That JP Morgan Analyst Who Maybe Gave You A Ride Home Last Night

Posted by John Carney, Mar 06, 2008, 11:45am

"The funny part is, getting a position as an analyst at JP Morgan was far easier than becoming a hack," a JP Morgan analyst tells Time Out New York this week. It's their "secret lives" issue, detailing the various double lives of New Yorkers. There's the happily married guy who loves the happy-ending, the lawyer chick who is a go-go dancer and, of course, the banker with a secret life.

The JP Morgan analyst explains how he left Yale for a life in the city but landed two jobs at once: driving a cab and working at JP Morgan. He describes his JP Morgan position as a "no show job," which will break the hearts of lots of overworked analysts. Ordinarily, we'd ask you to guess who the banker was. But we like this guy. So instead we're asking the opposite: everyone keep this totally secret.

But remember that the analyst with the dark rings under his eyes might not be tired from spending all night working on the pitch book. He might just be the under-cover cabbie.

I am a... cabbie / JPMorgan analyst [Time Out]

1Recommend this! 20Comments
Posted in: JPMorganChase
Tags: Analysts, Liars, Taxis

Comments

Posted by Lowly Assistant, Mar 06, 2008 11:55AM

Very cool article. It takes all types to make this world spin.

Posted by guest, Mar 06, 2008 12:13PM

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Someone's been drinking too much of that fake Goldman blog...

Posted by Suits, Mar 06, 2008 12:20PM

They don't specify what type of "analyst" the person claims to be, and given the title structure within large banks like this, he could be doing just about anything. I very much doubt it's investment banking, or even research. Probably a retail credit card analyst within Chase or something.

Posted by girl, Mar 06, 2008 12:23PM

i was rather hoping for a much more colorful article given the title

Posted by guest, Mar 06, 2008 12:32PM

Probably an "analyst" on JPMorgan's IT help desk, troubleshooting the worst-on-the-Street technology that cripples productivity in their Investment Bank. Hacks, indeed.

Posted by guest, Mar 06, 2008 12:38PM

Heaven forbid someone should deflate that idea that bankers work 26 hour days.

Posted by Anal_yst, Mar 06, 2008 12:42PM

@ 12:38

Even boutique bankers are putting in 60+ hour weeks. If this dude has time to drive a cab, he definitely isn't banking.

@ 12:32

JPM can't have the worst-on-the-street technology, I believe that title is still held by the brainchild of Sandy

Posted by a dead horse, Mar 06, 2008 12:47PM

Anal_yst, having worked with the C IT people, I can tell you they aren't the worst. Their problem is that they have to deal with so many branches and pieces that they can't make catch-all solutions.

This guy is probably a custodial services analyst. Who knows, by now he may have earned his mop and moved up to custodial services associate.

Posted by guest, Mar 06, 2008 1:00PM

The guy lives in brooklyn and most of his colleagues live in Jersey or CT. Hmmm..

Posted by KLW, Mar 06, 2008 1:38PM

The happily married guy/happy ending addict, however, happily admits that he's your IT guy. Now that's a lovely image.

Posted by HAM05, Mar 06, 2008 1:49PM

klw,

id like to hear your take on this "rub&tug" phenomenon we've been hearing so much about. im looking for a new hobby...

Posted by guest, Mar 06, 2008 2:41PM

It's a great series but the family guy/orgy enthuisist made me want to vomit.
I like interesting people but that guys fucked up.

Posted by KLW, Mar 06, 2008 2:44PM

Ham:
Like all good Jews, I find the idea of paying someone money for something I can do better myself simply appalling. Speaking theoretically in this case, of course.

Also, happy endings are more or less the least sexy thing I can think of. It basically sounds like getting felt up by my pedicurist. If you're going to cheat, at least have some hot, filthy, adulterous cheating, not weird, skanky, clinical cheating.

Posted by guest, Mar 06, 2008 2:52PM

Given the endless bank write-offs, it really cant be too hard working as a bank analyst. Maybe if the banks bought some cabs and sent their employees out into the street to do some work, NY would be a better place. (Especially in the rain.)

Posted by HAM05, Mar 06, 2008 3:34PM

haha "weird, skanky, clinical cheating" - that actually sounds hot.

although i have friends that maintain its not cheating if you pay for it

Posted by KLW, Mar 06, 2008 3:44PM

Guys who say that always remind me of Mitch Hedberg: "I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

One might declare it's not cheating if you pay for it. But I know a lot of women who would dump your ass for buying sex!

Posted by guest, Mar 06, 2008 3:54PM

hhmmmm, ...all women sell sex. Its just the price and how it's paid that they disagree about.

Posted by girl, Mar 06, 2008 3:56PM

KLW

Alot of women? Try any woman with a shred of decency.

Although marrying an IT guy pretty much precludes having self respect anyway, so net-net fair game.

Posted by HAM05, Mar 06, 2008 3:56PM

yeah he also said "i used to do drugs. i still do drugs, but i used to, too"

the fact that he's dead and mozillo is still alive makes me real sad (hes dead right?)

Posted by Anal_yst, Mar 06, 2008 5:53PM

damnit 3:54 stole my line, been saying that for years

At least when you "pay for it" you know the terms: fixed cash payment for services rendered...with dating/marriage its a far more obscure transaction that is difficult to value by most any means

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