Good News For Financial Humor

For years, Zimbabwe has been the center of financial humor writing. The perfect, satiric foil to any market economy. Bored financial journalists will be pleased to hear that Mugabe's opponent has, reportedly, won 47.9 percent of the vote, too little to avoid a runoff with President Mugabe.

In celebration, we give you some of Mugabe's classic quotes:

Where money for projects has not been found, we will print it.

Cricket civilizes people and creates good gentlemen I want everyone to play cricket in Zimbabwe; I want ours to be a nation of gentlemen.

It may be necessary to use methods other than constitutional ones.

Our party must continue to strike fear in the heart of the white man, our real enemy!

Our votes must go together with our guns. After all, any vote we shall have, shall have been the product of the gun. The gun which produces the vote should remain its security officer - its guarantor. The people's votes and the people's guns are always inseparable twins.

So, Blair keep your England, and let me keep my Zimbabwe.

Some people are contriving ways and means of making us collapse.

The only white man you can trust is a dead white man.

We are no longer going to ask for the land, but we are going to take it without negotiating.

We don't mind having sanctions banning us from Europe. We are not Europeans.

We pride ourselves as being top, really, on the African ladder... We feel that we have actually been advancing rather than going backwards.

I will lead my government in the direction where we dismiss the IMF as an institution that we can relate to, and that is coming very soon.

Your vote will ensure you benefit from the agricultural mechanization programme.

They keep raising and raising prices, and we wonder whether they want to raise the prices until the prices reach heaven ... Some are doing it for the elections saying: Let's make life hard for the people so that they cry and blame it all on Mugabe's government. Getting 1 000 percent profit. That's not profit. That's profiteering which is condemned in the bible.

The (black market) is run and supported by a mercenary breed of wily and selfish merchants, a breed that neither sows nor sweats, but harvests millions from base speculative activities that have spawned so much grief and ruin for honest citizens.

The role of the police in this context is not to be an obstacle against the impetus for economic development, but to be the bedrock of this governments drive to mould a citizenry which is mentally, economically and politically liberated in the new millennium.

Zimbabwe Faces Runoff Vote [WSJ]

Comments

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:06AM

he really said that white man thing?

Posted by Anal_yst, May 02, 2008 11:13AM

I'm not a Dr, but I believe they call this sort of deluded gentlemen, a paranoid schizophrenic

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:13AM

Yeah Mugabe is a terrible human being but the people of Zimbabwe have known nothing but suffering since their civil war began. The collapse of Rhodesia makes the end of south african apartheid look like an immaculate conception.

EP why don't you donate some of your considerable skill (and even more considerable free time) to the IMF and help these poor people.

Posted by blndebnker, May 02, 2008 11:16AM

The only white man you can trust is a dead white man.

PRICELESS

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:16AM

Did he also say:
“when the missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘let us close our eyes and pray’. When we opened them, we had the Bible, and they had the land”.

or was it Tutu?

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:17AM

blndebnker what are you wearing right now?

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:18AM

@11:06 - all that and more, being a white landowner in Zimbabwe will give you an ulcer real quick.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:20AM

Anal_yst:

If you lived through a civil war in which a white minority oppressed and then tried to exterminate the black ethnic majority, you might be paranoid too. Even the South African Apartheid government ended up cutting ties with the White government of Rhodesia (Zimbabwe).... seriously look it up. The he has every right to be nuts after that trauma.

Posted by blndebnker, May 02, 2008 11:22AM

@ 11:17am

six inch lucite heels and a smile

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:23AM

I think Chavez is taking lessons from Mugabe - Venezuela is going down the same path as ex-ussr collapse. Great to watch, not so great to be part of it.

Posted by american bandersnatch, May 02, 2008 11:29AM

The IMF cannot help these people. Until they remove Bobby and try to implement some vaguely rational government, traditional economic measures will not help. All the west can do now is try to help them get rid of the lunatic. But it's made harder by other wackadoodles like the South African leader lending moral support to the mugabe regime.

Posted by Sledgehammer, May 02, 2008 11:29AM

The fact that this has gone on for as long as it has proves one thing: The US and many other nations don't give a flying fuck about Africa

Posted by american bandersnatch, May 02, 2008 11:31AM

What specifically would you have the west do, Sledge?

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:38AM

Let the tribal evolution run its course. The West.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:39AM

@ 11:29

Agreed something should be done, but you know if the US tried to do anything, people would be crying imperialism, cultural or otherwise, real quick.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:41AM

The only white man you can trust is a dead white man. MASTERCARD!

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:41AM

My mom says theres lots of black people in Africa.

-Cartman

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:50AM

Israel, Russia and a few other "civilized" nation states have secret courts where enemies of the state are tried and sentenced to death. The UN should have a secret court which does the same for countries where the people are unable to protect themselves from politicians who are enemies of the people. This would raise the standard for political behavior to some tolerable level.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 11:52AM

@11:50, Bush, Cheney & Rumsfeld should be considered enemies of state.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:01PM

@11:18 being a white farmer in zimbabwe should give you an ulcer. ugly history there.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:08PM

Good God EP, are you a Zimbo? I could have sworn you were a pom.

Lookit, Bob's a crazy guy but after hanging out with white Zimbos at UCT for a couple of years I kinda wondered if he didn't have a point.

Besides, where else in the world did you have the situation that 1% of the population controlled 90% of the arable land? That distribution might fly with respect to income in the US for various reasons but it was never going to be sustainable in Africa. He's pissed at the UK because they created this imbalance and then left it for him to deal with. The UK was supposed to fund land purchases and distributions to help clean up the mess it made but perfidious Albion and all that, they got out of it.

Just goes to show, stick your head in the sand with respect to any problem long enough and you'll end up with an epic disaster (which this is) sooner or later.

Nkosi sikelel' iAfrika.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:08PM

I wonder what Obama thinks about Zimbabwe.

Posted by onetwo , May 02, 2008 12:09PM

God I love inefficient, and ineffective redistributions of wealth. He took all the white farmers'land, kicked them out and gave it to the native population. What happened? Well none of them knew how to operate a farm (they're not dumb-- i couldnt work a farm if someone just handed it to me one day), so they starved...all in the name of nationalism. Bravo redistributive policies, bravo.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:12PM

re: white farmers in Zimbabwe. I heard on the BBC that Mugabe was allowing paramilitary terror squads to harass the white farming families. Local police are called but never show up. Pretty tough to take.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:16PM

blndebanker: a "hitler", a "sideburn" or the full "bush"?

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:18PM

yeah, as if the government-encouraged pitchforking of white farmers by black population was any more fun.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:18PM

Two words for white Zimbo farmers: North Dakota

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:27PM

meh North Dakota, keep dreaming... these people for all their vaunted skills can't compete with american agribusiness because their business model was predicated on free land and ultra cheap labor. If these people could thrive in farming just as well anywhere else they would have left ages ago. A few of the more enterprising ones struck out for Zambia and leased land from the government up there. The rest kept thinking Tony Blair was going to have Bob whacked at some point.

Posted by blndebnker, May 02, 2008 12:28PM

@ 12:16pm

That's between me and my Russian waxer.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:29PM

@11:20am. Anyone can be broken by war if the circumstances are bad enough. People who lose their grip because of trauma have my deep felt sympathy. However, there is no right to lose your sanity and then lead a country. That's ridiculous. In Mugabe's case, I think there were a few things wrong in his thinking before the civil war.

@12:08pm. I'd bet Obama is as appalled by what's happening in Zimbabwe as most Americans, and hopes Mugabe can find the exit without too much bloodshed.

Posted by Anal_yst, May 02, 2008 12:32PM

@ 11:20

I realize that, and couldn't imagine living through it. Mugabe is still batsh!t insane though. Fine he hates white people, ok, but his economic/social policies are firmly rooted in nothing short of an acid trip gone horribly awry

Posted by Capt Obvious, May 02, 2008 12:32PM

this Zimbo situation will all end in tears - what are the chances blndebanker is a dude -- 85-90%??

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:33PM

Fuck North Dakota. South Dakota is where the bitches are. Roll deep peeps.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:35PM

@12:32 Agree. Only dude's use Russian waxers. Women go to Brazilians.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:41PM

There's no rain in ND, so no farming. See Bad Land, by Jonathan Raban.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:43PM

Chuck Norris doesn't redistribute land; he roundhouse kicks the land until it redistributes itself. Mugabe is a Chuck Norris wannabe.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:56PM

@blndebnkr you should ask her about the laser option. get your permanent brazilian in 20 easy treatments.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 12:57PM

The cronies who were given farms pulled out the irrigation pipes and sold them for scrap after they couldn’t produce crops. Brilliant!

Posted by Novice, May 02, 2008 1:06PM

12:08, 12:09: Mugabe decided the best people to receive the fruits of land redistribution were his major political supporters, and who was really going to say no with his North Korean-trained secret police killing political opponents as if it were Whack a Mole? The problem isn't land redistribution being a sucky idea, or even not paying white farmers, but that he gave the farms to people who were black revolutionary versions of Michael Brown.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 1:20PM

Mugabe is a nut ...... but wise enough to check his closet for Chuck Norris before bed.

Posted by blndebnker, May 02, 2008 1:39PM

@12:56

It's on my to do list. I've heard it's very painful though. Not that the wax part is a trip to Disney World.

Posted by blndebnker, May 02, 2008 1:39PM

@12:56

It's on my to do list. I've heard it's very painful though. Not that the wax part is a trip to Disney World.

Posted by blndebnker, May 02, 2008 1:41PM

@ 12:32

That's an erroneous assumption. My Russian girl is one of the best. Just because it's called a Brazilian doesn't mean it needs to be administered by one.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 1:42PM

@1:39 it depends how high they turn up the laser (in part related to how tough your little curlies are, in part how many sessions you want to do it over) anyway I recommend you go for it, pop a vicodin, you'll be fine.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 1:44PM

Oh do the curtains match the drapes? if so it might be an issue with the laser, but I have heard that it can be done effectively now.

Posted by blndebnker, May 02, 2008 1:45PM

@1:42pm.

Hmmm more of a percoset girl myself but now I'm intrigued.

Posted by blndebnker, May 02, 2008 1:51PM

@1:44pm

Curtains are drapes. I think you meant carpet. And no, not exactly.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 1:53PM

Blndebnker, tell us, while the carpet still exists, does it at least match the curtains? If so, as that is kind of a rarity I'd say you have to at least save a landing strip.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 1:55PM

My comment at 1:53, sorry, question and answer was posed in the interim of me writing and posting.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 2:01PM

Conversations about rugs are interesting when they involve a nice oriental from the carpet sale at Sotheby's. This talk though is making me nauseous. GAnalYst

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 2:08PM

I've never seen an Oriental rug that hasn't matched the drapes.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 2:13PM

i saw one in blndbnkers pants

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 2:22PM

Yes, carpet, not curtains, I think you know what I meant.

Personally, I must have the landing strip, I think it looks gross any other way.

Posted by blndebnker, May 02, 2008 2:23PM

Catty in here today. No pun intended.

And to end the speculation, there is no rug. That's the last I will comment as we are making poor GAnalYst sick.

My apologies, GAnalYst. I didn't start it.

Posted by guest, May 02, 2008 3:39PM

When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘let us close our eyes and pray’. When we opened them, we had the Bible, and they had the land.

This wasn't Mugabe or Archbishop Tutu but Jomo Kenyatta. Wasn't wrong either.

Posted by guest, May 03, 2008 5:57AM

have a look at "The Herald" (the Zimbabwe state newspaper)

A+ for propaganda

The 10,000% monthly inflation, the starving population, the opposition being beaten up for speaking their mind, the destruction of the agricultural sector....nothing to do with Mugabe...blame the white man

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