'Member that story from two minutes ago about Goldman Sachs telling first years whose services are no longer required at the firm that they're not being fired, they're just graduating early from an "accelerated one-year analyst program" they'd secretly been taking part in? We just received a little more color on the revolutionary approach, from a young alum, who notes:
"At one point I actually though the MD was going to say, 'Congratulations!'" which we can obviously all agree would have been awesome.
Supposedly, the conversation went like this:
MD: You're being placed into the accelerated one-year analyst program.
Analyst: You mean I'm being fired?MD: No, you're being placed into the new accelerated one-year analyst program and will be paid through August.
Analyst: I'm being fired.
MD: There will be nothing on your record indicating you were fired. It'll say you were in the one-year analyst program.
Analyst: I'm being fired.
The only conceivable way for this story to get even better is if we find out that, per our recommendation, the ValueStockTipsGuy actually was offered a job on the inside, and this approach was his idea. Which, if you think about it, really isn't that outlandish because a. he's an innovator and b. it would put Goldman one step closer to wiping out all the first years and replacing them with one man-- THE VSTG (also our idea).
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 10:52AM
it's like saying to pavarotti, "teach me to sing like you"
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 10:55AM
"It's Not A Lie If You Believe It"
oh yes it is.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 11:01AM
GS has really painted itself into a corner with its whole "we are only firing the bottom 5%" line that it has to go to such lengths as this
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 11:14AM
cocksucker md should have been punched in the face
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 11:17AM
You would think they could just force these kids to do endless interations of meaningless tasks, for which they will be capricously berated until their self esteem drops so low that they finally quit. But I guess that honor will be reserved for the 2 year analyst program.
Posted by Investorcluzo , Jun 18, 2008 11:27AM
classy or is it "classic" goldman. you have to hand it to them, never ones to burn a bridge (never know when one of those kiddies will create the next facebook). perhaps that's how they manage to stay under the mainstream radar (but not the clever folks at db).
WTF, WTF!!! Tiger is out for the rest of the season!
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 11:47AM
@cluzo - tell me about Tiger.
Posted by Investorcluzo , Jun 18, 2008 11:53AM
@11:47 - apparently he has developed a stress fracture during the open. he should have pulled out after the 2nd round. rumors is that he will go back in to have more cartilege removed (and rest like the dr told him)...ratings will plummet for the all tournaments that aren't majors for the rest of the year.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 11:53AM
The appropriate response to this is "Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining."
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:01PM
Ok, what's more cult like?
Goldman?
Amway?
Mary Kay Cosmetics?
LDS?
Herbalife?
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:01PM
This really takes the cake for Orwellian invention. Do these non-fired analysts get anything other than their salary through August? Like their bonuses?
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:03PM
It's not "down-sizing". It's "right-sizing".
~The Apologist
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:07PM
The new put-down being used on Wall Street is the phrase, "How's that working for you?"
Phone rings, you answer. Acquaintance on other end says, "Hearing things about your lev-fin group."
You say, "Lots of talk but I'm in commodities."
Acquaintance says, "How's that working for you?"
You've just been put down.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:13PM
is this some new riff on Dean Wormer's double secret probation? The double secret first year analyst program, do not pass go, do not get your sign on bonus, go directly to the back office!
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:16PM
I have to imagine that GS is doing this to side-step the legal obligations associated with firing people ... ?
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:22PM
http://despair.com/propaganda.html
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:25PM
Naughty, naughty.
TED
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:27PM
Let me try that again.
Naughty, naughty.
http://epicureandealmaker.blogspot.com/2008/06/overheard-at-85-broad-street.html
TED
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:29PM
You mean this thing is applying to in-coming analysts, and not analysts completing their first year? I thought the incoming class didn't start until after the Fourth. Heck, if it's incoming analysts, aren't they contractually obligated to pay back their signing bonuses if they don't complete the first year?
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:34PM
Thanks for the jargon lesson 12:07.
That one's only been around for about a decade or so.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:40PM
My biggest complaint about getting laid off or fired was having to fucking explain it.
What I didn't realize was that a lot...repeat...a lot of potential employers want to hear what happened at your former shop. The are desperate to know the dirt about your superiors. So meeting for cocktails led to interviews and so on.
And, if some fuckhead competitor calls and asks about "the dirt" I would say that "I can only discuss it during interviews."
Worked like a charm.
The nicest thing I can say about getting laid off is that I always made more money at the next gig.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 12:46PM
What legal obligations associated with firing people? Legal obligations when terminating employees in the U.S. boil down to: (1) informing people of their COBRA rights (right to continue health insurance, if provided by the employer, for 18 months at the employee's own expense); and (2) if laying off 50 people, issuing a WARN notice (which basically advises you that you're being laid off). If GS is doing this to 50 analysts, it would be interesting to see if they're following WARN. It would put an end to their stealth maneuvers.
Severance pay is not made to comply with the law; it's made to make the employer look like someone with a conscience.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 1:03PM
After I submitted that earlier post, I realized the term "legal obligation" was wrong - I meant "professional obligation" - like severance pay, etc. I realize it's not an obligation either but like you said, it is to maintain the employer's rep.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 1:13PM
"Be a man. Not a weak-kneed, lily-livered, unprincipled, ball-less, gutless, prevaricating, backstabbing, motherfucking pussy."
read: goldman sachs.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 1:17PM
On a more positive note, if CERN succeeds in annihilating the universe with the LHC then these kids won't have a problem.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 1:18PM
(but not until after GPBA's wedding party)
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 2:20PM
Those lucky SOB's. I can't wait till they take the axe to my shitty back-office dept. Of course with my luck everyone else will be let go and I'll just have to pretend to work even harder.
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 6:27PM
"Be a man. Not a weak-kneed, lily-livered, unprincipled, ball-less, gutless, prevaricating, backstabbing, motherfucking pussy."
Does this apply to those who are women?
Posted by guest , Jun 18, 2008 9:45PM
I made my girlfriend get an accelerated pregnancy.
- Street Cred
Posted by guest , Jun 19, 2008 5:28AM
I was at Goldman when the daily fruit basked disappeared and we all got the wonderful "managed out" voice mail describing how those really talented employees, who would do better elsewhere, would be "encouraged" to leave voluntarily.
Posted by guest , Jun 19, 2008 5:32AM
Whew, thanks Street Cred @ 9:45PM, I was the one who gave your GF the accelerated insemination. Not the greatest 38 seconds of my life, but hey, fat chicks need some lovin too.
Posted by guest , Dec 03, 2008 12:08PM
GS has been one disappointment after another since they cancelled Le Concierge