As you know, JPMorgan is extending the welcome wagon to a very, very select group of Bear Stearns employees, which may include Alan Schwartz and will most definitely exclude the disabled. New “hires” are said to be receiving gift baskets filled with JPM t-shirts, JPM pens, a nagging feeling that they’re not good enough, and a quickly developing case of manic depression (really just talking about Schwartz with those last ones). What are the unlucky Bears who won’t be making the trip across the street getting? A whole lot of nothing, ‘cept free time to catch up on their TiVo’d episodes of “Two And A Half Men.” And that doesn’t seem very fair, now does it? While we can’t offer anything in the way of employment (unless anyone is interested in the job of editor in chief here at DB), we can offer you the chance to win a goodie bag filled with all kinds of practical stuff to get you through the hard times in a way that Charlie Sheen can’t.
Here’s the scratch: BOX NYC will be holding a “massive social boxing event” tomorrow night which apparently entails poker, models, and, you guessed it smart guys, boxing**, all broadcast on ESPN2 (so let’s just get this out there now—only the camera ready should read on). Obviously this thing has sponsors and they would love nothing more than to get with you and what once were your disposable incomes. One lucky DealBreaker reader will receive: 4 tickets to the thing ($55/each if you’re unlucky), a bespoke Astor & Black dress shirt (to change into after you puke on the one you were wearing after binge drinking your layoff away), a bottle of Patron (see the binge drinking I mentioned earlier), a bottle of 1991 GlenRothes scotch (to pass the non-working days), 6 months concierge service from In The Know Travel (apparently they’ll make reservations for you, pick up dry cleaning, etc, etc, etc, but you just might want to give them a call if you need someone to talk to/drink with from 9-5 for the next couple months), and free boxing lessons from Crunch Fitness (for when you pull yourself up off the bathroom floor and vow to “beat the stuffing out of Jamie Dimon. For fired Bears everywhere”).
Interested? Yeah you are. Here’s how you can win all that stuff: the first person to send us a clear, unpublished headshot of SAC Capital employee Steve Cohen, by 2 tomorrow, takes the cake. (NB: You don’t have to be a shitcanned Bear employee to participate. But it wouldn’t hurt.) Good luck.
**The main fight is apparently between Peter Quillin and Chazz Witherspoon. Rings no bells here and actually sound vaguely made up to us but perhaps you’ve heard of them.