$$$ Word Problems For Future Hedge Fund Managers [McSweeney's]

$$$ A White-Collar Sentence of 330 Years [USNews]

$$$ Fallen Wall Street Loudmouths In Escalating Trash Talk Feud [TimSykes, Gawker]

$$$ Is this really any more reassuring about the meaning of "Citi Never Sleeps" than our video?

Since C's new slogan is “Citi Never Sleeps,” will the firm accordingly be passing out amphetamines to the staff, in case any two-bit reporters plan on doing a little late night undercover work to make sure everyone’s taking this thing seriously? And if so, will the drugs be distributed using the same revenue boosting plan the firm's got going with its unused box seats, e.g. free for higher-ups, market price for peons? Interested parties would like to know.

We hope you’re not planning on taking a car out of Manhattan tonight. Hundreds protestors objecting to the acquittal of police officers who shot and killed Sean Bell have launched their attempt to traffic mayhem today by blocking key commuting intersection, including entrances to the Brooklyn Bridge, the Holland Tunnel, the Queensborough Bridge and the Midtown Tunnel.

Cops have been arresting dozens of demonstrators in an effort to prevent the evening commute being disrupted but NY1’s coverage indicates that at there are far more protestors than the police can handle quickly.

Manhattanites shouldn’t get too smug. Traffic throughout Manhattan will quickly become snarled if the exits off the island are blocked for very long. Your safest bet is subways and trains. Or, better yet, get yourself into the local watering-hole and drink the commuting problems away.

Writes: I really do have an amazing job…But it’s also very stressful. I feel a lot of pressure. Sometimes, more than others.”

Cody Willard is: giving Cody Willard a pep talk
Writes: “…and it just struck me once again that I have to be on my A game.”

Cody Willard is: taking it several eras back
Writes: “Mighty dog” (twice)

Cody Willard is: starting to freak the fuck out
Writes: “But…that means more work and pressure and being on an A game for SMART people. [Every day.] And again tomorrow. And the next day. [And the day after that.]”

Cody Willard is: asking the hard questions
Writes (no joke): “What the heck am I doing on TV?”

The Cody Word [FoxBusiness]

We thought it was impossible at this point to dig up any more evidence to support the claim that Jimmy Cayne is a dick who cared more about his recreational activities (card playing, drug use, journalism) than the company he was supposed to be running, but, damn it, it’s been done. And in the same NYT article, another notion we once held regarding Wall Street—that it’s the type of place that kicks you out on your ass long before the dementia sets in—is also blown out of the water.

It’s not surprising in the least that J-Cay would be the type of person to refuse to refer to an elder by the nickname he so obviously loved. Still, the extent to which JC went to deny Alan “Ace” Greenberg one of the last remaining pleasures in the twilight of his life is stunning. According to Landon Thomas, Cayne “makes a point” to “never” use the handle, and has “a standing order among some of his closer associates that anyone who uses the name Ace in his presence, owes him $100.” Due to the fact that virtually no one else at the firm shared Cayne’s inability to utter the one syllable proper noun, this is actually considered to be one of the J man’s most prudent business decisions.

Also in line with what we know but still beating his own record at prickish behavior is the story about how Cayne “convinced” Greenberg to stay at Bear last year, after he threatened to leave, citing a lack of respect, mostly from the big guy himself. The board, trying to stave off a PR crisis, told JC to get in there and make nice. Obviously any ounce of sincerity was out of the question, but they were probably under the impression Cayne could at least fake some stuff about Greenberg being “so important to the firm,” “a valuable part of the team,” “a living antique we don’t want to lose,” and so on and so forth. As it turns out, not so much!

Apparently all Cayne was capable of was citing some speech he’d given at a dinner that mentioned Greenberg’s previous work, before getting pissed off that a man of his stature had even been asked to do something so demeaning, and shouting “Alan, this is the opposite of disrespect, so don't tell me you are disrespected” and walking out of the room. In Cayne’s defense, he did have the respect not to put Greenberg in a choke hold and ask, “Why don’t you just die, old man?” which you know he wanted to, but still. Way to make the guy feel wanted. (Another thing to note, for fairness sake, is that the reason Cayne had to cut things short was because he was late to play golf, and not because he didn’t “give a baker’s fuck if He Whose Nickname I Shall Not Say stuck around or not.”)

Shockingly left out of the article is the rumor we’ve heard that when Cayne found out those early negotiations between JPMorgan and the Fed had resulted in the Fed, feeling the equity investors didn’t deserve jack, coming up with the $2/share deal, JC was so insulted that he said he’d rather see Bear go to zero than take two, and threatened to take adequate steps to ensure that end. (Cayne scrapped the idea when the Fed supposedly told him they spend the next twenty years investigating every move he ever made at the firm which, I think we can all agree, would’ve been awesome, and would clearly include proof that JC gave away 1,000 shares of BSC to make the pictures of him taping the two-dolllar bill to the door of 383 Madison go away.)

Oh, and “Ace” says that one of the reasons he wanted to leave, in addition to being disrespected, was a bout of depression stemming from his puppy not placing well in dog shows. Enjoy it while you can, Jamie Dimon.

Behind Bear Stearns' demise, a royal battle at the top [IHT]

When we learned this morning that Citi CEO Vikram Pandit had announced at 5:03 this morning that the financial giant was adopting "Citi Never Sleeps" as its new company motto, we immediately began anticipating the new advertising campaign that Citi will doubtlessly unveil.

And then we decided we couldn't wait for Citi. Pandit's got a lot on his mind, and the bank is strapped for capital. Why not devise an advertisement for the bank? You know, just to help out. Of course, we may understand the concept of eternal insomnia slightly different from Citi, which imagines that ‘Citi Never Sleeps’ conveys the image of a bank with "boundless energy to serve customers.”

Our Citi ad after the jump.

President Bush nominated Washington University Law School professor Troy Paredes to the Securities and Exchange Commission yesterday. If confirmed by the Senate, Paredes would replace DealBreaker’s favorite SEC commissioner Paul Atkins. We’d feared that the loss of Atkins, who’s been a consistent critic excessive financial regulation, would be a blow to the SEC. But Paredes looks like a strong successor to Atkins.

Paredes, who is 37 years old, teaches classes on corporations, securities regulation, corporate finance, and the theory of the firm at the St. Louis school. His published work has focused on the political and psychological causes of excessive financial market regulation, as well as the psychology of corporate decision making. The choice has been endorsed by Larry Ribstein, a professor at the University of Illinois College of Law and the author of the Ideoblog.

Paredes has written that the SEC’s decision to require hedge fund managers to register with the commission—a policy which was later struck down by the federal courts—may have been a reaction to the accounting scandals of the late nineties. The commission "did not want to get caught flat-footed and criticized again" after taking a beating from following the collapse of Enron and WorldCom. In an era when everyone seems to have their own pet plan of new regulations following the subprime disaster, this sounds like exactly the kind of approach we need on the SEC.

We fully expect that Paredes will come into criticism from people whose tacit assumption is that only enthusiasts for regulatory growth should be placed in positions of power at regulatory agencies. Bush is right to ignore this question begging approach by appointing an insightful critic.

Bush Nominates Law Professor Troy Paredes To SEC [Dow Jones Newswires]

As you’ve probably heard, the U.S. Department of Justice is investigating whether or not UBS helped its clients evade taxes. Yet another less than shining moment for the Swiss bank, on the heels of writing down trillions, laying off millions, and demonstrating an extreme inability to take a joke. Or is it? Obviously that’s how the naysayers (Credit Suisse) would like to see it, but from our angle, the so-called "crimes" committed between 2000 and 2007 are the first indication of UBS trying to do right by its clients. We should be applauding UBS for such efforts, not knocking it down-- they kinda sorta give a shit! About people other than themselves! Not so much shareholders or anything (let's not go crazy), but maybe if we start offering positive reinforcement for good deeds now, there’s a glimmer of hope that perhaps, many, many years down the road, they'll consider it.

UBS Faces U.S. Tax Evasion Probe; Employee Detained [Bloomberg]

A lot of you have been wondering if C’s new slogan, “Citi Never Sleeps” is for real. It is. I know it’s a stretch to ask a rational human being to accept, but stay with me, ‘cause it’s all about to make sense.

Sources tell DealBreaker (enough with the anonymity, talkin’ Jimmy Cayne here, informant #1**) that the new tagline is the first step in Vikram Pandit’s “Double Secret Plot To Golden Parachute” plan. You see, reader, Vik is smart enough to recognize that there’s no way to fix the train wreck that is Citi. The inevitable end game of this folly is “I get shitcanned and get my payout.” And, as an astute businessman, Vik knows that the sooner he gets fired, the less the board can hold him accountable for, and “the more loot Vickie keepie.” He's got a much stronger case to demand mucho dinero after 6 to 8 months of inane ideas and stock price dropping directives ("come in to work on no sleep! It'll help us to better assess risk!") than after three years.

Which is why, as fast as he and the brain trust can come up with them, he's implementing as many stupid ideas as possible, and has even set up a tips line that the public can use to proffer suggestions (we'll send over any worthy ideas from the comments section this afternoon, so start thinking). As Cayne tells us, “It’s basically Vik’s ‘accelerated path' to joining his boys—me and Stan, no Prince—in Maury Povich’s basement.” Cayne added that while he's "skeptical" that Pandit will be able to approach "Jimmy levels of fuck up," he supports VP's plan wholeheartedly, "'cause we're running low on snacks, and the two-- yes two-- assistants Bear's still got working for me act all put out when you ask them to make chip runs."

Just yesterday we were learning that Vikram Pandit was concentrated on the small things rather than vision. But in the wee hours of the morning he sent out an email showing that he’s totally changed his mind. Now he’s on to real big things—like company slogans!

At Citi, insomnia isn’t just a chronic problem for bankers worried about losing money or losing their jobs anymore. As Bess Levin reported this morning, it’s the financial giant’s new company slogan: “Citi Never Sleeps.”

Never sleeping is a sure sign of insomnia, which is itself usually a symptom of stress. It can have some seriously deleterious consequences, some of which might not be endearing to Citi’s shareholders or customers. Insomniacs suffer from poor concentration and focus, difficulty with memory, and impaired social interaction.

Which actually sounds a lot like the Citi we all know so well. At least Pandit’s being honest with the public about Citi’s desperate condition.

We’ve finally gotten around to reading the words that the Bearded One spoke at Columbia Business School on Monday night. Stitching together his various proposals, it’s clear that Ben Bernanke has become a partisan of big government. The way we read it, he pretty much calls for the federal government to bailout lenders who have provided mortgages for homes that have suffered major declines in value.

At one point in the speech, Bernanke called on Congress to expand the Federal Housing Administration, both in terms of its role in issuing mortgages and determining underwriting strategies in order to help “troubled borrowers.” How does he expect the expanded FHA to help? By bailing out lenders with mortgages where the principal is now worth more than the value of the home.

“In some cases, when the source of the problem is a decline of the value of the home well below the mortgage's principal balance, the best solution may be a write-down of principal or other permanent modification of the loan by the servicer, perhaps combined with a refinancing by the Federal Housing Administration or another lender,” Bernanke said.

In other words, the Federal government should step in to refinance loans in danger of defaulting due to the decline in housing prices.

Citi CEO Vikram Pandit just sent out the following memo re: change in tagline to all employees. I like it because it shows he’s really taking a stab at turning the diversified whorehouse into a profitable company, though, in all objective sincerity, if he really wanted to make this thing work, he would’ve gone with our motto suggestion. Which makes me think that actually, this has nothing to do with giving a rat’s ass about whether or not the company stops losing money, and everything to do with “having it up to here” (gestures towards head) running a company that cites Larry the Cable Guy as its spiritual leader.

From: VikramPandit@citi.com

Sent: Wednesday, May 07, 2008 5:03 AM

To: VikramPandit@citi.com

Subject: Citi Never Sleeps

I am pleased to announce "Citi Never Sleeps" is our new tagline.

I believe "Citi Never Sleeps" captures our organization's relentless commitment and boundless energy to serve customers in more than 100 countries, our global growth strategy, and our long-standing reputation
as a global leader in innovation.

"Citi Never Sleeps" is a newer version of the world-famous tagline that debuted 30 years ago and which continues to hold considerable brand equity.

This advertising enhancement builds on Citi's existing brand, one of the most valuable brands in the world, which was further broadened through global advertising campaigns last year, and supports the company's rich history of serving customers any time and any place through a variety of channels. The brand promise of driving success and the brand architecture rolled out last year remain intact.

Regards,

Vikram

Some See Oil At $150 a Barrel This Year (WSJ)
Lots of chatter lately about the next leg of the supersurge in oil. A Goldman guy came out with a call for $200, which would mean a mere doubling from here. Others see $150 comfortably in sights, though that would hardly be a move at all at this point. Nobody subscribes to it really, but we're still kind of partial to the idea that the higher the price of oil the better for the economy. Sure it's rough, but man, when oil goes back down to $35, we are going to be humming.

2008 Democratic Presidential Nominee (Intrade)
You know the media expectations game. There were actually some polls that had Barack Obama winning Indiana. But, he so consistently collapsed on primary day that small poll leads for him usually translated into significant, 10-point losses. SO when that didn't happen, and instead lost by just 2 percent, in a race that went deep into the night, the media called him the victor. Russert called him the nominee and he ticked up about 8 points on Intrade to around $.88 on the dollar.

Sprint and Clearwire to Combine WiMAX Businesses, Creating a New Mobile Broadband Company
Word of this report had leaked last night, and now it's official ailing Sprint and ailing Clearwire (started by ex-AT&Ter Craig McCaw) will merge their wireless broadband businesses (that offer internet over WiMAX) in hopes that a combined company will alleve both of their collective misery? Beyond that, it's got a number of big cable company investors -- a fresh $3.2 billion -- so yeah, seems like a gigantic industry conglomerate. Perfect.

Countrywide Admits Errors at Senate Hearing (NYT)
Steve Bailey of Countrywide admitted to a Senate panel that certain loan officers at Countrywide have made errors. Yes, it would seem that way wouldn't it.