 PM

    does this mean coke’s not legal in canada? why do they call it the great white north? just askin’…

  4. 4
    Posted by guest | March 31, 2008 at 2:35 PM

    this is hilarious!!
    comfortzone is the most notorious all night (and all day sunday) drug den in Toronto. used to be a raver hangout. now its a meeting place for strippers, street people, clubbers and anyone else who is desperately trying to keep their buzz going straight through the daytime

  5. 5
    Posted by BruceWayne | March 31, 2008 at 2:38 PM

    Not that I have any first hand knowledge but Vancouver has some of the best blow out there.

  6. 6
    Posted by guest | March 31, 2008 at 2:38 PM

    ps its located in the basement of the Waverley Hotel, which is a nasty prostitution hotel

  7. 7
    Posted by BSD | March 31, 2008 at 3:02 PM

    Bess – one of your best posts yet!

  8. 8
    Posted by guest | March 31, 2008 at 3:08 PM

    And speaking of getting out of jail:
    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120692150286375551.html?mod=todays_us_nonsub_marketplace
    I say let him out and let the mobs deal with him! I wonder how many “dates” he’s had in prison. Maybe his bro can teach him to be a weatherman?

  9. 9
    Posted by guest | March 31, 2008 at 3:14 PM

    Comfort Zone is also beside a homeless shelter…quite the seedy row: homeless shelter, hooker hotel, drug gen

  10. 10
    Posted by guest | March 31, 2008 at 3:16 PM

    Hopefully he was going to use that $600 for a handgun and some Valtrex.
    -Nom me

  11. 11
    Posted by Bulging Bracket | March 31, 2008 at 3:38 PM

    CZ is a very dodgy joint as mentioned above. It’s also been the set for a bunch of music videos. The funniest part of that strip is that it goes Waverley/CZ, Silver Dollar Room (jazz bar), Homeless Shelter, school yard!
    http://maps.google.com/?ie=UTF8&ll=43.6585,-79.400763&spn=0.001768,0.004334&t=h&z=19
    On the map, Waverley/CZ is second building north of College on West side of Spadina, homeless shelter is just north of that, and you can see it backing on to the playground of the elementary school.
    Building in the middle of the circle on Spadina is home to the fine arts studios at University of Toronto, so they have easy access to drugs for their late night studio sessions.

  12. 12
    Posted by guest | March 31, 2008 at 3:46 PM

    hilarious!

  13. 13
    Posted by gatekeeper | March 31, 2008 at 3:49 PM

    I’d rather go to Chino than have to listen to Celine Dion for a month.

  14. 14
    Posted by mrpink | March 31, 2008 at 4:00 PM

    I concur with BSD. Nice work Bess.
    In response to the people criticizing grammar errors on the site, just reply:
    “It’s ok, I’m a hedge fund manager.”
    -mrp

  15. 15
    Posted by guest | March 31, 2008 at 4:23 PM

    “He was allegedly approached for drugs by the undercover police officer, a source said. Mr. MacIsaac allegedly tracked down some drugs and gave them to her. When she insisted on paying him, he allegedly refused”
    wtf… how Canadian… how is he trafficking if he wouldn’t accept money?

  16. 16
    Posted by guest | March 31, 2008 at 7:27 PM

    a cheap midwesterner swimming in pussy.

  17. 17
    Posted by guest | March 31, 2008 at 10:17 PM

    Dan Loeb is such a Jew
    -Jesus

  18. 18
    Posted by guest | March 31, 2008 at 10:17 PM

    bulging bracket,
    I used to live just up Robert street. often I’d go for a slice at Massimo’s around 3 or 4 sunday afternoon. The sun would be out, kids playing basketball, people walking their dogs, and all of a sudden you hear pounding house and trance. Then you realize, holy shit, there’s like 200 crackheads down there raving since last night.
    also, it was pretty regular to see plainclothes narcs getting out of marked police vans in the alley beside CSC Computers and heading down to CZ to try to bust people. I’m not surprised that they finally busted it for good.

  19. 19
    Posted by guest | April 1, 2008 at 12:59 AM

    Officer, she’s 18 and I’m a hedge fund manager.

  20. 20
    Posted by guest | April 1, 2008 at 5:31 AM

    Can’t have been a hedge fund manager…
    $600 is cheap… a real hedgie would have had more (says he opening his wallet to count the cash… ahh phew €2600 and change)… plus in Geneva or Frankfurt 600 bucks is a one night bar bill (so cheap is the buck)…so none left over for charlie, or whatever his fav high of the moment is.. nice post though Bess.
    Made me smile.

  21. 21
    Posted by Bulging Bracket | April 1, 2008 at 11:59 AM

    Who uses cash at the bar? Cash is for taxis, strippers, doormen (if you’re not on the list), and multi-national import/export specialists. Plus you only show up to CZ after a very long night…

  22. 22
    Posted by guest | April 1, 2008 at 1:20 PM

    CZ sound like it has a wonderful ambiance. Here is an online review I found:
    “I’ve go to Comfort Zone about 4 times a month, and all I can say is sketchy, sketchy, sketchy. I have really mixed feelings about that place. First off the crowd is great, but every time I go there, it is more and more evident that everyone is a regular there and they all know eachother. To be frank, you need to know what your getting yourself into when you go there. It can be quite addictive, the music is hype and it’s open for people who aren’t quite done partying at 6 AM. There are a lot of party favours around but, from one of my own personal experineces, bring your own shit. Its very dark and hot there, but what w ould you expect for an after-hours place. Dress lightly and expect everyone to look like Barbie and Ken. One time in the woman’s bathroom I overheard one chick say, ‘I’ve only eaten Shake n’ bake today cause I have no money.” Another time one chick was OD’ing in the bathroom and begging me to punch her in the stomach so she could throw up whatever she was OD’ing on. Yet there have been times where I got too “G’” out along with my friends and total strangers have helped me out. And by the way if you take a little “too much” there is a room where you can go and the staff will help you get through it. (Thanks Paz!) So all and all you need to be prepared for some different types of activities and a different style of partying. Be open minded and a long with the great people and music hopefully you’ll have more ups than downs there. Over all for that type of scene. 6 out of 10. Have fun and be safe, Honey”

  23. 23
    Posted by guest | April 2, 2008 at 10:10 AM

    CZ is seriously sketchy. That said, I feel bad for this guy. He was looking to party and this cop, who I assume must be somewhat attractive, essentially set him up.

  24. 24
    Posted by guest | April 5, 2008 at 4:16 AM

    after reading that article and reading this, it really looks like you’ve twisted the crap out of this story. some guy was in the wrong place at the wrong time and tried to do something nice for the wrong gal. having cash in your pocket as a hedge fund manager is not that shocking, and probably not said to hide other actions. Why don’t you write about something important for once? it’s despicable to focus on one of the credible people in a group of over 150 others with more interesting stories (illegal immigrants? drug dealers?).

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