Greenwich, Stevie Cohen

Area Man Threatens To Out-Toilet Stevie Cohen

Trouble in hedge fund land. Greenwich residents are terrified that would-be new neighbor, Russian millionaire Valery Kogan, will make them look bad (read: poor) by building a proposed 54,000 square foot mansion with two wings, “extensive” subterranean space, and room for up to 300 guests, which will clearly dwarf their own homes, relative shacks compared to the behemoth.

Though they claim their protests are merely matters of (a) taste (“`It looks like they want to duplicate the Winter Palace here in Greenwich,” said Leslie McElwreath. “It’ll be an eyesore.”), (b) safety (“This is a road where our kids learn to ride bikes, rollerblade, and people take walks,” said Morris Sachs, a trader at Brevan Howard.) and (c) not being summarily drowned while taking part in a pissing contest (“This is going to be a palace on a postage stamp,” Charles Lee said. “It’s too much.”), those intimately familiar with the gastrointestinal habits of SAC Capital Founder Steve Cohen know better.

Though never stated outright, the real problem with Kogan’s house is that it is slated to contain 26 toilets. And though it has many, many WC’s, Steve Cohen’s home does not have 26. Were Kogan to start building without making some edits first, he would not only be embarrassing Cohen in his own domain, he would be breaking a law, which the residents quoted by Bloomberg are trying to uphold. Section 182, clause 17 of the Greenwich town code clearly states that “no home shall exceed the number of waste-removal stations as are found at Casa Cohen.”

Interestingly enough, Cohen, who is not cited in the article, is said to have zero problem with any other aspect of Kogan’s dream home. “He could build a domicile three times the size of Stevie’s, with 40 master bedrooms to Steve’s 2, 16 refrigerators to Steve’s 12, and 2 ice rink’s to Steve’s 1,” a friend of a friend of a friend told DealBreaker. “It’s the toilets he cares about. Just the toilets.”

Empathizing with the big guy, CNBC on-air editor Charlie Gasparino commented that he “fully understands where Cohen’s coming from.” Pausing momentarily to enjoy a paper-thin slice of salami he’d cut moments earlier on the deli meat slicer he’d won in a bet with his local butcher, Gasparino added, “Bathrooms are extremely important to me. I live in a studio, but it’s got 4 cans. And I think that because so much of my identity is tied to my obsession with being ‘regular,’ I’d probably feel threatened if the guy next door had 5. I know it sounds crazy, but it’d be like I was less of a man or something.”

Greenwich Resists Plan for 26-Toilet Home in Hedge-Fund Capital [Bloomberg]

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83 Responses to “Area Man Threatens To Out-Toilet Stevie Cohen”

  1. cheesedog says:

    Who among us wouldnt want 26 growlers if we had that kind of loot? This guy should buy Mike Tyson’s old place in CT. It is also overweighted grunters.

  2. cheesedog says:

    Who among us wouldnt want 26 growlers if we had that kind of loot? This guy should buy Mike Tyson’s old place in CT. It is also overweighted grunters.

  3. Lowly Assistant says:

    This piece, albeit for precisely two minutes, made today worth living.
    My fantasy day would include eating a provalone and roast beef sandwich with Chuck G., while kicking the television each time Maine let another fucking run in.
    What can do about this fantasy?

  4. guest says:

    Problem though is that Tyson’s place is in Hartford. The real CT.

  5. Lowly Assistant says:

    Goddamned cheese. Provolone, I meant…with some horseradish.

  6. guest says:

    LA: forget the food. Maine is hot. I’d love to handle his bat. GAnalYst

  7. HAM05 says:

    haha handle his bat, dude youre gaaaaaay
    as an aside having 24 bathrooms makes it extremely difficult to keep tabs as to who is dumping where. maybe its just me, but when i ‘make (fake) it’ i plan to build one throne so awesome, it will only be worthy of my poop. that, and it guarantees that my baby-soft cheeks are the only ones to touch the laquered teak seat. thats right, teak, its stylish and weather-resistant as my asspalace will have a retractable roof for days when i want to poop and absorb vitamin d at the same time.

  8. Lowly Assistant says:

    Good lord! You can manhandle whatever you’d like! Just stay away from his throwing arm.

  9. guest says:

    Gary Parr’s house has 26 bedrooms, 11.5 baths…

  10. guest says:

    All Russian businesses are criminal enterprises.

  11. Anal_yst says:

    @ Cheesedog/Lowly
    50 Cent owns Tyson’s house

  12. big r says:

    the correct answer is zero toilets. having toilets would imply needing to relieve oneself and make SC mortal, which we all know is not true.

  13. guest says:

    This thread isn’t worth one shit, let alone 26.

  14. Anal_yst says:

    @ 4:28
    None of this has sh!t on Ira Rennerts resort, er house, out in Sagaponeck

  15. guest says:

    rennert is also like the world’s #1 polluter…

  16. girl says:

    Don’t be silly, pretty boys don’t poo

  17. guest says:

    If you’re gonna have 26 shitters, they might as well be Great Johns.

  18. Anal_yst says:

    @ 4:58
    I doubt that highly (he’s maybe top 10), and who cares when you’ve got such a sick crib?

  19. HAM05 says:


  20. Anal_yst says:

    @ Ham
    FOMG!!!!!!!!!! If I ever see anyone install one of those big-mac subsidizing fixtures I will summarily deliver them with a crushing blow straight to their respective reproductive organs, for the kids i mean.

  21. guest says:

    “`It looks like they want to duplicate the Winter Palace here in Greenwich,” said Leslie McElwreath. “It’ll be an eyesore.”
    Typical dope from Greenwich

  22. FirstYearBKR says:

    @ anal_yst – True. Nothing in Greenwich can rival Rennert’s 100,000sq ft house in SagaponAck…that square footage doesn’t include the massive ‘security’ house (which is all you can see from the road) or any of the other buildings on the compound. That thing pissed off a lot of summer people who didn’t want their cookie-cutter McMansions overshadowed but it was spectacular to watch construction.
    Connecticut should not be a place for primary residences. Word up to the reverse commuters holding it down in NYC.

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