Authorities are investigating the suspected suicide of hedge fund manager Samuel Israel III, who failed to begin his prison sentence yesterday, after being convicted of defrauding investors of $400 million. Though his lawyers sought leniency, noting that Israel has back problems and is addicted to painkillers, US District Judge Colleen McMahon told the Bayou Group co-founder, "You were, in every meaning of the sense, a career criminal. You ruined lives...[and] suffered from these ailments [doing so]," before sentencing him to 20 years in prison. A car registered to Israel was found Monday afternoon on Bear Mountain Bridge, forty miles north of NYC, with the phrase "Suicide is Painless" scrawled in dust on the hood. Obviously, this is not a laughing matter. So we put forth the following completely sincerely: it's getting hard to keep track of these guys. Since, to date, no white collar criminals facing jail time have taken our advice to take a cue from convicted tax evader Wesley Snipes, out of utility it might be wise for someone to start some sort of body counter for hedgies, a la The Hedge Fund Implode-O-Meter. Maybe The Hedge Fund Manager Implode-O-Meter? Or whatever you want to call it.
Police Investigating Possible Suicide by Hedge Fund Cheat [ABC News]
Posted by american bandersnatch , Jun 10, 2008 12:41PM
Good M*A*S*H reference - a nice note to end it all on.
Posted by Lowly Assistant , Jun 10, 2008 12:42PM
No, this is definitely a laughing matter.
Posted by To The Hilt , Jun 10, 2008 12:44PM
ab,
beat me to it. good catch.
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 12:48PM
Alas, poor Sammy three-sticks, I knew him well.
Posted by NotNasser , Jun 10, 2008 12:49PM
In the Bayou case, this "suicide is painless" scrawl is the SECOND suicide note.
The first one, you'll remember, was a rambling six page letter that Dan Marino left on his desk as the Bayou scheme was coming unravelled in 2005.
It had classic lines in it like, "If there is a hell, I'll roast there for eternity." This was discovered by an investor who had shown up at the office to ask some questions.
I'm curious whether this threatened suicide is more of a for-real thing than that one turned out to be.
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 12:50PM
You know, I've known the name of the M*A*S*H theme song for a very long while, but didnt know there were actual words that go to it until the family guy parody.
Posted by lemmerdeur , Jun 10, 2008 12:51PM
How come this isn't a laughing matter? What are you, English?
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 12:54PM
When is it fair to distinquish hedge fund managers from a long-time operator of a Ponzi scheme? I would say this guy was not a hedge fund manager, but a career criminal disguised as a hedge fund manager.
Posted by HAM05 , Jun 10, 2008 1:06PM
if i were facing these charges, a note and an empty car is what id leave behind too. and then head to a no extradition tropical locale.
im just sayin
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 1:07PM
Actually Ponzi's "scheme" started as an fx arbitrage fund. True story.
Posted by Anal_yst , Jun 10, 2008 1:17PM
@ HAM
That brings up a good point. If you're going down (remember that Kim guy from south florida a few years back?), which non-extradition country do you flee to, and why?
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 1:17PM
was there a smiley face painted on anything nearby.
let's put on our thinking caps, geniuses. he's got centi-millions collecting the risk-free rate in Swiss accounts, and he's supposed to show up for *jail.*
his car is found on a bridge with a really clever suicide note and...they assume he really jumped?
yeah, he jumped all right. Into a limo headed to the airport, replete with a new identity.
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 1:18PM
1:06- yep faked death for sure
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 1:32PM
@ Analyst 1:17pm
Marshall Islands.
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 1:32PM
Fake performance figures, fake CPA firm to sign off on fake financials, real suicide note. I don't think so.
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 1:34PM
That's why I always wanted them to do a DNA test on Jeff Skilling's alleged dead body.
Posted by Novice , Jun 10, 2008 1:40PM
Anal and HAM,
Gossip Girl says head to Dominica. Or the Dominican Rep, I wasn't really paying attention
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 1:45PM
the details of Skilling's death have been greatly exaggerated..... as he is still currently in jail.
ken lay, however, is more of a question mark... But most likely he is still alive and well too... probably waiting for 'ole Isreal to show up to get the party started...
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 1:54PM
Off topic but:
Study: One-Fourth Of NYC Residents Have Herpes
Rates Of Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, And Infectious Syphilis Are Also Higher Than The National Average
Posted by Anal_yst , Jun 10, 2008 1:55PM
here, maybe this'll help:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extradition_law_in_the_United_States
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 1:58PM
I am not taking legal advice from gossip girl,
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 2:11PM
fuck that's a bleak list. i'm a Jew so my options are pretty limited. i could see myself being happy in the maldives i guess.
Posted by HAM05 , Jun 10, 2008 2:13PM
@1:54 - carney has been on a rampage lately, dont know what to tell you
@anal - id prob change my face and move to jost
@novice - dont trust dat ho
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 2:15PM
pago pago.
but I ain't a theif, so why bother?
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 2:16PM
@2:11--I think it's a Muslim country, unfortunately, but very beautiful.
Posted by Bulging Bracket , Jun 10, 2008 2:16PM
If you're jewish and can prove so to the satisfaction of the hard assed orthodox rabbis in Israel, you have a nice little beach front resort that's non-extradition. Bad neighbourhood but great otherwise.
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 2:19PM
dumbass Pago Pago is in American Samoa. you think they can't get your ass back from american samoa? its an american territory and there's only like 10k people there. dude you're better off in puerto rico at least there's a few million people in PR
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 2:22PM
I'll take Vanuatu if that's the list. No taxes, small peaceful population, English is an official language, and tropical.
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 2:23PM
@2:16 yeah i know, tough choice, i'm hoping that i am fleeing for massive theft with a bucket of cash so that i can hole up at a Banyan Tree or something, and not murder or some low-rent crime like that
BB Israel? My wife recently extradited an accused criminal from Israel recently. You mean the Rabbis will hide me in the negev somewhere?
Posted by Suits , Jun 10, 2008 3:17PM
Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone?
Posted by guest , Jun 10, 2008 3:24PM
@ 2:15. Sorry - can't let it get by -
you are also no speller. I before E.
THIEF. To the subject at hand - the authorities are definitely suspicious. Too pat. Too contrived. Too clever.
Posted by NotNasser , Jun 10, 2008 5:06PM
2:24 It's possible that one of the Refco scammers has taken up residence in Angola.
http://nakedshorts.typepad.com/nakedshorts/minusfunds/index.html
Posted by NotNasser , Jun 10, 2008 5:06PM
2:24 It's possible that one of the Refco scammers has taken up residence in Angola.
http://nakedshorts.typepad.com/nakedshorts/minusfunds/index.html
Posted by NSD , Jun 10, 2008 5:28PM
Micronesia - get shacked for the rest of your life.
http://magicseaweed.com/photoLab/viewPhoto.php?photoId=49097
Posted by onetwo , Jun 10, 2008 6:40PM
Hey guys, settle down. A dude did kill himself. That's not quite one of those light hearted topics to run with.
Oh, and Maldives for sure.
Posted by guest , Jun 11, 2008 8:44AM
Have you been? what better place to hide out than someplace I always wanted to go anyway
Posted by guest , Jun 11, 2008 1:44PM
http://home.inklingmarkets.com/markets/12599
I'm long Cayman Islands.
Posted by guest , Jun 11, 2008 4:10PM
1:06 pm yesterday got it right:
http://www.finalternatives.com/node/4581
(I prefer the Marilyn Manson version, but the full song is performed in the real [movie] version of M*A*S*H.)