A couple weeks ago, we received a tip so perverse we almost didn’t put it up on the site. You remember what it was: “Goldman just cut free water/soda for employees.” The very thought of Goldman Sachs not offering freebies to its already handsomely compensated employees who could easily afford to buy their own Coke/drink from the tap made us all sick to our stomachs. But we got through it, together, because we deluded ourselves into to believing the whole thing was a baseless rumor spread by LEH, eager to start a bear raid so they could scoop up GS on the cheap (or, more plausibly, by Cayne and O'Neal from Maury Povitch's mom’s basement, originating from a mean bout of cotton mouth. “Goldman, man, those fuckers wouldn't give us a drink if we were dying in the Sahara and they were out dune-buggying and needed to take a leak.”) Today, the Post shattered that hope, confirming that Goldman removed the “drink bins” scattered around the trading floors at 85 Broad and 1NYP (they also confirmed our tip about GS London scaling back car service hours).
Now we’re back to where we started, devastated and crying inconsolably on the bathroom floor, shouting “Why, God, why?”* But that’s not going to get us anywhere, and it’s not going to get the previously free bottled water and soda down those Goldmanites’ throats, now is it? We’ve got to get serious and we’ve got to have a plan. This is what we propose: you guys buy their drinks for them. This is how it’ll play out—you send a check or money order each week to the DealBreaker office, we’ll go to Costco or something and buy the drinks, and then Carney will rent a van, stop off at the various offices in need, and pass out the beverages (dressed as a candy striper, if that’s something people are interested in). And everything will be as it should. Before we go buy him a costume, though, let’s get an idea of how many of you would be into this great humanitarian cause:
*This image is slightly misleading in that this is how you’ll find Carney on any given morning. But today, his tears factor in Goldman’s pain.
Posted by big r , Apr 03, 2008 11:53AM
why buy him a "costume" he already owns?
Posted by guest , Apr 03, 2008 12:03PM
did they cut the snapple too? PLEASE DEAR GOD NO tell me they didn't cut the snapple!
Posted by guest , Apr 03, 2008 12:11PM
@12:03 With this move and others, GS certainly doesn't command the respect it once did. Then again, what IB does these days. Even most lowly firms offer free sodas and other drinks. Why don't you all call up the fat Snapple lady (the one who even Harvey the Moooreeen trainer couldn't help on VH1). Perhaps as an ad blitz, Snapple could set you up and throw in a costume.
Posted by Lowly Assistant , Apr 03, 2008 12:15PM
It's a crime against humanity to leave Lloyd "יהוה" Blankfein's children parched. What next? Cold sandwiches for dinner??? יהוהdammit!
Posted by guest , Apr 03, 2008 12:16PM
that is the dopest idea ever originated on DB
snapple ad people would love it
Posted by guest , Apr 03, 2008 12:26PM
Carney driving the van all the way from Asia? That's dedication.
Posted by a dead horse , Apr 03, 2008 12:30PM
12:15, if you thought people were mad that BL made a joke that mentioned The Holocaust (tm), wait until they see you posting God's name in vain.
(For all of the non-MOT, that's what those funny-looking characters are. Hebrew.)
Why hasn't any corporation come forward to sponsor Goldman's drinks? Whichever company gets the deal would easily win the ongoing soda wars.
"The smartest, richest Jews on Wall Street work at Goldman Sachs. Goldman Sachs drinks Coke. Suck it, Pepsi."
Posted by I am a Dude , Apr 03, 2008 12:40PM
here here dead horse.
lowly, god's name in vain. how could you?
(how did get to type in hebrew on this shit site, run off a server farm in carney's underwear drawer)
Posted by guest , Apr 03, 2008 12:42PM
@ i'm a dude-- a "shit site" that you comment on multiple times a day.
Posted by guest , Apr 03, 2008 12:47PM
@12:30 Some sample taglines to sell HFCS:
Coke - it helps me trade like nothing else!
Coke! I can't trade without out it!
Working on a difficult M&A deal, Coke makes work much more fun! *Much* more fun! Am I right biyatches?
When the partners of GS said FREE COKE! I knew I was in the right place!
Bud Fox and I agree - Coke is GREAT!
Coke! Consumed by Goldman Sachs employees like no place else.
Posted by guest , Apr 03, 2008 12:49PM
@12:40 Nice. He never got sarcasm. Perhaps irony is too much for him as well.
Posted by guest , Apr 03, 2008 1:44PM
When are the layoffs at Goldman?
Posted by I am a Dude , Apr 03, 2008 2:05PM
@12:40 I was actually referring to the technical part of the web site, i.e, not allowing sign in names with apostrophes and hyphens forcing our friend 1-2 to leave and start his own blog.
that aside, I love DB, even offered carney to pay part of Bess' salary to keep her on.
but you sound like an ass anyhow. you seem to spend plenty of time here too. hiding behind a guest sign-in wont change that.
Posted by Capitalist Infidel , Apr 03, 2008 7:16PM
Carney, do your thing. A parched trader is a crappy trader.
I think they switched from drinking soda to crude.
Posted by guest , Apr 03, 2008 9:55PM
@i'm a dude-- wtf are you talking about? "to keep her on"? pretty sure db can pay bess's salary without your assistance.
Posted by guest , Apr 03, 2008 10:02PM
Hey DUDE, how do you create a sign in here? I tried, but it asks for URL in edit profile..where else can you create one?? (I may be an idiot)
Posted by I am a Dude , Apr 03, 2008 11:43PM
no, the technical part of this site is run by imbeciles. they think if they make it harder to sign on and less ppl do, it will seem more exclusive. keep trying, took me months.
Posted by I am a Dude , Apr 03, 2008 11:45PM
@9:55 i'm glad you're so up on the P&L of DB. but i did offer when they were on hard times.
Posted by guest , Apr 04, 2008 1:59PM
“Goldman just cut free water/soda for employees.” It's not LEH's handiwork it's Jehovah up to his antics ol' again.....
"In 1929, there was a luxurious club car which ran each week-day morning into the Pennslyvania Station....Near the door there was placed a silver bowl with a quantity of nickels in it. Those who needed a nickel in change for the subway ride downstairs took one. They were no expected to put anything back in exchange....in October 1929...in sudden understandable annoyance, Jehovah kicked over the financial structure of the United States, and thus saw to it that the bowl of free nickels disappeared..."
Excerpt from 'Where are the Customers Yachts?'
Posted by guest , Apr 04, 2008 3:06PM
Just add a six pack of soda to everyone's seamless web order and, voila, ample free soda.
Posted by guest , Apr 07, 2008 7:03PM
http://www.codywillard.com/
check this site out... cody willard is my personal hero
Love this article though
Posted by guest , Apr 11, 2008 10:53PM
I heard the cleaning ladies have started watering down the soap in the restrooms! Better bring your own soap!