Trouble in hedge fund land. Greenwich residents are terrified that would-be new neighbor, Russian millionaire Valery Kogan, will make them look bad (read: poor) by building a proposed 54,000 square foot mansion with two wings, "extensive" subterranean space, and room for up to 300 guests, which will clearly dwarf their own homes, relative shacks compared to the behemoth.

Though they claim their protests are merely matters of (a) taste ("`It looks like they want to duplicate the Winter Palace here in Greenwich,'' said Leslie McElwreath. ``It'll be an eyesore.''), (b) safety ("This is a road where our kids learn to ride bikes, rollerblade, and people take walks,'' said Morris Sachs, a trader at Brevan Howard.) and (c) not being summarily drowned while taking part in a pissing contest (``This is going to be a palace on a postage stamp,'' Charles Lee said. ``It's too much."), those intimately familiar with the gastrointestinal habits of SAC Capital Founder Steve Cohen know better.

Though never stated outright, the real problem with Kogan's house is that it is slated to contain 26 toilets. And though it has many, many WC's, Steve Cohen's home does not have 26. Were Kogan to start building without making some edits first, he would not only be embarrassing Cohen in his own domain, he would be breaking a law, which the residents quoted by Bloomberg are trying to uphold. Section 182, clause 17 of the Greenwich town code clearly states that "no home shall exceed the number of waste-removal stations as are found at Casa Cohen."

Interestingly enough, Cohen, who is not cited in the article, is said to have zero problem with any other aspect of Kogan's dream home. "He could build a domicile three times the size of Stevie's, with 40 master bedrooms to Steve's 2, 16 refrigerators to Steve's 12, and 2 ice rink's to Steve's 1," a friend of a friend of a friend told DealBreaker. "It's the toilets he cares about. Just the toilets."

Empathizing with the big guy, CNBC on-air editor Charlie Gasparino commented* that he "fully understands where Cohen's coming from." Pausing momentarily to enjoy a paper-thin slice of salami he'd cut moments earlier on the deli meat slicer he'd won in a bet with his local butcher, Gasparino added, "Bathrooms are extremely important to me. I live in a studio, but it's got 4 cans. And I think that because so much of my identity is tied to my obsession with being 'regular,' I'd probably feel threatened if the guy next door had 5. I know it sounds crazy, but it'd be like I was less of a man or something."

Anyway. This is a private matter that doesn't really involve us, per se, and hopefully it'll be resolved shortly. But obviously you're all dying to know, "just how many toilets does Cohen's house have?" We're going to tell you, but not just yet. First, you're going to guess. The first person to correctly get it will receive our heartfelt congratulations via email. But that's not all. You'll also receive two free tickets to a hockey game taking place at Cohen's backyard rink. On June 6 the BG will taken on a team comprised of his young children's friends and his least favorite SAC employees. The home team (SC) plays perched atop a Zamboni made from repurposed monster truck parts that gets to shoot out pucks at random, with a glassed-in Pope-mobile-like top in place of a mask. The away team (kids + staff) are issued Soviet-era gear, never win, and are forced to put on a Disney on Ice show of Cohen's choosing following the game. Last year was Aladdin. This year is anyone's guess.

The real problem is that Kogan is directly threatening to dethrone the current record holder of Most Toilets/residence in Connecticut. According to Bloomberg, Kogan's house is slated to contain 26. And though it has many, many WC's, the home of SAC Capital founder Steve Cohen does not have 26. Were Kogan to start building without making some edits to the blue prints first, he would be making a fool of Cohen in his own domain. What's more, Kogan would be breaking local Greenwich zoning laws which state: "no home shall exceed the number of waste-removal stations as are found at Casa Cohen."

Interestingly enough, Cohen, who is not cited in the article, is said to have zero problem with any other aspect of Kogan's dream home. "He could build a domicile three times the size of Stevie's, with 40 master bedrooms to Steve's 2, 16 refrigerators to Steve's 12, and 2 ice rinks to Steve's 1," a friend of a friend of a friend told DealBreaker. "It's the toilets he cares about. Just the toilets."

Greenwich Resists Plan for 26-Toilet Home in Hedge-Fund Capital [Bloomberg]