A lot of you have been wondering if C’s new slogan, “Citi Never Sleeps” is for real. It is. I know it’s a stretch to ask a rational human being to accept, but stay with me, ‘cause it’s all about to make sense.
Sources tell DealBreaker (enough with the anonymity, talkin’ Jimmy Cayne here, informant #1**) that the new tagline is the first step in Vikram Pandit’s “Double Secret Plot To Golden Parachute” plan. You see, reader, Vik is smart enough to recognize that there’s no way to fix the train wreck that is Citi. The inevitable end game of this folly is “I get shitcanned and get my payout.” And, as an astute businessman, Vik knows that the sooner he gets fired, the less the board can hold him accountable for, and “the more loot Vickie keepie.” He's got a much stronger case to demand mucho dinero after 6 to 8 months of inane ideas and stock price dropping directives ("come in to work on no sleep! It'll help us to better assess risk!") than after three years.
Which is why, as fast as he and the brain trust can come up with them, he's implementing as many stupid ideas as possible, and has even set up a tips line that the public can use to proffer suggestions (we'll send over any worthy ideas from the comments section this afternoon, so start thinking). As Cayne tells us, “It’s basically Vik’s ‘accelerated path' to joining his boys—me and Stan, no Prince—in Maury Povich’s basement.” Cayne added that while he's "skeptical" that Pandit will be able to approach "Jimmy levels of fuck up," he supports VP's plan wholeheartedly, "'cause we're running low on snacks, and the two-- yes two-- assistants Bear's still got working for me act all put out when you ask them to make chip runs."
**in my mind.
Posted by guest , May 07, 2008 12:11PM
Hilarious. I could actually see this as a true story.
Posted by guest , May 07, 2008 12:33PM
Not anything new, although fantastic timing.
(Trademark)
Word Mark THE CITI NEVER SLEEPS
Goods and Services IC 036. US 102. G & S: FINANCIAL SERVICES-NAMELY, ELECTRONIC BANKING SERVICES. FIRST USE: 19780203. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 19780203
Mark Drawing Code (1) TYPED DRAWING
Design Search Code
Serial Number 73159121
Filing Date February 17, 1978
8 June 1978, New York Times, pg. D1:
A Citibank machine to the rescue. Slogan: "The Citi Never Sleeps."
Posted by guest , May 07, 2008 12:50PM
2 great ideas --
1. slurpees in banks
2. install atm in massage parlors for when the chick upsells you and need some cash
Posted by guest , May 07, 2008 1:05PM
Sprint is using that slogan also on it's Billboards. It is a good slogan, but timing is just awful. I recall that Prince refused to use it when he chose the "let's get it done" slogan last year as it was something attached to the people who actually knew how to run a bank rather than the newer crowd of crooks in place the last 8 years.
Posted by GinNTonic , May 07, 2008 1:06PM
@12:50
Why don't we just have rub & tugs in Citi branches? That would make me not care that JPM has ATMs on every corner.
Posted by GinNTonic , May 07, 2008 1:14PM
Bess / Carney,
Can you guys stop over-analyzing this slogan story and find pics / more info on this:
http://www.bankersball.com/2008/05/06/the-ladies-of-banking-and-law/
Posted by guest , May 07, 2008 1:18PM
it's Maury Povich. No t.
Posted by lift all the offers , May 07, 2008 1:25PM
funny, i thought the term traders there were already asleep. haven't seen them in the market for a while.
Posted by guest , May 07, 2008 1:30PM
Who's Maury Povich.....a running back?
Posted by guest , May 07, 2008 2:16PM
@GinNTonic: That is hilarious. Know one of the associates (1st year!) how is she the rainmaker. would love to see the pics. post post post . pronto!
Posted by Lowly Assistant , May 07, 2008 2:39PM
Any reason to link to that brilliant post on blacklight posters and grav bongs is worth the pain in Vik's eyes as he skims through the pages of dealbreaker.com. A brilliant man once sung, "To hell with poverty; let's get drunk on cheap wine." And he was right.
Posted by guest , May 07, 2008 3:59PM
I'll second the slurpee machines in branches suggestions. They would probably remind Vik of his previous work days.