Corporate America has been perfecting ways of talking around awkward things like mass firings and layoffs. But it can't lay a glove on Wall Street, where double-speak is not just a way of life, it's an earnings strategy.
Take Goldman Sachs, Wall Street's gold standard investment bank. Despite beating its peers in performance, profits are down at Goldman and layoffs are underway. Many of those who lose their jobs will be junior bankers, called analysts, who typically serve a two year term before going on to business school or moving on to other jobs.
Goldman is letting many of its first year analysts go but they aren't describing this as getting fired. So first year analysts who are being fired after just one year are told that the have been placed into the "accelerated one-year analyst program," according to people familiar with the matter. It's like skipping a grade! Well, except that you get expelled from school after you get accelerated!
Goldman Sachs could not immediately comment on this story. But we'll update you if they do!
Posted by girl , Jun 18, 2008 10:20AM
This tactic is actually brilliant in so many forms if and when used properly:
"I'm not dumping you- you were on the accelerated relationship plan!"
Come to think of it, any person who believes either has just the deluded self importance necessary to be a successful banker elsewhere.
Posted by Master of None , Jun 18, 2008 10:22AM
Guess we're moving from "up or out" to "up and out"
Posted by Capt Obvious , Jun 18, 2008 10:23AM
that's exceptional 2speak - even by Wall Street standards
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 10:26AM
i hear LEH's got a program like that in the works, too.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 10:30AM
Lev. Fin. group is in trouble. That's where many analysts have been let go over the past few months. Any word on where the rest of the cuts are coming from?
Has GS reneged on any offers of the incoming summer interns or new first-years?
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 10:31AM
Lehman isnt pussies like Goldman, it will freely admit to canning people.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 10:37AM
Wow! The Street sets the bar high on this kind of stuff, and that just set it higher!
Posted by blndebnker , Jun 18, 2008 10:42AM
@girl - That is brilliant. Def using that to break up with my next Mr. Junk Bond.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 11:02AM
They are in a hurry to axe analysts and all else asap so that they can post better than expected numbers for the next quarter as well.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 11:19AM
Lev. Fin. group is in trouble.
I'm shocked.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 11:21AM
"Congratulations! You've just been downsized!" We have been so pleased with your progress that it would be pointless for us to pay you any longer. You're just TOO good. Go ahead, get out of here, you knucklehead! Move on to your next job! Maybe with a hedge fund. You rock!
P.S. Severance for someone as good as you would be a mockery, too.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 11:31AM
did i read this right these kids are being fired with only two months continued base salary?
claaaaaaaaaaaa-SSY!
Posted by FUNdamental , Jun 18, 2008 1:02PM
Abe lincoln was on the accelerated presidency program?
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 1:26PM
@ FUNdamental
I award you a whopping LOL on that one. You kill me.
I'm assuming you would also suggest Kennedy was part of the same program?
-Nominate me
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 1:56PM
No, Obama def is
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 2:30PM
that's hilarious....
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 6:31PM
No, suggesting Obama's life will be cut short like Lincoln or Kennedy is not funny in the least.
Posted by guest , Jun 19, 2008 5:37AM
At least they can say they were so awesome that they graduated early.
Posted by guest , Jun 19, 2008 5:39AM
Steve Irwin was on the accelerated dive course?
Posted by guest , Jun 19, 2008 5:40AM
Crikey!